Page 61 of Unforgivable

“Don't do that. Don't act like you don't care because I know you do!” he retorted, his voice rough.

“You can't blame me for not caring anymore because when I actually did, you're the one who didn't. Like you said, I care far too much. Congratulations, you've officially beaten it out of me. Now kindly go and leave me alone for once,” I bit out, attempting to once again close the door on him, but he held it steady.

“Well, I'm smart enough not to give up on a friend when he's hurting. Isn't that what you said?” Cal reasoned.

I stared blankly at him, having nothing left to offer him. I was just…empty. His chest went motionless, as if he were holding his breath waiting for my reply to save him.

“Funny. I thought you said we weren't friends.” I gave the door ahard shove and it slammed close, shutting out the haunting image of Cal's face when he realized I wouldn't save him this time.

The restof the day I moped around in my room, avoiding Micah so I didn't have to explain what was wrong with me. He caught me in the kitchen at dinner time, and I put on a brave face to throw him off. He didn't need to know about all the crap I had going on when he had his own issues to deal with. I didn't want to put that on my friend, which is also why I hadn't called Fin to give him the play by play either. I just wanted to be alone and forget Cal ever existed.

That quickly proved impossible when I couldn't go more than two minutes without thinking about him. He was stuck in my head like a bad song, that single verse you know playing on repeat until you're driven crazy. You hate it at first, and can't stand the fact that you can't stop hearing it, only to finally listen to the whole thing and realize it somehow became one of your favorites. That's what Callum was. He had become my favorite bad song to play.

As I was beating myself up for thinking about Cal for the eighty-second time on Monday afternoon, the doorbell rang for a food delivery being left in the hall. It was a coffee carrier with two cups and a blueberry scone from the same place Cal always brought me coffee. A tightness twisted my chest and I got the sudden urge to toss it all out. But when I noticed a note taped to the back of one of the cups, I paused.

Rhys,

I didn't sleep much last night and I figured you'd be in the same boat, so I thought coffee would be helpful. I also remember your unfortunate caffeine addiction, so I got you a second order. I know you don't want to see me, but I have so much I want to say to you. You were only half right when you said you know the real me, but there are things you don't know that you deserve to.

I told you the night we met was a really bad day for me, butI didn't tell you why. It was the anniversary of my mom's death. I always lose it every year on that day, usually getting piss drunk and making shitty decisions to block out how badly it still hurts. I sometimes feel like I'll never really heal from losing her because it hurts so damn much to this day. Then you came along and made that one comment about me having mommy issues and I snapped. You couldn't have known, so I don't blame you one bit, but it hit me hard that night. That's why I got in your face and was so horrible to you. You had every right to turn me into Coach and I'm so sorry for being a coward and coming after you. It's so messed up that I regret every time I purposefully tried to hurt or scare you, but I'm also glad I was deranged enough to try it because it brought me closer to you. I'm grateful that you were brave enough to put up with my sorry ass and give me a chance at being your friend. I only hope I haven't lost you for good and I can earn another chance at keeping you in my life. I'll never stop trying.

What hurts more than anything right now is knowing my mom would be so ashamed of me for hurting you like I did. I really wish she could have met you, Rhys. She'd like you as much as I do.

I miss you and I'm sorry,

Cal

My eyes stung and it felt as though I were suffocating from the pressure behind my ribcage. I had no idea that night had been so traumatic for him, and I had to go and make everything worse by running my snarky mouth. I remembered exactly what I said to him and how it was like a switch flipped inside him before he charged me. I was a total, heartless weasel for saying anything that nasty to him. This is why Gran always warned me about turning the other cheek because you never know what hurt someone's carrying with them. When I looked at him that night and heard his snide comments, all I saw was an amalgam of every cruel boy that had ever come after me when Iwas younger. I thought I was being so brave fighting back and not letting him push me around, but all I had done was trigger his pain and he lashed out.

If he had said something about my parents, I would have done the same thing. And yet I turned him in thinking it was the right thing to do to punish him.That certainly worked out for you, Evans. Why don't you go polish that halo of yours for being such a good boy?

Those two words had my gut clenching and sadness bled into my veins remembering when Cal had called me a good boy, how it had lit me up from the inside. Whether he had said it to taunt me or not, the effect had been instantaneous and I had melted at his touch. I shook my head to clear it of the unwanted recollection, instead taking the coffee carrier and hobbling back into my room.

Tuesday afternoon, a Torchy's Taco bag was left out in the hall with the same order I had when I ate there with Cal last week. A second note was taped to it and I braced myself for whatever new revelation he'd hit me with.

Rhys,

I haven't had much of an appetite since Saturday night, but I wanted to make sure you were eating. I remembered how much you loved Torchy's when I took you there, so I considered it a safe bet. Even if you never forgive me or I never talk to you again outside of a letter, I still want you to know the real me. No one has ever known me as well as you do besides my mom, and although it scared me at first, I wouldn't change it for anything.

I found out my mom had Ovarian cancer one week before my tenth birthday. I remember thinking it wasn't a big deal because she didn't look sick. She seemed normal and I thought the doctors would give her medicine and she'd get better. She sat me down on our couch and said she had something important to tell me. She said “Cal baby, mommy is really sick. I have cancer and I'm going to fight so hard to get healthy for you, but I need you to know what this means.” She told me that the treatments would make things worse for a while and shewouldn't be able to do a lot of things like she used to. She told me that there might come a day where she could no longer fight it and I needed to remember how hard she fought to stay with me. I didn't cry that day on the couch. I remember not feeling sad or angry or anything really for a while, until one day it hit me.

One morning, I asked her to make me pancakes like she did every weekend, but mom said she couldn't do it. She said it made her really tired and apologized for not being able to make them for me. I don't know why, but I lost it. I started screaming and crying, asking her why she couldn't just be the same mom who always cooked me pancakes every Saturday morning. I begged her to get better because I was scared that she'd never be able to make me pancakes again. I think that was the day I really understood that things were never going to be the same, that there was a chance I'd lose her. I haven't eaten a pancake since.

I've never told anyone about that before, but I wanted to tell you. I want you to know me, Rhys. Every dark and broken part of me is yours to see.

I miss you and I'm sorry,

Cal

I cried so hard reading his note that I gave myself a headache. I saw it all so clearly in my head that it was as though I had lived it alongside him. Images of a sobbing, screaming ten-year-old Cal assailed me and my heart crumbled for that sad little boy who had to come to terms with losing his mother.

I struggled against the insane compulsion to call him and comfort him for sharing something so personal with me, but I didn't allow myself to fold. Instead, I blocked his number and gave the Torchy's to Micah, claiming it was the wrong order that was delivered. Eating it felt wrong when I was still so angry with him and had no intention of reaching out. Yet a small piece of me was flailing around, yelling that Iwas throwing him away like I accused him of doing to me Saturday night. However, I shoved that irrational piece of me in a box with an industrial strength padlock because it wasn't the same thing. Cal threwmeaway, and some shared secrets and delicious takeout wasn't enough to fix what he broke.

When the doorbell rang again on Wednesday evening, I legitimately worried I was headed for a psychotic break. I craved another note that would give me a shard of the real Cal, a glimpse of the man I fell so hard for, but that was utter insanity. I knew better than to let this man back into my head and heart after all the hurt he caused me.

That didn't stop me from unwrapping the package that held a special edition DVD ofEver Afterand a third letter taped to the back. Confused about the latest white flag from Cal, I opened the note telling myself it was just to satisfy my curiosity. What a load of crap.

Rhys,

---