Page 27 of Inevitable

Ugh, I knew he was going to ask that. I had debated endlessly Sunday whether I wanted to tell Bash about my date with Kit, but something held me back. I could try to blame it on Bash being sick and not wanting to have the conversation over text message, but in all honesty, I was nervous about his reaction.

It's not that I expected Bash to fly into a jealous rage and sweep me into his arms, commanding me to never see Kit again because he couldn't live without me.Though it makes for a very sexy video that will play through my head all day on an endless loop because I am a hopeless idiot. Maybe it will make a nice visual to latch onto while I use “Baby BB” later? Hmm, possibilities…

I think it was the fear that I'd see nothing but happiness, acceptance, or maybe even indifference on his face, and for some reason that hurt more than I knew what to do with. I guess if Bash was happy for me and wholeheartedly accepted me dating Kit, then it would be irrefutable proof that Bash held no love for me in that way, and it would crush what remained of my fragile heart that was utterly his.

With that knowledge, I decided to keep my date with Kit under wraps and only tell Bash if I felt it was truly going somewhere. I wrestled with it because of the whole “secret Ainsley” debacle, but I thought it was a different enough scenario to not count. Kit wasn't my boyfriend, we hadn't even kissed, and our date hadn't yet happened. There wasn't really a need to tell Bash anything yet.

I just hoped I was doing the right thing.

*****

The week dragged on in a blur of classes, homework, and caffeine-fueled studying and next thing I knew, it was Saturday morning and I was preparing for my coffee date. Bash and I had barely seen or talked to each other all week, only able to hang out for a quick twenty minute lunch on Thursday after I complained that I missed my best friend.

I didn't understand what was going on with him and it was starting to piss me off. He had never been this closed off before, especially with me. After he had pleaded to fix things between us, I have to say I expected a more concentrated effort from him. Not to sound too pathetic or anything, but the whole point of me transferring to UT Austin was to be closer to him and grow our friendship after two sucky years of being apart. You'd never know it of course because Bash the Ass was doing his best to remain tight lipped and avoid me.

Okay, I didn't actually know if he was actively avoiding me or genuinely busy like he told me, but the third option was honestly the worst to me; his time might have been occupied by Ainsley. It's not that I didn't like her…she was just a good reminder that some people really needed a high five.

On the face.

With a chair.

Repeatedly.

I logically recognized that I would need to put in a good faith effort to tolerate Ainsley's and Bash's relationship, but I still hadn't brought myself up to trying. It was still too new and raw to me to think about Bash having someone so significant in his life who wasn't…me. I got that it was a selfish, jerky thing to think, but I was only human and Bash had been my number one person for so long. I wasn't entirely prepared for the day to come where I wasn't the most important person to him.

I didn't want to dwell on the state of Bash's affairs too much before I had to meet Kit at the coffee shop, so I did my best to focus on my wardrobe and my handsome date. It was 10:15am, giving me about two hours to get ready and hype myself up for my first, real adult date.

That was the thought that tripped me up the most. I hadn't actuallydated anyone since…ever. I literally had never dated before, not even in high school. The only boys who were out at my school were all cute little twinks who were adorable in their own right, but not exactly my type. My type was…well, did I really need to say? For years, I didn't think much of the fact that I didn't date because I hung out with friends, attended parties, and had a few hookups when the urge struck. To me, my life wasn't missing anything. Now that I was examining it further, maybe I had put myself on hold more than I thought.

It was now blatantly obvious that I had, subconsciously or otherwise, put a pause on my love life for Bash, hoping against hope that there was a chance he'd wake up and see me as something more than his friend.

It was a sobering thought that hit me like a slap to the face when I looked at the evidence of how truly pathetic I had become. But then, it was a feeling I was becoming intimately acquainted with.

It's a special kind of pain when you have someone lodged in your heart, but you can't hold them in your arms and make them yours.

I'd like to say I've learned to live with it, but I'd be lying to myself. I'd been forced to live with it, struggling to breathe most days when hit with reminders of just how unattainable a future with Bash was. This date was like turning the page to a new chapter that I knew wouldn't involve him, but my story had to go on one way or another.

By the time I pulled up to the coffee shop, I was feeling optimistic and even a bit excited at the prospect. Kit was waiting for me at a table in the corner, messing with his phone, but when his attention was pulled to me he broke out in a huge smile that put me at ease.Okay, you can do this! You are sassy and bad-assy, and you can rock his world!

“Micah!” Kit grinned at me, standing to pull out my chair. “I'm so glad we're getting to do this. I've been thinking about you since last weekend,” he murmured in my ear, his breath warm on my neck. Funny enough, it didn't have the same effect on me as when Bash would do it. With Bash, the action would have raised goosebumps all over my skin and ticked up my heart rate, whereas when Kit did it it was just a…pleasant feeling. Not bad, but not anything to write home about.

Okay, this is bad. Not even two minutes into my date and I'm already comparing Kit to Bash. Get your shit together, Russo! Get. It. Together!

“Well, thank you. I've been excited for this, too,” I told him shyly. Kit smirked at me as he sat down. I then noticed he already had a coffee cup next to him, having ordered before I got there. Was it customary to order without your date there? I didn't exactly have awealth of knowledge on dating etiquette, but I was leaning towards “no”.

“Oh, uh, did you already order? Was I later than I thought?” I asked, knowing full well that I was right on time for our date.

Kit waved me off, “No no, not at all. I got here early and thought I'd go ahead and grab something for myself. What would you like to drink? I'll go up and order for you.”

“Uhh, I'll take an iced caramel macchiato, easy ice,” I said, noting that Kit's face shifted slightly as I spoke, almost seeming judgmental about my order.

“Alright, coming up,” he replied, his lips thinning imperceptibly as he got up to go place my order.Huh…weird, but maybe he's just a health freak. It's fine. No biggie.

When Kit brought back my coffee, we launched into semi-easy conversation with Kit doing most of the work because I was woefully out of practice at being a functioning human adult apparently. I knew I wasn't usually that inept, but it was hard to think of topics or things to say when Kit's piercing baby blues were staring at me so intently while he spoke.

I did observe that he seemed to talk about himself a lot, not asking too many questions about me unless something I said really piqued his interest. I assumed it was because he was just as nervous as I was and talking about ourselves is always the easiest thing to do.

I discovered that he had wanted to study law since he was eleven, his parents were both affluent lawyers in their own right, and he was close with his family, especially a cousin he grew up with who lived nearby. He also talked about his high school years, the sports he played, the pets he had growing up, and an unfortunate incident his sophomore year of undergrad when his roommates played a prank on him while he was hooking up with a girl in a frat house. They had snuck in and stole his clothes, leaving him to flee the house afterwards with nothing but a baseball cap he found covering his junk. Oh, and that's also how I found out that Kit was bi.

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