Page 43 of Bound By Obsession

“Hey, you made a quick exit back there. Thought I should check on you.” He fists his hands, no doubt trying to refrain from pulling me into a hug.

“I thought you would be too wrapped up in Avery to realize.” I have to look away from him, hating the bitterness that spewsfrom my tongue every time I open my mouth. Why can’t I just let it go? Let her go?

Before Axel even opens his mouth, I can already hear his voice in my head, telling me it doesn’t have to be this way. Urging me to let go of my hostility and join the group. To save him the effort and the chance of anyone else overhearing, I drag him into my room and swiftly close the door. Axel halts just a few steps inside.

The blackout curtains are drawn, as they have been the entire day. Clothes are strewn across the floor, my bed a mess of twisted covers. Evidence of a mini meltdown I had yesterday lies heaped in the corner, broken wooden shelves and a fan that got in my way. I’m just thankful the bathroom door is closed so he can’t see the state of the oval mirror, or now lack thereof.

Axel’s eyes narrow on the small pill box Rachel gave me sitting on the pine dresser, already popped open and ready for my next hit. Not wanting to explain, I spin him by the shoulders and give him the damn hug he wanted.

There isn’t a moment’s hesitation before Axel is embracing me. The weight of his comfort is almost enough to make my knees buckle. It’s easier to keep the Shadowed Souls at an arm’s length, to deny myself their acceptance than face the harsh reality. Once Avery is dealt with, I’m gone and this time, I won’t be returning. They need to learn to manage without me.

Closing his arms around my middle, Axel rests his cheek on my shoulder. After resisting at first, I ease into the support he’s offering, the rest of the world briefly fading away. The fight I’ve been clinging onto evades me, allowing for a moment of weakness to slip through the crack. My life has been flipped upside down, tossed side to side and back again since the last time I permitted Axel to hug me like this.

But for a singular split second, I wonder if Axel might be able to help dust me off when I eventually stop falling and eventually crash into the ground.

“How did you do it?” I ask softly into his ear. His chest rumbles against mine, our closeness too comforting to be considered alien.

“Do what?”

“Find yourself again after…” A part of me feels terrible comparing my situation to his. Axel’s been through a type of hell I can’t even imagine, but maybe he could offer some advice on how he rebuilt and moved on. He doesn’t answer for a long while, the cogs turning in his mind. Stepping back for his hazel eyes to assess me, I’m stunned by the resentment held within.

“What makes you think I’ve found myself? Look at me Wyatt. I’m a man who can’t survive without affection, who relies on everyone else’s moods to get by. I live through others to avoid the pain that still plagues me. I’m as fucked up as I was seven years ago, you just can’t tell as easily.” Axel steps away from me and leaves the room in a swift movement.

I remain, frozen in place and stunned by his admission. My eyes focus on the spot where Axel had been standing, trying to understand how to turn his words into something I can use. I don’t know what answer I had been hoping for, one that will magically give me a light to strive for. But instead, all I heard was‘you’re never coming back from this.’

Throwing my foot against the edge of my bed with a cry of rage, the wood splinters and the end of the mattress dips slightly. If all I was destined to be was a rich couple’s decoy, then I wish I’d never been born at all.

The shadow in the corner of the room draws closer, cloaking itself over my back. I know it’s not real, that he’s not really with me, but I absorb Ray’s comfort anyway. A lump lodges itself in my throat. What would he say if he were really with me?That he’s proud of the man I’ve become? I scoff, turning away. Grabbing two small pills, I storm into the bathroom. Remnants of the shattered mirror still cling to the wall, dissecting my face into a hundred mini reflections. I hate every single one of them, I think as I toss the pills into my mouth and swallow them dry. The effect isn’t as instant as I’d like, leaving my chest heaving and my green eyes piercing my own soul. How did it all go so wrong?

High pitched laughter somewhere within the house drags me back from the brink of self-destruction. A sweet sound, so filled with careless joy. Avery’s life is in danger, more so with every passing day, yet she’s running around playing kiss chase with my friends. She manages to find the good in every situation, but there’s no good in me to be found.

Crossing the room with powerful strides, I swing the door open to see Avery huddled at the far end of the hall, looking around for whoever is hunting for her. A feeble attempt to conceal herself with a curtain is ruined by her large blue eyes and flushed cheeks peeking out. She blinks up at me, a trace of excitement lacing her expression. Surely she’s not expecting me to play again, or I haven’t been doing my job well enough. One burger and she’s practically melting at the sight of me, clearly hoping I’ll offer to hide her in my room. Fuck that.

