Page 54 of Unforgivable

My stomach still flipped if I thought about how he had pierced me with those beautiful eyes of his and told me I was all he could see. Inappropriate swooning aside, all I had wanted was to hold him close and keep him safe from the thoughts that plagued him. Then he promptly freaked out and ditched me faster than a rabbit on crack.

It was beyond frustrating to be stuck in this seemingly endless cycle where he'd finally let me in only to turn his back on me before comingback again like an unhinged boomerang. I was losing my dang mind because when I got to see behind the mask he cowered behind, he was all I wanted. His anger was just a front, a bodyguard for the pain polluting his blood. I knew him, recognized something deeper in him that called to me. As ludicrous as that sounded, it felt like I was meant to know him.

Not even Connor had given me the connection and chemistry that I found with Cal in spades, despite our tumultuous start. Even when I was scared of his intentions, a part of me craved the fear and anticipation of what he'd do to me. All it took was that first time in the classroom for him to unlock a dark part of me I was too scared to shine a light on.

In the past, my body recognized that each time I managed to attract a new tormentor that pain would follow. Sometimes physical, most of the time mental, but always painful. The mental scars were the worst though because they never quite healed right. You can't set a bone or splint the fracture of hateful words telling you you're ugly, pathetic, unlovable. There is nothing that can fully repair the damage of being told your parents are better off dead than being with you.

But when Cal needled at my sanity while bringing me mind-numbing pleasure, it didn't trip the same alarm bells. I was fully aware that he hated me, that he wanted to hurt me in some way, but my body felt there was something about him that was inherently…safe.

Yes, I am fully aware that I have earned a one-way ticket to a padded room and a nice Thorazine drip. I know this. No reminders are needed, thanks.

I even thought I was being proven right when Cal started to open up to me and bury the hatchet, and not in my back. Now the mysterious little cretin had disappeared again and I failed to understand why. Had I not shown him I could be trusted? That I wouldn't judge him?

Doesn't he know how much I care?

“Honestly, if I were you doll, I'd just find some way to ambush him and make it so he can't ignore you any longer. But we all know I have a flair for the dramatic, so maybe toning it down a bit would be best practice,” Fin chirped through my phone. Not gonna lie, I kind of spaced out and forgot I had called him to vent about everything. I had been hanging out with Micah and his friend Bash for the day, but I needed a break. The awkward sexual tension between them was stifling.Those two just need to boink and get it over with. Yeesh.

“I don't know. Of course I want to talk to him, but I also don't want to bethatperson who can't take a hint. I mean, if he wanted to talk at all, he'd answer the phone, right?” I held my breath that maybe there was a chance I was wrong. That Cal hadn't just given up on me and Fin would convince me I only needed to try a little harder.

“Babes, I would usually say that's the case when a guy ghosts you, but this is also a little different. You're not dating hottie Hawkins, you're trying to be a friend. Plus you said he has the tendency to shut down when things get weird, so he might need a good push. Didn't he invite you to that party tonight at the lake?”

Right. I had forgotten about that dumb party. I had been too busy trying to decipher why Callum Freakout Hawkins was avoiding me to think about it. “Are we really counting that in the “good ideas” column? What if he gets pissed that I'm there?” I asked worriedly. I didn't fancy being alone out at the lake if things went south, particularly when I'd be outnumbered by wasted jocks.

“Well, at least you'd have your answer. This holding pattern you're both in isn't healthy, and you need to figure things out. But I'm also the queen of bad decisions when it comes to relationships, so what the hell do I know? OMGeez, I'm coming! Give me a minute, babe!” Fin yelled to a grouchy voice in the background.

“Wait, is that…are you back with your ex?” I asked curiously.

I heard Fin let out a resigned sigh. “Ugh, yes and no. Yes, I'm technically with him right now, but no we're not officially together. We're…working it out. Maybe. Possibly. We're taking part in horizontal negotiations...in bed. Whatevs, that's not important and you're distracting me! Go to the party, look smokin', and make him talk to you!”

I groaned and let my head fall back on my pillow, contemplating whether or not this was the most idiotic plan known to man. “Fine. I'll try my luck at the party, but if he snaps, murders me, and tosses my body in the lake, I am coming back to haunt your meddlesome butt,” I griped, earning me a snicker from Fin.

“Get in line, Reese's Pieces. My butt has a waiting list,” Fin teased. “Be safe and call me if you need me!”

I promised I would before hanging up. Somewhere in the recesses of my brain, I knew this wasn't a good idea, but I was left with few options. I hadn't ever been to Cal's place to know where it was and there wereno classes for the next week, so I wouldn't know where he'd be for the next ten days. I was going toHamiltonthis business and not throw away my shot. I ran out to the living room to tell Micah the change in plans.

“Hey M, if you two don't mind, I'm gonna head out to this lake party I got invited to,” I started, catching my roomie cuddling with Bash on the couch.For two people who say they're just besties, they do an awful lot of cuddling. Aww, they're so darn adorable and clueless.

“You're going to a party? You hate parties,” Micah said, giving me a befuddled look while Bash ran his hand up and down his arm. A flare of jealousy ran through me, not over Bash, but of what he and Micah had. I wondered if Cal and I would ever have anything close to that. Obviously not if my current predicament was anything to go by, but no sense dwelling on the negatives.

“Oh, I still do. I wouldn't go if I didn't think it was important. It's for a friend.”Eh, close enough to the truth.

“Okay? Well, you do what you need to do,” Micah smiled at me. “Just please be careful!”

“And hey, if you need a ride or anything, let us know and we can swing by,” Bash piped up. Ever since I met him, Bash had been kind to me. He was also incredibly easy on the eyes, but I wasn't one to drool over my friend's man…or not his man? Honestly I have no idea what the heck is going on with those two. That’s a whole other story.

“That's really sweet, but I'll be alright. I'm just gonna take an Uber and ask my friend for a ride back,” I shared. “You two have fun and don't wait up for me.”

I hustled back into my room to my closet, hunting for the perfect outfit to catch Cal's attention tonight. I mean, I was going there as his friend, but it didn't hurt to rev his engines a bit either. The only problem was that my closet looked like the extras trailer forFreaks and Geeks. Not revving anybody's anything with that stuff.

Desperate times, desperate measures and all that…

“Hey Micah? Do you love me enough to let me raid your closet?”

My stomach wasa giant chaotic knot the entire drive to the lake. As the Uber rounded the bend down a long, winding road, the massive house came into view. My nerves dialed up another few notches as Ithought for the tenth time that night that this was a bad idea. I'd be lucky to find Cal in that monstrosity, let alone talk to him.

I sifted through the crowd of people littering the lawn, saw a group of them down by the lake jumping into the water. I remembered Cal mentioning there was skinny dipping and I hoped he wasn't among them right now. Jealousy burrowed into the pit of my gut at the thought of anyone else seeing Cal in all his naked glory.

Shaking off that thought, I waded into the house that was teeming with sweaty bodies, alcohol, and booming music. Anxiety riddled my body and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, especially when I caught some glances as I made my way through. Some guys were shooting me with what I suspected were heated looks, but my self-esteem stopped those thoughts in their tracks. Micah's sexy, borrowed top might have given me a little appeal, but I was still Rhys underneath it. Mousy, boring Rhys. Tight jeans and a mesh shirt weren't enough to change that. I wasn't fooling anybody, least of all myself.

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