Page 19 of Hell on Wheels

“Don’t look at me; I’m just the cook.”

He gives me a suspicious look, but drops onto one of the chairs.

Hopefully, that will hold him off for a little longer.

Skin

When I wake up alone, I have a moment of pure panic.

Usually, I’m the one who skates out before dawn, leaving the person I exorcised my demons with behind. I never give my partners the impression that our time together is more than casual fun, so it’s never been an issue when I’m gone before they rise.

This was different.

It wasDamon,and Iaskedhim to come to my room.

I don’t know why I did it—it might be the sneaking suspicion it was more than just a drunken fling.

For the love of Mab Rogue, you shared blood. You know it was.

Pushing my hair out of my face, I sit up and wrap my arms around my knees. I rock front to back as my forehead rests against them, fighting the urge to scream as the voices that have whispered in my head since I was a child return. I’ve been fighting their siren song for so long, but I’ve never been able to quiet them. The only person who could help was Reck, and he’s gone.

The knowledge that I’m not worth caring about or valuable enough to trade has haunted me since the day they sent him away. Graciella and Odhran never physically abused me or left me without necessities, but their emotional neglect made me a broken toy with no ability to form connections for fear of being abandoned. One of my trainers tried to send me to therapy after a month-long sex and booze bender in middle school, but that lasted about as long as the flavor of Fruit Stripe gum.

They called my absent parents to force me to stick with it, but they couldn’t be arsed to come from Majorca. Their presence was ‘mission critical’ and they ‘simply couldn’t return early.’ Social media told me that was a lie, but I didn’t correct them. Why bother? I didn’t want to sit and spill my guts to an empath shrink.

Graciella adopted Rebel the week after they returned, and he’s been my anchor ever since.

Guess they were embarrassed about their ‘defective’ child and upgraded.

A new sibling isn’t a replacement for my twin, nor is a kid capable of helping another kid work through their mental health problems. But Reb’s always done his best to support me, even when he was being an overprotective fuckwhistle. I suppose it could have been worse—he brought an annoying little sister into his circle of friends with minimal complaints.

That helped me stay sane while I processed the grief of losing Reck.

When I joined the Bombers and met Mina, it took alotof coaxing to get me to let her in. Reb encouraged me because I needed a female friend to share girly shit with. Or that’s how he put it. I don’t know if he was glad I was finally someone else’s problem, or he really meant it. I was so grateful to have another person truly give a shit about me that I didn’t question it.

I look at the mussed sheets for a moment, and my chest tightens. If Mina hadn’t betrayed me, I’d be calling her now. We’d gossip about the mind blowing sex I had with a super hot nerdy demon, and she’d help me climb out of the insecure pit I’m sliding into because he’s gone. She might even be able to help me figure out if last night was as big a deal as I think it was.

But she’sgonelike everyone else. She left me for a better option.

Theyalwaysleave for a better option.

Tears leak from my eyes and I burrow into myself, letting the pain of yet another loss run through me like a dagger in my gut. No matter what shields or walls or glamours I wear, I’m always going to be the girl no one picks. I can gird myself with fashion and flash and sass, but inside, there’s still a soul deep wound that won’t heal.

I sniffle, unsure what I’m going to do.

Obviously, I can’t stay here and look them in the eyes. Damon will have told them and they’ll all know what a fucking idiot I was. Hell, I should have known better than to think Reb or any of his friends are more than the bad boys they claim to be.

If someone shows you who they are, Rogue,believethem.

Reck’s voice echoes in my head as I indulge in the first genuine cry I’ve allowed myself since his unwilling departure. My shoulders shake as the sobs wrack my frame, desperately wishing I could rewind time like an ancient one so I could erase my drunken decision to ruin my life. The guys were all I had left, and now I’m truly alone.

What the fuck was Ithinking?!!

Lifting my head, I reach over and grab the comforter to wipe the snot and tears off my bare legs. Mina got one last shot at my kidneys, and she didn’t have to lift a finger this time. My drugged up, alcohol hazed brain did all the heavy lifting on this one. Fucking one of the guys so I could feel something, anything at all, and assigning meaning to it was the stupidest possible thing I could do.

Now, I have to live with the consequences of my choices every day or people will know.

Shame floods my system and I curl back into a ball, rocking myself as I try to figure out how I’m going to put all the armor back on so I can be seen in public again. Not one, but two strikes at my most vulnerable spot is something I can power through on the boards. I don’t know if I can do it when my heart is shattered.

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