Page 93 of Unforgivable

I ducked my head down and resisted his attempts to tip my chin back up. He must have understood that I couldn’t look at him, instead sifting his fingers through my hair to soothe me. I let out a deep breath, wondering where I even started. This was dredging up issues I had tried to forget for years, but Cal deserved to know all of my rough and jagged parts, just as he had shown me his.

“I mean, it was mostly the stuff you’d expect for a scrawny, nerdy kid in a small town. Kids called me names, pushed me around, stole my stuff. It went on for years, but there were a couple of times things got really bad.” I paused to gather my words, soaking in the feel of Cal’s hand running over my scalp. “Once, this mean girl started some nasty rumor that my parents hadn’t really died, they’d actually left me because I was such a freak. A few months of therapy got me through that one. Another time, some boys in seventh grade cornered me in the locker room and accused me of sneaking looks at them when they changed. They ganged up on me and when I fought back, one of them pushed me to the ground and stomped on my arm. Broke it in two places.”

“Jesus Christ…” Cal bit out under his breath. He was shaking with simmering anger that permeated my skin. I rubbed absently at his chest in an effort to calm him. Cal laid a firm kiss on my temple, squeezing meto him. “Don’t feel like you have to tell me everything if it’s too much.”

“No, it’s okay. I want you to know,” I admitted, and it was the truth. I was sick of holding onto the burdens that weighed on me so heavily. I wanted to lean on Cal and soak in his strength and affection. “The last time was the worst. My freshman year of high school, there was this group of athletes who were real A-holes to me, but one of them tried to be my friend. His name was Kyle. He was a junior, popular, and seemed really nice at first. We started texting every day, talking on the phone about random stuff, and I had started to consider him a good friend.”

The painful memories swirled, and queasiness twisted my stomach at the thought of telling him the rest. I knew without a doubt Cal would never judge me or think less of me, but it didn’t stop that weak feeling from gnawing at me.

“But Kyle was different at school. Around his friends, he’d join in when people made fun of me or threw around gay slurs, and he’d get angry when I called him out on it. Said I was overreacting and didn’t understand how difficult it was for him…like being my friend was such a hardship or something.” I couldn’t mask the bitterness in my tone, thinking of how often he had gaslit and manipulated me.

“What a cunt,” Cal bit out, and I snorted a laugh.

“Anyway, he would always try to apologize later on the phone and promise he’d try to be a better friend. I was such an idiot, but I kept talking to him. Eventually, he got the truth out of me that I was actually gay, that it wasn’t just a rumor. He pushed a bit and I fessed up about my crush on Connor, but I trusted him when he promised to keep it a secret. Kyle asked to hang out one evening so we met up on this walking trail in the woods. He seemed normal, talking and being friendly, but then he pushed me against a tree. He was rough, trying to shove his hands down my sweatpants, and when I fought him he pushed me to my knees…”

“Fuck, Rhys…” Cal said on a strangled grunt. I knew he was thinking about the parallel to our night in the haunted house.

“It’s okay, it’s not what you think,” I rushed to finish. “Kyle told me that he’d out me to the school and tell Connor about my feelings if I didn’t…blow him. But I told him I didn’t give a crap, he could tell who he liked. I figured I should act like I didn’t care and call his bluff. He finally got pissed that I wasn’t giving in and left, but I was terrified for a bit that he wouldn’t stop.”

“Did he out you like he threatened to?” Cal ground out.

“Yeah. At least Connor hadn’t believed him about my crush and he stood up for me. I never told him about what Kyle tried to do, only that he had tricked me. It made the next couple years kind of rough being the only openly gay kid, but eventually people moved on. The damage was done though…”

Cal tugged on my hair gently, angling my face up toward his. “That’s why you thought it was wrong that you got off on what we did.” It came out like a statement of fact rather than a question. “That piece of shit was trying to sexually assault you, Rhys. There’s a huge damn difference between that and getting turned on by consensual rough sex. Please tell me you see there’s nothing wrong with what turns you on and makes you feel good…”

I bit my lip, fighting those familiar voices that told me he was wrong, that I was messed up. But they were quieter, dulled under the strength Cal gave me with every touch and every praise. He said I was the strongest person he knew. I wanted to prove him right, to be that for him.

“I believe you,” I whispered.

“I am so goddamn sorry if I ever scared you like that. I didn’t know…fuck, I know there’s no excuse—” Cal stammered out, his forehead connecting with mine as we breathed each other in.

“Shhh,” I cut him off, quieting his guilt. “I forgave you a long time ago. You were right. Nothing about us could ever be wrong. I’ve never felt anything more right or beautiful than when we’re together, Cal.”

Cal crushed his mouth to mine, swallowing my gasp. He cupped my face, tilting my head to deepen the kiss and hold me right where he wanted me. I kissed him feverishly, burning for as much of him as I could get, but he pulled away too soon. I whined, trying to follow him up and recapture his lips, but the look in his eyes stopped me.

“I love you, Rhys,” Cal breathed, those three words making my heart trip over itself. The unrestrained emotion reflected back at me made breathing near impossible. “I’ve felt this way for a while, but didn’t know how to say it. I’ve never…said that to anyone but my mom before.” He gave me a small, nervous smile that did nothing to calm my erratic heartbeat.

“B-but why? I-I mean, how do you know that’s how you feel?” I questioned, my mind racing as those words hung in the air between us.

“Because you have become everything I didn’t know I needed and everything I don’t want to live without. You’re my best friend, the one who knows me on a visceral level and I never thought I’d find that. I am in love with you, Rhys. I exist for you. I draw in breath because you are mine. It may be toxic and crazy, but my heart doesn’t know how to beat now unless it’s beating for you.”

His confession tore through me, ripping apart the foundation of who I was. What was left was the most stripped down, rawest form of me, the person who now existed for Callum Hawkins. He was right, it was twisted and dysfunctional to feel that way, but it didn’t make it less true. That was my reality.

It was too much. I tried to breathe, but the air felt thick like molasses, choking me slowly. Cold sweat beaded at my back, making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

“I’m—” I struggled to respond, but my phone alarm pierced the deafening silence again.

Oh sweet thirsty mercy, someone up there loves me! And apparently so does someone down here…NOPE. Just nope. Can’t think about that. That’s a lot of something that’s just a lot and it’s too much and I’m not ready. I cannot deal with that until I’ve had coffee. Yep. Coffee good. Thinking bad.

“I’m gonna be late,” I rushed out, jumping out of bed and grabbing up my clothes.

“Rhys, what the—you’re leaving now?” Cal asked, shooting me a bewildered look. I hopped around, clumsily shoving into my pants and shirt. I could feel Cal’s nerves radiate from across the room, guilt digging into my gut. I wasn’t trying to scare him, but there were too many thoughts crashing together in my head. Too many emotions collided and I couldn’t process them all.

“I’m sorry, but Micah’s waiting on me. We’ll talk later, I promise,” I chimed, heading for the front door. Cal’s hand banded around my forearm, spinning me to face him. The worry and fear I saw there pinched my chest.

“Look, I’m sorry I sprang that on you and it was too much at once, but…please don’t run from this,” Cal pleaded softly. “And even if you don’t feel the same, I’m not going anywhere. I’m in this, Sweetness.”

A wave of emotions rushed over me, and I didn’t know whether to laugh, or cry, or scream. I wanted to answer him so badly, but thewords wouldn’t come. I needed space to sort it all out in my head. Sensing my turmoil, Cal gave me a tight smile and grasped my face. He pressed a warm kiss to my forehead, and it almost broke me. I flashed him a smile and darted from the apartment before I crumbled completely.

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