Page 100 of Unforgivable

He shot up from the couch, an exasperated grunt tearing from his throat. “I don’t want it to change things.”

“Change what?” I demanded, standing to level myself with him.

“I don’t want it to change how I see her,” he bit out angrily. It was as though we were tap-dancing around a vital answer, some truth that was fighting to get out while Cal was fighting to rein it in.

“What are you afraid will happen if you read it? Help me understand!”

“I’m not afraid, I’mfucking pissed!” Cal cried, the guttural sound tearing me in half. I froze, every fiber of me becoming paralyzed and useless. I could see the walls crumbling around him as his breath sawed in and out of him.

“Cal…” I started, but the devastation on his face cut me off.

“I have been angry at her for so goddamn long,” he started, the confession being forced out through ragged breaths. “I have tried shoving it down for years and telling myself I was okay. But when she died, she abandoned me too. Sh-she didn’t…f-fight hard enough. She l-left me alone and I d-didn’t want to hate her f-for it.” Cal’s stuttered, soggy words hit closer to home than he could imagine. I made a move closer to him, but he held his hand up to stop me.

“No, just…fuck, forget about Jack and forgiving him. What if I can never get past whatshedid? Mom had an affair and had me anyway. She kept my real dad a secret for fucking years, and then she came clean only because she was dying! And even though she knew she wouldn’t be there to protect me, she let Blair take me in, a constant reminder of their infidelity. Did she not think of what that would do to me? She threw me in the deep end of a fucking Olympic size pool ofshit that she and Jack started, knowing I would have to learn to swim without her.”

I ignored the roadblock he threw up with his hand, stepping close enough to take hold of it. I could feel his anguish vibrating into my skin, my body accepting it like I could take some of it away from him. “You are allowed to be angry at your mom for dying,” I said low and firm.

Cal started to shake his head, but I grabbed it and held his gaze intently. “It is okay to be angry at her for leaving you in a horrible position and for lying to you for so long. But baby, you will never move on if you don’t find a way to let that anger in, process it, and let it go. There is no sense in letting your mom’s final words to you go unread when it could very well help you to forgive her.”

He clutched at my waist, the desperation coming off him in waves. “I don’t want to read it. I don’t want whatever’s in there to make me so angry that I forget how much I loved her. I don’t want all the best parts of my mom to be erased by her mistakes,” Cal cried, his face splotchy and wet.

I touched my forehead to his and brought my hand down to his chest, feeling the rapid beat of his heart against my palm. “You and I know better than anyone that love can outlast anger. Your mom was your best friend and you loved her more than anything. That can’t be ruined by a few mistakes that she did her best to make up for. Deep down, you know that. I think this is more about your guilt at feeling angry and betrayed, but you can work through it if you try.”

His shaky breath fanned across my lips. Slowly he nodded his head, moving mine along with him as I leaned on him. “I’m not ready yet,” he said. “But I want to be, eventually.”

A smile tugged at my lips, feeling so proud of him for being willing to lower his shield for even the chance at getting this closure. “That’s okay, baby. You don’t have to be ready. But whenever you are, I’ll be right here with you. You won’t have to do it alone.”

Cal’s body folded around me, hugging me to him with the strength to squeeze the life from my bones. But there was nowhere else I’d rather be. If that was the price of loving him, he was worth every cent of blood and breath I had. As long as it bought me a lifetime in his arms.

30

RHYS

The sun glared down on us mercilessly as Fin and I fanned ourselves with crumpled test notes that he had shoved in his bag, both of us anxious for the game to end so we could climb off the blazing metal bleachers. Texas didn’t subscribe to spring as a season, so summer started somewhere back in March and we were already up to the high 90’s a couple days away from May. Not for the first time today, I idly wondered why my stupid hot boyfriend had to play a stupid outdoor sport that couldn’t be played in the stupid A/C. It was just stupid.

And now I’m wondering if temper tantrums are a symptom of heatstroke…I should probably Google it. WebMD knows everything. Maybe I’ll also look up if boredom can truly kill brain cells or is that, like, not a thing?

