Page 59 of Unforgivable

But Rhys is more than that and you know it.

The thought struck at my brain like an icepick, sharp and undeniable. That persistent voice in my head screamed at me that it wasn't only misplaced blame that sparked my ire with him at the party. I was terrified of what he stirred in me, feelings of comfort, affection and desire that I hadn't felt before. I hadn't wanted to face the part of me that had pushed Rhys away out of fear. If I had, I would have had to acknowledge that Rhys, through all his quick wit and unshakable compassion, had become the most important person in my life.

Among the hundreds of thoughts that ran through my head on any given day, he was the one thought that stood out from the rest. He cut through the noise and silenced it all, bringing me peace for the first real time since I lost my mom. More than anyone, he was who I needed in my dark moments, who I craved to share my day with, who I thought of each hour.

Holy fucking shit. I'm falling for that nerd.

That sarcastic, exasperating, rambling, beautiful nerd had battered his way past every defense I had, and I chased him off because I was a coward, just like he said. As much as he was hating me now, I hated myself even more for being the epic fuck-up that Blair always accused me of being. I could blame her for a lot of things, but this was me and my own demons. I made my choices, as wrong as they were, and I had to own that shit.

After brushing my teeth and trudging downstairs, I ran into Kenji in the kitchen with a few other guys from the team. They were all laughing at something our goalie Parker was saying before they all noticed me.

“Hey, nice of you to join us, sleepyhead. You disappeared on us last night, man! Last we saw you were getting hot and heavy dancing up on that one guy. I'll bet he's a freak in the sheets. Did you sneak off for a quickie, player?” Parker ribbed me, eliciting whistles and more laughter from the guys. The memory of the crop top-wearing boy from last night who had plastered himself to me made my stomach sour, especially when I remembered how he had tried to kiss me. It wasn't uncommon for me to find a partner to grind on and makeout with at these parties. That was kind of the whole point of them, but for some reason seeing him come at me and thinking about his lips on mine made me feel physically ill last night. Like I was doing something wrong.

And then Rhys had caught sight of me at that exact moment because of fucking course he would. The hurt that had flooded his features was burned into my retinas, and it made that sick, wrong feeling twist my insides even more remembering it. I couldn't even laugh along with whatever crap the guys were going on about, too caught in my own head.

I don't know what Kenji saw on my face, but his brows furrowed in concern and he cut off the questions being hurled at me about how the mystery dancer was in bed and was he as flexible as he looked.

“Alright, knock that shit off. You assholes know Hawk doesn't kiss and tell. You should be giving Ford shit for nearly starting that catfight between those twins who were crawling all over him,” Kenji scolded playfully, getting the guys riled up against Ford who started fending off their rabid questions. With the focus thankfully off me, he grabbed my arm and pulled me around the corner out of the kitchen.

“What's up with you, Hawk? You've been pissy all week and I saw you sneak out with that one kid you've been screwing with, then when you came back you stomped off somewhere. So what happened that has you all freaked out?” Kenji demanded, his dark eyes staring me down intently.

My defenses shot up hearing his accusation. “I don't know what you're talking about. Just had too much to drink and don't feel great, that's all,” I lied smoothly.

“Don't even give me that shit,” he argued. “One, I like to think I know you pretty well despite how tight-lipped you are and two, I know what you're like when you're hungover and this isn't that. You looked about two seconds away from heaving your guts out when they were giving you shit just now, and I know it has something to do with Ryan or Rhys or whatever his name is. Talk to me, man.”

Another denial crept up my throat, but I was so damn tired of lying all the time. Lying to Rhys, to my friends, to myself. With Kenji staring me down like he could see the guilt carved into my skin, I couldn't hold it in anymore. My carefully crafted mask cracked and shattered, and I let the truth pour out.

I recounted everything that had gone down with Rhys from the beginning, leaving out the parts that included Blair and Jack. I wasn't ready to share that with anyone and it didn't excuse anything I did anyway. When I ran through what happened last night, including the moments in the boathouse, Kenji's face fell in disappointment, andshame flooded me. We stood there for several tense seconds as he soaked in what I had told him.

“Jesus…I'm trying so hard not to be a dick and tell you I told you so, but fuck…” Kenji pinched the bridge of his nose, whether in frustration or disgust I wasn't sure. “I knew this thing was gonna backfire somehow, but damn, I didn't expect you to catch feelings for the guy, Hawk.”

“I never said that,” I said quickly, but denying it made my stomach knot painfully.

“Who do you think you're kidding? It's pretty fucking obvious otherwise you wouldn't be so freaked about everything. You care enough about him to feel bad about what you did to him, and I've never known you to feel guilty about anything before. Also the weird sexual shit you two have got going on was kind of a big hint,” Kenji snarked, shooting me a knowing look.

I didn't even know what to say to that, so I stayed silent. He'd warned me to be careful when I first started this ill-conceived crusade, but falling for the boy I hated wasn't something I ever planned on happening. Hell, I couldn't even remember the last time I even had a crush on somebody. When I found someone attractive, I turned up the charm, got off with them, and moved on. I didn't mind repeats if someone was a particularly good lay, but they never stuck in my head once we were done.

Rhys was threaded into my mind, as inescapable as something attached to my very skin. It didn't matter if I had only thought of him negatively at first, he had still captured all of my attention and focus. All I had wanted for a time was to be rid of him. Now the idea of never talking to him again had the power to send me spiraling into a panic.

“I…I guess,” I stuttered, unwilling to meet Kenji's penetrating gaze. “I guess I sort of started to…fall for him. But more than that, he's a friend, he…he means a lot to me now. Fuck Kenj, I don't want to lose him. Ican'tlose him.” I finally looked up to see him scrutinizing me carefully. I internally begged for him to help me, to give me something I could use to fix this shitstorm I caused.

“I'm not going to lie to you, brother. There's a good chance you'll lose him, especially after everything you say you put him through,” Kenji said solemnly. My heart thudded violently and my eyes stung at his words. “But you'll absolutely lose him if you don't at least try. Putyourself in his shoes, Hawk. If you were him, what would it take for someone to prove to you how sorry they were? What would convince you they were serious about being better for you? Figure that out and you have a chance to show him you can change.”

His advice sparked several thoughts at once as I imagined what Rhys would want in this situation. What would matter to him? My head was reeling and I suddenly couldn't stand there for one more minute, stuck in the revolving door of my chaotic thoughts. I thanked Kenji and asked to borrow his car for a couple hours before bolting out the door, phone and keys in hand.

I thanked all the heavens above that I wasn't too hungover to drive as I pulled onto the main road and sped off in the direction of campus. As I drove, I sifted through the ideas that kept coming to me after Kenji's suggestion, but one stood out as the most important. If this didn't work at getting Rhys to forgive me, nothing would. I hit the bluetooth button on the steering wheel and barked out a name for my phone to call.

When I finished the call and hung up, a queasy feeling settled over me at the prospect of my plan not working. It may not have been enough to earn Rhys' trust back, but I wouldn't regret it. He was worth the effort, no matter the outcome.

But even so, I prayed that somehow I was lucky enough that the outcome ended with Rhys coming back to me.

17

RHYS

Iwoke to gritty, swollen eyes and a raw throat after a spectacular sob fest last night. After I had cried more than half my bodily fluids out over my non-relationship with Cal ending, I gave myself a weak pep talk to get the heck over it. It wasn't like he was coming back, so I needed to suck it up and push forward.

I didn't know what I had expected to come of befriending him. Obviously, I had hoped that with the way he played my body better than Liberace on a piano and the tension that constantly simmered between us that it meant his feelings had grown into more. Like mine had.

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