Page 29 of Inevitable

“And whose fault is that? You used to tell me everything!”

“Well, so did you!” I shouted.

Bash fell quiet at my outburst, hurt and anger spreading across the line. I didn't understand why he was being such a jerk to me about this, but maybe it was because he was right. We used to tell each other everything under the sun, our lives an open book to one another without question. It hadn't seemed like that was the case the last few months.

“I'm sorry, M&M,” Bash murmured softly, “You're totally right…this is my fault. I'm the one who broke your trust first and lied to you. You aren't in the wrong here. It's all me.” Bash's gruff tone made my throat tighten painfully and I worked to swallow around the lump there.

“BB…”

“No, really, it's okay. So tell me about the date. Did it go well? Are you seeing him again?” Bash asked, but his voice held the faintest undertone of tears and regret.

I swiftly felt like utter shit that I had dropped that bombshell on him like that, but there was no turning back, so I elected to be as honest as I could.

“We went out for coffee, and it was pretty fun. He asked me out to dinner in two weeks, and I told him yes. I…I think it'll be good for me, you know?” Every word felt like acid working its way up my throat, shredding my vocal cords as I forced the words out.

Bash was quiet for a minute, and I was about to ask him if he was okay, but then he replied, “I'm really happy for you, M. Youdeserve so much happiness and more. I really hope it works out.”

The words made my knees weak and I nearly crumbled to the ground, pain draped over me like a shroud. Bash had said he was happy for me and wanted it to work with Kit, which should have made me happy. I should have been relieved and pleased to have my best friend's support, yet all I could feel was immense grief that he was pushing me toward someone else. It wasn't surprising that he did, but it hurt nonetheless.

“Thanks, BB. Text me later after your dinner,” I choked out, praying I didn't sound like I was as close to tears as I was.

“Always. Text you later,” he said softly.

“Love you, BB.”

“Love you, M&M.”

And with that, he hung up the phone and I sank to the floor, unable to bear the weight of the ache growing in my chest any longer.

CHAPTER 13

Bastian

Adate. Micah had a date. Micah had a date and didn't tell me. Micah had a date and it went great. Micah had a date with another man.

No matter how many ways the idea ran through my head, my heart refused to believe it. Once I had accepted that I had fallen for Micah, it was like my mind was rebelling and refusing to cooperate with letting him go. My heart was so full of him it was as if it no longer belonged to me, but was taken over by him and there was no way I would want it back. It was his completely.

There was no use imagining what it would be like to give into my desire for Micah. I was tied to Ainsley by invisible ropes holding me down with their ruthless weight and the vindictive threats of my father. There was no way out for me without letting my mother suffer for my selfishness, so I would build walls around my heart and keep my love for Micah hidden away and protected, to be frozen in time and preserved like a beautiful treasure to remain untouched.

Over the next two weeks, I endeavored to stay busy with my schoolwork and a tech application that I was developing on the side. Since high school, technology and programming had been my go-to stress relievers. Micah had always teased me for being a closeted tech geek, but I think he secretly loved that part of me.Apparently he loved all parts of you, jackass, and you were too stupid to see it.

I was attempting to develop a mobile mental health app that would hopefully be a one-stop shop for anything mental wellness related. If I could get the coding and framework right, it would help people tracktheir mental health symptoms, let them plug in their symptoms for a potential diagnosis, provide them with healthy coping options, and let them search for licensed therapists or psychiatrists near them. It was inspired by my mom and everything she had struggled with for years. I knew the mental health system was fucked in our country, but I had high hopes that one day I could finish the app, sell it, and make at least some small difference in people's lives.

The other bonus to expending so much mental energy on designing my app was that it prevented my mind from straying too much to Micah's upcoming second date. If I let my mind wander there, I would conjure up too many images that cleaved straight through my chest and wrecked my sanity. So I worked.

Knowing that avoiding Micah would only further damage our bruised relationship, I made sure to text him daily and keep connected to him in some small way. Sometimes he would badger me about what was wrong and I despised myself for lying when I had always been able to be honest and vulnerable with him before this year. Other days it seemed that he was fed up with my non-answers and he didn't press the matter, ignoring it in favor of falling into comfortable conversation together.

I ached to see him and it wasn't lost on me that Micah moving to Austin was supposed to give us nearly unlimited access to each other, yet we had never felt more separate. It was just too difficult to see him right now with my newly realized feelings so raw and prominent in my consciousness. I knew I was being a coward. I was avoiding seeing Micah in person to spare myself the pain when all our distance did was hurt him.

The day of Micah's date, I knew that if I sat around in my apartment without keeping my head occupied that I would drive myself to the brink of insanity. I texted Dawson, who had become one of my closest friends at school, to meet me somewhere for a distraction.

ME: Dinner & drinks at Victory Lap? Need to get out tonight.

DAWSON: Hell yeah. What time?

ME: 10 minutes good?

DAWSON: Cool. See you soon.

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