As much as I enjoyed watching Cal run around on the field looking confident and sexy as he played, I had hit my limit of Lacrosse games for the year. Five was more than enough for me. Unfortunately, it was the semifinal and I couldn’t miss it, but I’d finally dragged Fin with me so he could keep me awake. He whined and moaned about it until he got a good look at the players all sweaty and muscle-y, then his outlook quickly improved. When Griffin caught sight of us as he warmed up on the sidelines, he shot a wink at Fin who stiffened and turned bright pink. He then pretended to uncap his middle finger and use it like chapstick while holding Griffin’s amused stare before he jogged ontothe field. He looked rather pleased with himself, but apparently his enjoyment had evaporated because he’d been a moody sucker for the last half hour.

UT was tied with Texas A&M ten to ten and they had less than a minute left on the clock. It didn’t seem like a lot of time to me, but what the heck did I know? I was lucky I remembered the few things Cal had taught me so I wasn’t completely lost watching his games. On the field, Kenji squared off with the other team’s player to get the ball, and Kenji quickly scooped it up before I could blink. It was hard for me to keep an eye on what was happening, but finally Griffin snagged the ball and took off. I noticed Fin’s energy kick up substantially as he watched Griffin dash across the field, which was interesting considering their interaction earlier.Oy, these two…I can’t even with them…

Griffin’s stick raised and he catapulted the ball toward the goal, but the goalie caught it in his crosse and chucked the ball toward his teammate who dropped it. Several of our players and the A&M guys dove for it, and the field was a blur of sticks and bodies. I lost track of the action until one of our guys broke from the pack, ball secured in his net. I recognized Cal’s toned, strong form as he sped across the field, the power in his legs propelling him forward. Fin grabbed my hand painfully tight as the tension in our bodies kicked up incrementally with each yard that Cal ate up on the field.

I could almost hear the ticking of the clock counting down as Cal dodged around an opposing player and hurled the ball toward Griffin, but he was too crowded to get a shot at the goal.Tick, tick, tick.Griffin feinted right before cutting left around the A&M player, flinging the ball back to Cal who caught it effortlessly.Tick, tick.He ran straight for the goal, launching the ball with brutal force and it sailed straight into the net…tick.The clock ran out.

The stands erupted around us, all of us leaping to our feet and screaming as Cal’s teammates swarmed the field to tackle him, smacking his helmet in excitement over his game-winning goal. A smile split my face, cheeks on fire from how wide it was as I watched Griffin, Kenji and Cal rush each other in a bear hug that looked borderline painful. They looked so happy and I was ecstatic for Cal. I knew how much this sport meant to him, and I was thankful I got to experience him in his element like this. Right as the thought hit me, Cal whipped off his helmet and scanned the stands. Violet crashed with blue and green as our gazes connected, and tearspricked my eyes at the joy and pride that were splayed across his features.

Fin and I exited the bleachers and made our way down to the field, but out of the corner of my eye I thought I recognized someone filing down from the stands. I didn’t have long to think about it before strong arms crushed me around the waist, lifting me off the ground with a small yelp. The smell of sweat, grass, and spicy bergamot reached my nose, and I inhaled it like a hit of cocaine.Or rather, Calcaine…hehehe. Oh Jesus, this is definitely heatstroke. This is how I go out, I know it.

“Sweetness, did you see that??” Cal shouted excitedly, twirling me around as I laughed at the pure happiness he emanated. “We’re in the championship final!”

“I saw! You were incredible, baby! I’m so dang proud of you!” I gushed, wrapping my legs around his waist and cradling his face in my palms. His bright, perfect grin did dangerous things to my pulse and my chest felt heavy with emotion. Slowly, his eyes grew heated and I saw all the filthy ideas swirling in those mischievous depths. His smile grew wicked when my cock twitched against his abdomen.

“Hey, quit hanging off your man like some slutty panda and get over here!” Fin griped, standing several feet away with Griffin and Kenji. Instantly, our surroundings filtered back in and embarrassment tinted my cheeks as I tried to drop out of Cal’s arms. He was having none of it until he planted a blistering kiss on my lips, his tongue pushing through to dance with mine. I stiffened since our PDA wasn’t usually so blatant, but I was powerless against that magic mouth of his and I whimpered at the contact.

“Sorry, not sorry, but you owed me a victory kiss and I always collect on my debts,” Cal smirked, setting me back on my feet.

“Well, I think you just traumatized that young, sweet family over there by turning this into an HBO After Dark special. Solid choice,” I sassed. I turned toward our friends, but he yanked me back against his chest, his mouth brushing the curve of my ear.

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