Page 107 of Unforgivable

And if you must blame someone, blame me. I made amistake, but that mistake grew into a love that created you, the light in all our darkness.

She wrote about how she first met Jack at fifteen when Blair brought him home and how they’d become fast friends. Neither of them had crossed any lines or had any thoughts of it until life just got too hard and lonely for the both of them. Mom wrote that she made the first move and Jack had tried to stop it after that first time, but their feelings had grown too strong to ignore. I understood that well enough. My feelings for Rhys had outgrown all walls and barriers I erected to keep them out, so I couldn’t fault them for that.

I know how disappointed and angry you must be with us, but I pray you find it in your heart to forgive us one day. If not me, then forgive Jack. He loves you with all he has. You are his world as you are mine, and I hope you lean on each other when I’m gone. I wish I had been brave enough to tell you the truth about us before this. I had planned to tell you when you were older, so you could ask questions and hopefully understand better. But I couldn’t leave this world without you knowing everything. I’m so sorry I didn’t have more time to do it the right way.

I’m even more sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to stay with you, my beautiful boy. But just because you can’t see me doesn’t mean I won’t be there. I will be there for every victory, every heartbreak, and every joy you experience as you grow. I’ll be there for each game and first day of school. I’ll be watching as you stumble and fall, but cheer you on when you get back up. I’ll watch you fall in love and find the other half of your heart while I support you both from the other side. I’ll watch as youbecome a father and build a beautiful family with your partner if that’s what you choose. You’ll never be alone, Cal. Our love is a bond even death cannot break.

Never forget how proud of you I am and how deep my love for you runs. There was no greater joy your father and I could have had in this life than having you as our son. You are strong, intelligent, talented, handsome, and kind. You changed our lives for the better. I know you’ll cry for me and miss me, but don’t get stuck in the past, sweetie. Go live a life that brings you laughter and happiness that can’t be contained! Live bold and bright to the point you can’t remember the tears.

I will love you, my sweetest Cal, for the rest of this life and into the next. I cannot wait to see the life you will lead and I’ll be right by your side through it all. Go take us on an adventure!

Always,

Mom

The letter fell from my hand as a sob burst forth, and Rhys instantly pulled me to him in a crushing hug. He guided my head to his lap, curling his body over mine as I crumbled under the weight of my grief. Reading the letter was as cathartic as it was painful. I could almost hear her voice as I read, and it had broken the dam that had held me back for so long. For all the fears I had of the letter poisoning the love and admiration I had for her, it did the opposite. I felt cleansed of all the bullshit, feeling lighter than I ever had before.

My body shook from the force of my tears, like I was being emptied of every drop of rage, confusion, disappointment, and pain that was embedded in my bones. Through the deluge of emotion, I felt Rhys’ tears hit my cheek and heard the stuttering breaths he tried to hide. Knowing he was hurting for me was like more proof of his love, showing me I wasn’t in this alone. Mom’s words were on a loop in my head, pieces of them standing out sharper than the rest.

I didn’t need to grieve that Mom would never know Rhys because she already did. She had been there all along and as fucking weird as it might have sounded, I believed that.

After an embarrassing amount of time blubbering into Rhys’ lap, I slowly sat up and let out what felt like my first real breath in ages. I looked to Rhys with his tousled hair, his red-rimmed eyes, his red nose, and flushed cheeks. To me, he was stunning in all his messy glory.

I gripped his face with both hands and brought his lips to mine, pouring every bit of love and gratitude I felt for him into the kiss. When I was forced to come up for air, I leaned my forehead on his and just breathed him in. He was my center, the calm to my storm, and every beat of this battered, broken heart was for him.

“I am so unbelievably proud of you for how far you’ve come, Cal,” Rhys whispered, tracing my bottom lip with his thumb tenderly. “How do you feel after that?”

I leaned back and blew out a deep breath, hunting for the words to describe it. “I’m…not entirely sure. I feel a little bit of everything, I guess? I’m happy, sad, relieved, hopeful…but also kind of numb? It’s just overwhelming and like everything’s changed, but really nothing has. God, does that even make sense?”

“Sort of, but it doesn’t have to make sense. Feelings rarely do,” he replied simply, massaging my hand distractedly. “To me, all that matters is if it helped or not. So…did it help, baby?”

“Yeah. It really did,” I answered, not even needing to think about it.

“Do you wish you had read it before now?” Rhys asked curiously, leaning his head on my shoulder.

I thought about that, searching for the regret of keeping it hidden away for so long, but I came up empty. “No. I don’t think so,” I said pensively. “I don’t think reading it before now would have helped much. I was such a furious, spiteful kid who was in too much pain to see a way out. I was in denial about being angry with mom, I hadtoomuch anger for Jack, I was hating the world and nearly everyone in it for all the shit I went through. Her letter wouldn’t have made a difference back then. I just wasn’t ready to let my guard down enough to try to understand. I think I had to get to this point first, you know? Now I don’t feel hatred or anger or anything like that. I just…” I trailed off, not knowing how to express the unfathomable change within me.

Rhys cupped my cheek, turning me to catch his knowing gaze. “Now you’re free.”

The truth of that simple statement nearly knocked me over. That’s what it all came down to: forgiving mom and dad, choosing to testify against Blair, facing the problems I’d let plague me for over a decade. Even falling in love with Rhys fucking Evans.

It set me free.

33

RHYS

The bar was a riot of laughter and bad singing with karaoke night in full swing. It wasn’t really my first choice of Saturday night entertainment, but the whole crew wanted to go out and have fun to celebrate the end of classes. Finals week had been about as fun as a colonoscopy, but we had survived. Mostly…but that’s what the drinks were for. The bar wasn’t super big, but it was already packed with UT students also blowing off steam now that the semester was over.

“Here you go, grandpa. One club soda with lime,” Cal teased, handing me my drink. “You sure you’ll be okay staying up past your bedtime?”

“Laugh it up, you cocky turdmuffin. I put your name down for some good ol’ fashioned Nickelback on the karaoke lineup. Best to save those pipes for your big debut,” I smirked as Cal’s face fell into a glare.

“Oh my god, Bash gives me shit all the time about being an old lady for liking Gin and Tonics! This audacious assholery will not be tolerated!” Micah said indignantly across the table from us, tucked under Bash’s arm. Bash was snickering into his beer at Micah’s tipsy outrage before getting a sharp elbow to the gut, courtesy of his boyfriend. Their cute antics hadn’t distracted Cal though who was staring daggers at the side of my face, trying to determine if I was bluffing or not.

“You lie…” he sneered, narrowing his gaze at me.

“Me? Lie? No, not I.” I giggled at my clever little rhyme, but Cal was less than appreciative. His growl reached me even over the din of the bar and I rolled my eyes at his dramatics. “Oh come on, it’s not like you don’t know how to sing. You sing around me all the time! What’s so bad about doing it up there?”

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