Page 82 of Inevitable

I ran through every scenario in my head for how I would handle seeing Bash on campus, how I would put up with his presence that seemed never-ending. Even staying in my room was a constant reminder of him. My pillows still carried his scent, my bathroom still held some of his things, my room was still littered with clothes of his that I had stolen. There was no escaping him. There seemed to be one option on the table that was like the bright, shiny ripcord to yank me out of that situation, but there was no guarantee it would work. Doing it once had been a lot, and I wasn't sure I could do it twice, but it beat the hell out of reopening the same wound day in and day out.

There was nothing for it. I had to go back to UNT. Dallas carried just as many memories of us as Austin now did, but at least the memories back home weren't littered with the jagged remnants of our relationship, of all we had been to each other. At home, we had only been BB and M&M, best friends since childhood. Here in Austin, we were Bash and Micah, boyfriends and lovers. Now we were neither and I could only stomach one of those new realities at a time, and the memories at home were less raw and painful. At least that's what I told myself.

As I laid on my bed, contemplating the bleak decision I was making and deafening my ears with Adele, I noticed my bedroom door swing open in my peripheral vision. I didn't look. I didn't care who it was. That meant I had to care about other things and caring led to feeling, and feeling led to crying, and I had cried so much that I was in danger of mummifying.

A shadow fell across my bed and I looked into the face of my sweet, concerned roommate. Rhys had known almost instinctively that I needed my space this time around, and he had let me know in subtler ways that he was there for me. He had made me lunch and dinner every day, leaving them outside my door. Every single time, there was a small piece of paper with a heart drawn on them attached to the trays. No words, no platitudes, just a heart. It was perfect and had the tears falling harder every time. That one heart from Rhys said so much without saying anything, and I was reminded why I was grateful to have him as my friend. So far, I hadn't been ready to talk with him about any of it, but I know he put two and two together. My mood didn't need any explanation.

“Micah, I know you've needed a few days to yourself, but I'm really worried about you. You haven't eaten, you've barely moved around in here, and you haven't said a single word since you came home. I've never seen you this bad, and I don't know what Bash did,but maybe talking about it will help?” Rhys hedged, sounding like he was treading lightly. I felt terrible that I had worried him because he didn't deserve to be picking me up when I was so far down, but I was thankful he even cared to begin with.

Heaving out a big sigh, I pulled myself into a sitting position. I closed my eyes and dug inside for any ounce of strength remaining to share the story with Rhys without collapsing in a deluge of sobs again. He just sat gingerly at the foot of my bed, waiting patiently for me to be ready.

“Bash lied to me,” I whispered, his name alone enough to slice through the numb layer around me. “He didn't blackout that night at UNT. He remembered…everything.” Once I was convinced that I wasn't about to fall to pieces, the gates opened and I shared the entire depressing tale with Rhys. Like the incredible friend he was, he didn't try to interrupt, offer meaningless advice, or badmouth Bash as I spoke. He didn't have pity or judgment in his gaze.

When I looked, I saw nothing but true empathy and compassion coming from him. In retrospect, I was a complete idiot to blindly believe Bash's claim of blacking out, but I had trusted him. I had never known him to lie to me at that point, so my naive heart latched onto it as the only possible outcome to our tryst.

“Micah, I am so truly sorry that happened,” Rhys whispered, grabbing my hand gently where it laid on the comforter. “Has he called or texted you since? I can't see Bash letting you go that easily, no matter what awful things he said.”

I found that I had no answer for him. My phone had died shortly after coming home Thursday morning, and I hadn't been interested in charging it yet. “I don't know. Haven't looked at my phone. It's dead.” My voice sounded flat and foreign to my ears. It sounded nothing like the happy, in-love sap from a few days ago.

“Maybe you should…” Rhys' words were interrupted by a knock at the door. The hairs on my body stood to attention and my pulse raced in my throat. My body sensed his on instinct, like a beacon in the night. I hoped one day that instinct would die out.

Rhys threw me an uncertain glance before making his way to the front. I heard the creak of the door and hushed murmurs of two voices. I had to fight my natural reflex to run to the foyer and greet him. Not even two minutes later, Rhys pushed into my room again, looking nervous. “It's Bash. Why don't you give him just a few minutes, Micah? I think you owe it to yourself to at least hear him out.”

I didn't necessarily agree, but I also had things I needed to say. Well, just one thing really. He deserved to hear it from me. Or maybehe really didn't, but he'd hear it nonetheless. Taking my time to stagger off my bed and stumble to the living room, I didn't look up at him until we were face to face. Looking at him had clearly been a mistake because my traitorous heart leapt for joy as if to remind me that it had found its match again. No matter how many times he had broken it, the pathetic organ in my chest still beat for him.

