Page 119 of Rugger: The Huntress

My arms slid around his neck. A steady breath escaped my lips. Comfort eased my mind. Loosened my limbs. Provided me with the security that only two people in the world had ever managed to give me.

“Evening, Gazelle.”

As if we hadn’t made the drive near the peaks of the mountains and his semen hadn’t filled me in the midst of our journey, I entertained him.

“Good evening, Mr. Santoro.”

His tongue swiped his lips as he shook his head. His cheeks swelled as a chuckle evaded mouth. Effortlessly, he demanded my full attention.

“My father–” he paused, “I know tonight was supposed to be date night for us but he’d said something days after our first encounter. Those words stuck with me. And, I figured that since I’ve given him absolutely nothing he asked of me as we drove those four hours to campus that day I could at least give him that.”

“What’s that?”

“The chance to meet you.”

“I enjoyed him. He misses you. Dearly. He says he’s proud of you, Psalms. He’s proud of who you’ve become.”

“A monster?” He clicked his tongue and let out a low chuckle.

This time it wasn’t giddy. He wasn’t smiling. And his nose wasn’t kissing the air.

“Whoever you’ve become–” I finished as I took his chin into my hand. “Whatever you’ve become.”

“Gaze–”

“God makes no mistakes. The work we do doesn’t make us saints, but it doesn’t make us monsters either. And if it does, then I wear the title proudly. As should you. Every man’s life I’ve taken deserved it one way or another. They’re dark dirty secrets are the reason they're in the ground.

“It’s hardly because they owe money, have crossed someone, or have sent someone to prison. It’s because the world is a better place without them. God is the judge, Sonnie. He decides their fate.

“When death is their sentence, He expects us to carry out the term. And, if not Him, then someone. I have a hard time believing anyone else is capable of maintaining order so long and so seamlessly. Everyone has a role on earth, Sonnie. This is ours.”

He pulled me in, wrapping me up in his bliss. His lips sealed mine.

“We’re taught, in our profession, to not look forward to the future. To not be optimistic. To devote our attention to the moment. Not the next week or the next month or the next year. And, until I saw you that night in early October, I’d followed the code.

“But, when you stood outside of my car with your arms folded underneath your bosom, my future flashed before my eyes. Finally, I could see things far beyond my comprehension. Hearing you speak this way… Seeing you look this way… Feeling you soften this way… makes it all make sense.”

I nodded, agreeing with every word he said. He’d carved a new path for me. While I didn’t understand where we were headed, I wasn’t opposed to the idea of uncertainty.

“I haven’t celebrated Christmas since I was eighteen.”

I celebrated each year up until my father’s death. Since, every holiday felt like a sick dream. My family didn’t gather. Our home wasn’t full of joy. Shopping wasn’t an all-day event.

Decorations didn’t drive me mad. And, my siblings didn’t make me want to lodge a bullet in their limbs.Not anymore. Not for Halloween. Not for Thanksgiving. Not for Christmas. And, not for the new year.

“But, you’ve changed that.”

Psalms took my right hand into his. He led me out of the foyer and closer to the crackling wood. I rounded the corner to find red bows lining the fireplace. Two stockings hung from the mantle above it.

Beside the large row of windows was a twelve-foot Christmas tree dressed in black velvet ribbon, large black ornaments, and a single black star that glistened at the very top. Around the massive beauty were neatly wrapped gifts. The black sparkly paper correlated with the decorations. Everything was seamless.

“Sonnie, it’s beautiful.”

“Reminds me of someone I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know over the last couple of months.”

“I– I was unsure if we were celebrating. I didn’t bring a gift.”

It was at my home, underneath my bed as I awaited the verdict. Because Sonnie hadn’t mentioned the holiday, neither did I. In the event things changed, I wanted to be prepared. To my disadvantage, I hadn’t brought it to dinner so he wouldn’t be receiving anything until the holiday had passed.

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