I bare my teeth, feeling every bit the animal I probably look. My clenched fists hang by my sides, no clear plan in mind other than to strap her to a chair and scream in her face -‘why?!’ Why was I dragged into her mess? What makes her so special that my life had to be used to defend hers? Instead, I throw my fist into the wall, causing her to flinch and leave, hating myself for it all the more.

My strides don’t slow until I’m beyond the porch steps, the numbness of the pills finally settling in. I hate to think I’m so far gone that I’m becoming immune to them, because then I’m trulyfucked. The air is twinged with smoke, a faint pathetic glow all that’s left of the campfire Dax spent over an hour coaxing to life. Judging by the screamed laughter and squealing filtering out of the second floor windows, it did the job.

I walk across the sand until reaching the ideal spot to sit, a few feet from the water’s edge. Waves roll lazily, not having the energy to break properly in the moonlight. I know how they feel. Once in a while, a light breeze carrying mist passes over me, the saltiness filling my senses. Pushing my fingers into the soft sand, I grab and release handfuls in an attempt to feel grounded, not that it works. My feet sink deeper, my body sinking further into the blackhole growing within. Ray stays close as always, a flicker of movement on the edge of my vision but when I look, there’s nothing really there.

Turning my attention back towards the landscape, the moon shies away behind a cloud, plunging me into almost pure darkness. I would grieve the loss of light, if it wasn’t perfectly resonating with how I’m feeling. Now I can wallow in peace, shrouded by the shadows and cut off from the beach house. That distinct numb sensation has taken over my limbs, my mind. The questions that plague me slow, but never fully stop. Is this it? Am I supposed to keep slipping away until only a shell of a man remains?

My actions are no longer my own. I’m trapped inside my skull, muttering the consequences but unable to stop myself from shuffling out of my shorts and tossing my shirt aside. I wobble to stand and through distant eyes, watch myself walk into the water in my boxers. Icy coldness seeps across my feet, creeping up my legs with every long stride.

Walking further into the inky depths, the water level rises over my thighs, stealing all sensation on its way. Only stopping once my chest is fully submerged, a sense of calm finally settles over me. My heartbeat slows, the low temperature surroundingme biting at my skin. I stand there for a long while, desensitized to the sharp sting prickling my body. The notion of staying right here is almost too tempting, allowing the sea to draw the life from my pores and carry me away. I wonder who would mourn for me, but on closer inspection, I have to wonder why do I even care? I’ve given everything to those I love, ensured they will have futures that far outlive me, and not once have I ever felt truly indispensable. Wyatt is always discounted as the asshole, he’s easy to toss away.

I stare into the dark, into the nothingness. It’s all I’ve got left. The icy water presses against my skin, seeping in like it’s trying to extinguish whatever remains of me. I step deeper, the cold climbing up to my neck, each movement slow and mechanical. There’s a dull hum in my ears, the world blurring at the edges as the pills sink deeper into my system. I barely feel anything now—just the water, just the pull on something better waiting somewhere beyond my grasp. The tide tugs gently at my body, urging me forward, welcoming me like an old friend.

I wish I could say I fought it, that I wrestled with the thought of disappearing, but it’s not a fight when you’ve already surrendered. I don’t feel like fighting anymore. I’m tired. Tired of pretending that tomorrow will be any different. Tired of being the one who gets left behind, the one everyone expects will be fine because I’m supposed to be the guy who can take it.

I can’t take it anymore.

My breath fogs in the cold air as I sink lower into the water. The sea cradles me like it’s been waiting, patient and calm. For the first time, the questions stop. No more asking if I’m good enough or wondering when it’ll all fall apart. No more pressure, no more weight on my chest. I can just… float. Disappear into the deep, drift away until I’m nothing but a ripple on the surface.

My knees give way, my body falling forward and my face slipping beneath the water. The glacial water rushes over me,closing in on every part of me, but it’s not so bad. The world above disappears, muffled and far away. It’s finally quiet. The silence is so peaceful that for a second, I think maybe I was always meant to end up here, suspended between the surface and the deep, where no one can reach me. Maybe I was never meant to resurface.

But then her face flashes in the dark. Rachel, waiting for me at the kitchen table, her tired smile, the worry she tries to hide. She’s already lost so much, how could I let my selfishness bring her any more pain. The weight of it settles in my chest, heavier than the water surrounding me. I think of her sitting by the phone, probably wondering why I haven’t called. She still believes in me, still thinks I can pull myself out of this spiral. She’s the one person who’s never stopped wanting me, who looks at me like I still matter. Like I’m more than the mess I’ve become.

The cold starts to bite harder, and my lungs beg for air. Despite the screaming in my mind, my limbs are only growing lighter. I clench my fists beneath the water, fighting the instinct to stay down, to let it take me. I hold onto the thought of making it back to her, back home, but my body refuses to obey. Panic flutters against my deadened heart. I’m too late.

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