Page 154 of Rugger: The Huntress

“Alright. How are you feeling?”

She pushed my legs up and separated my lower lips. The cold, metal plates were placed inside of me.

“Powerless.”

The word slipped through my teeth and out of my mouth. I had no intention of being truthful with the stranger who was now staring at my vagina. She spread my walls by widening the plates simultaneously.

She’d disappeared behind the paper gown, but suddenly her head was over my knees and her feet were on the ground again. With a stern gaze, she scolded me.

“You’re not powerless. You’ll never be powerless. As long as there’s breath in your body, you’re far from powerless. You’re the most powerful being to ever walk this planet.

“Without us, the world doesn’t move. It doesn’t continue. Life stops. Love stops. Everything stops. We are not of the world, Ms. Pickman. We are the world. Know that and stand in your power, even when you’re feeling powerless.”

She disappeared again. Her words rested on my chest like boulders. She wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t know. She wasn’t telling me anything my mother and father hadn’t told me. She wasn’t telling me anything my sisters hadn’t told me.

But, right now, it hardly mattered. Death had come and it had stolen my joy. Maybe tomorrow I’d tap into my power. Maybe a month from now. But, right now, I felt powerless, although I had all the power in the world in the palm of my fucking hand.

The door opened again. Instantly, a sheet fell down onto my knees. The cool wind from the open air ended at once. Dr. Gill was back on her feet and bergamot crept up my nose.

“Can I help you, sir?” Her firm, unforgiving tone did little to halt the footsteps that got closer by the second.

I closed my eyes, allowing the tears I’d kept at bay to fall freely down the sides of my face. Long, slim fingers caressed my shoulder. A pair of lips touched my forehead before lowering to my ear.

“Get up, baby.”

“Teddy–”

His presence was an unpleasant surprise. Aden was still at the guesthouse at Sonnie’s home. My secret departure hadn’t disturbed him. I’d checked the cameras several times while waiting in the office lobby.

“Sir–” Dr. Gill called out to Chemistry.

“I can’t let you do this,” he ignored her.

“I have to.”

“This–” he paused, tilting his head toward my knees, “This will break my fucking heart, Rugger.

“My heart breaks a little more each day when I wake up and I am reminded that my father isn’t alive. I’m twenty-seven, Teddy. I refuse to bring a fatherless child into the world who I am forced to feed memories of how good of a man their father was because of my selfishness. Have my child longing for experiences with a man that will never be able to kiss their cheeks, rub their stomach when it hurts, have lunch with them at school– nothing. Pictures and videos aren’t enough, Teddy. My child needs a father.”

“I will be everything Sonnie would’ve been, baby. You know this. You understand this. So–”

“You can be the best uncle in the world, Chem. You can be the best caretaker. You can be the best caregiver. You can be the best of everything to this child but you can’t be the father. You can’t be Sonnie. That piece of them– that piece of me will always be missing, no matter how good of a resource you are to us.”

His silence said everything he couldn’t.

“If you’re going to be here, then be here. Hold my hand and care for me the way you always have,” I expressed, “But, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop this procedure. My body, Teddy. My choice. I’m not asking you to be a father right now. I’m telling you I need you to be my big brother, my confidant, my safe haven, my sound voice… my heart.”

Chemistry walked across the room and grabbed the empty stool with wheels. He rolled it next to the bed and sat down. He grabbed my hand and placed it on his lips.

The wetness that fell from his eyes slid down my wrist. His heart was breaking. Mine was already broken.

Once.

Twice.

Three times, he kissed the backside and then placed it on his cheek to interfere with his tears.

“Understand that I love you more than this world itself, baby.”

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