Bash's green eyes were dimmer than usual, and he had a slight scruff framing his sharp jawline that only made him more ruggedly handsome. He had on dark jeans and a navy crew neck sweater that was one of my favorites on him. For the first time ever, I had no desire to reach out and touch him. The wall of ice had survived the heat of his presence enough to keep me safe from the familiar urges.

He spoke first. “Hey M…I thought you might not have been eating much, so I made your favorite for you,” he motioned to the large tupperware in his hands that held the food. He had stooped low bringing me his Fettuccine Alfredo. He knew me too well. When I made no move to take it or acknowledge the gesture at all, he looked around nervously and set the dish on our kitchen counter a few feet from him.

The silence was as loud and awkward as it could have possibly been, alien to us since things had never been awkward between us. Not like this. When the tension had built to stifling levels, he broke it. “M, I came to explain…”

“Micah,” I cut in. He looked up at me confused. “Not M, not M&M. Just Micah. Say what you need to say and just go, Bastian.”

If I had skinned him alive, it would have hurt him less. The pain was stark on his beautiful features and he wobbled a bit like his knees had almost buckled under him.

“M-micah, I…I can't just go. I came to explain why I lied to you, why I was such a coward that first night we spent together. I came to make it right and earn you back,” he professed softly. Again the numbness within me held me back, kept me stable as he pressed on.

“Micah please, I know I broke your trust and did a horrible thing, but I swear to you that I will never lie to you again. You've known me since we were kids. You know I can be trusted! I fucked up so badly this year, but I can be better, Iwantto be better for you! To give you everything! I never should have let you think I regretted that night because there was nothing to regret. Our night together meant so much to me because it helped me see that I was falling for you all along,” he said emphatically, his eyes shining with sincerity.

That was the worst part about the whole thing. I didn't doubt Bash's love for me. He had proven I had his heart, but his lie had also proven that I didn't have his trust. I didn't have his respect. No matterhow much he loved me, it hadn't been enough to earn his consideration and the truth.

“You heard me. That night when I told you I loved you for the first time, you heard me,” I told him, low and clear. “You have known since before I came to UT that I loved you for years.”

Bash didn't move a muscle, but I saw the slight shake in his eyes that told me I was right. He didn't argue with me.

“You then continued to lie about Ainsley and I had to endure seeing you together even though you realized how much it killed me. I didn't think you saw how much it tore me apart, but you knew the whole time. Then when I got up the courage to tell you again how I felt, you looked me in the eyes and told me that you didn't feel the same way. I could forgive it one time, but that was the second time that you had done everything you could to hide how you really felt. You destroyed me and you knew it would because…my love wasn't a secret to you. You understood and you destroyed me anyway,” I accused. I vacantly realized that I had dampness on my cheeks and when I licked my lips, they tasted of salt.

Bash's face mirrored my own as I saw tracks of tears run south toward his chin, but he made no move to wipe them away. “M-micah, I am so…”

“I tried to get over you because I thought you couldn't recall what we did and you said you weren't in love with me. I tried, and Kit happened. I never would've been with him, never would've gotten hurt if you had just been honest with me back in May. We could have been together and Kit wouldn't have had an opening. Now, I own my part in all of that despite his scheming. I made my choice, but I also know that I had limited ones since you had torn our chance away from us. The damage your lie caused stretched far beyond that one night. There's no way to erase it all,” I whispered, not trusting my voice to hold out for much longer. I could feel the ice thaw and crack with each word, and I feared the pain that was soon to follow.

“Micah, God, I am so fucking sorry!” Bash cried, his hand shooting out to grip the counter for support. “You're right, you're right about everything. I didn't think about how much shit that one lie would cause, but it was a lie made in a moment of panic, I swear to you! I didn't mean for it to go so far and hurt you as much as it did! It kills me that you had to suffer through seeing me with Ainsley, just like I suffered seeing you with Kit. Jesus, it makes me sick to think of how much pain I caused you because you are my whole heart, Micah!”

He moved toward me, and I flinched when he reached out to touch me. He held back and dropped his hand. “All I wanted to do was love you, and I hate myself for letting my fucked up decisions ruin what wehad. I know I can't erase it, but I will do every single thing in my power to heal you piece by piece until you are whole again. I caused your hurt and I will make it right. Even if it takes me fifty years, I will heal you with every kiss, every touch, every word I can because you are worth a lifetime of atonement. Please..give me a chance to show you I can be worthy of your love again.” The tears made his jade orbs shimmer, and the first shard of agony wrenched its way through my frozen armor.

“This is pointless, Bastian. It's done and I…”

“There is nothing pointless about fighting for you!” Bash grabbed my face with his hands and tightened his grip when I tried to pull away. “You are the point, Micah! You are the only thing that is worth fighting decades or centuries for. If I died before winning you back, then I'd go through all nine levels of Hell to get back and fight for you all over again. I'm just asking that you let me fight for you.” He lowered his forehead to mine, and he dropped to a whisper, his voice giving out. “Fight with me, baby…stay and fight with me, please.”

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