Page 88 of A Debt of Darkness

And then it stops.

Everything falls quiet.

The silence is deafening and it's worse than the shouting. It's the absence of certainty and the tension is thick. It's louder than any sound I've ever heard and it looms like a thief in the night, preparing to steal my safety and security.

It's still too quiet and I stare at Matt, asking how much longer we’ll wait before we find out what the fuck's going on.

25

CRYING LIKE A GIRL

IVY

It’s been an hour and it’s fucking quiet.

Matt remains between the door and me, and I’m losing my patience. And my goddamn nerve. I’m too worried to think straight and too panicked to react.

All I’m doing is making an unpleasant situation worse.

My teeth grind again and Matt tells me to be quiet. I’m done waiting and I need to do something. Anything but this.

“Stop fussing,” Matt says. “Hold a little longer.”

“What happens after that?” I ask.

Matt turns and his eyes narrow. “I’ll check it’s safe, Ivy. You’ll stay here. Keep the fucking door locked.” He steps towards the door. “I mean it, Ivy. The door opens for all three of us, so don’t open it. For anyone.”

My pulse quickens and I’m moreafraid than ever. This is worse than when I first arrived. More terrifying than being locked in the dungeons. At least one of us had control. At least the quiet wasn’t dangerous. At least I could breathe.

“What did I say about the door?”

Matt’s drilling his point home and it grates. I’m not an idiot. I’m far from naïve. I don’t know exactly what’s out there, but it’s bad and I’m not venturing into a lion’s den without a damn good reason.

“You’ve made your point already.”

He unlocks the door. “Remember it.”

The door locks behind him and panic ignites. Ever since the dungeons, the locking sound has made me anxious, but the pressure is unbearable. I’m sweating, shaking, and my heart aims to explode from my chest as it tries to escape its confinement. I’m alone, I’m vulnerable and there isn’t enough oxygen.

My breathing’s erratic and I can’t shift enough air. My chest is expanding, but I’ve run out of room and it isn’t enough. It’s tight and every breath is agony. I can’t exhale, can’t decompress and the blood escaping to my head is flowing fast enough to make me dizzy.

The room starts spinning and colors blur. I try focusing on something solid in the palette of mixing creams and pinks, but there’s nothing to latch onto. I can’t make sense of anything and even time loses meaning, as seconds race by but drag out into agonizing eternities. I’m drowning in my anxiety, spiraling into a whirlpool and there’s little chance of escaping on my own.

I can’t free myself from this. There’s no way to avoid it. My only salvation is to endure, waiting until someone throws me a lifeline or pulls me out of the spiral I’ve descended into.

I pace and sway, holding myself as I rock to try to calm. It’s taking the edge off my anxiety, but I’m not coping. Finally,I recognize the weakness I’ve been hiding from for years. I’ve tried to be independent when I could never be, and I've tried to stand alone when I was always going to crumble.

It’s pointless pretending to be something I’m not and I am not strong. I can’t anchor myself and that’s what Henry is—a port in the storms I’ll endure and a beacon that navigates the dark.

The door unlocks.

I freeze and my heart stops.

This is too soon and it can’t happen quickly enough.

It’s the sum of all my fears and hopes, and as the door slowly opens, my head turns light and I fight to stay standing. My eyes lock on the hooded figure walking into my room, and he isn’t immediately recognizable. He’s not unfamiliar but I can’t place him and my fog lifts instantly as I snap into reality and fight to place the man who’s entered my room.

I draw breath and step back, preparing for the worst. I’m out of my depth, but there’s nothing left to do but fight and try to buy myself some time. It’s all I’ve got and I might gain a few precious seconds that give Henry, Matt, or Ryan the chance to save me.

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