Page 71 of A Debt of Darkness

Henry leans forward a little and my heart races. I'm afraid. Of him. Of what he could do. Of what he wants to do.Of what I want him to do. My head’s a confusing mess and it can’t keep up with itself. I’m adrift, barely staying afloat, and the only life raft I have might want to devour me in a way that could prove fatal.

“You need to be believe me, lea. I only tasted you to complete the ceremony. To keep you safe. It's why we had to marry, why we couldn't wait. You would have been vulnerable, and I couldn't risk losing you. I'll never risk losing you.”

He sounds desperate. Maybe desperate enough to lie.

I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can trust him. Not now. Not when the smallest mistake could be my downfall. It’s too big a risk, too great a chance.

He’s already taken from me, without my consent. In more ways than one. I can’t abide this. I can’t endure this. But I can’t abandon him either and my heart breaks, shattered as it’s torn between two conflicting desires. Safety and Henry. Freedom and Henry. My old life and Henry.

“Please, lea. You are safe. I won't harm you even if you cut yourself. I can control myself. I will never harm you. Never drink from you without permission again. I couldn’t risk them hurting you.”

I assume he has enemies. Powerful men always do. These will be different from the ones I imagined. More powerful. More determined. More vicious and possibly even more lethal than my husband.

My thoughts spiral again as I wonder who they are. What they are. What they’ll do to me if they get the chance. Suddenly, my room doesn’t seem like such a bad place. I can stay here and nothing will threaten me. The walls aren’t as oppressive as they once were, and I could find ways to amuse myself. I could live a small life here, away from everyone and everything else lurking outside. It wouldn’t be what I hoped and dreamed my life would be, but I’d be alive.

There’s no going back from this now. I can’t unlearn this and the terror ripping through me is a tsunami threatening to destroy me. The adrenaline burning into my veins makes me more anxious and Henry notices, watching the flickering on my neck as my heart pumps blood around my body frantically.

His eyes are wild and their scarlet is bright enough to bore into my soul. I let my fingers trail down him and he stills, waiting until my hand reaches his heart.

There's no beat. No sound or vibration and it isn't pounding against his chest.

“Please, lea. I am all I ever was. I am not a monster.”

I swallow. “Just a liar.”

His face screws up in agony and my heart feels his pain. It knows it in a way that's visceral, as he knows mine. I'm hurt and he's wounded. I've been betrayed and he's lied. He asked me to trust him and I don't know if I can.

Henry's hand grabs mine and I flinch. He notices and his grip tightens, refusing to let me go. He's fighting—for me, for this, for us.

“I only lied to keep you safe. I kept my word, Ivy. I told you as soon as you were ready. I knew you'd hate me, but I told you anyway.”

He laces his fingers through mine and I stare, utterly transfixed. My hand's so small against his and his fingers are so much longer. More lethal with those claw-like nails.

It feels right.

Strangely right.

Like my hand was made to fit with his. Like we're supposed to be this way. He's meant to keep me safe and I'm supposed to let him.

“There are only two uses for humans as far as most vampires are concerned. Food and toys. You're neither, lea. Mypet, yes. But I worship you. I take care of you. It gives me pleasure to attend to your every need, your every want. I'll never treat you as a pet to be toyed with and then thrown away or abandoned. You're my mate. My wife. My reason.”

I must have lost my mind because I’m pleading with myself to believe him. I want it to be true. Part of me is desperate to forgive him and find a way to make this work. It’s screaming all I need to do is accept the logic of what he’s said and move on, as I moved on before.

But I can’t quite. Not yet.

I need to know there’s nothing else.

I want certainty. Security. Honesty.

I sure as fuck want no more surprises.

“How do I know you're not lying now?”

He sighs. “I'm not. I'm not telling you everything, but only because it'd overwhelm you. You'll want to know about the other vampires and covens. You'll want to know about our society and our history. Our gods and our customs. It's a lot, lea, and I promise to tell you all of it. But first, we need to find ourselves. I need to know I haven't lost you. I need to know you accept me.”

There's panic edging his voice. Fear too. Henry needs certainty and I haven't given it to him. Not enough. Not yet.

I'm scared. My hand shakes and my heart races. This feels like a leap of faith. It's an exercise in trust and it's harder than all the other things he's asked of me. I want to believe him but he's fucking terrifying like this, and when his fangs catch the light I shudder, trembling at the thought of them sinking into my skin.

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