Page 39 of Erik

“Hello?” Her drowsy greeting fuels my remorse.

“I’m sorry to wake you up, Dr. Perlman. Christine Daee here. I need an emergency session.”

“My dear.” The elderly lady’s lilt warms me up. “It’s a pleasure hearing your voice, despite the circumstances. Let me find glasses, schedule.” I stifle a whimper. In the past, she would be booked solid for months. I might have to wait a few days before we can talk. I hear a slapping sound as she returns to the phone, scoffing, “What am I doing? It’s an emergency. I’ll see you first thing this morning.”

Relief washes a chunk of my burden away. “Thank you. I’m three hours behind you. I should be home in about thirty minutes; after that, I’ll be free any time.”

“Call me in an hour.”

“Will do. Appreciate it, doctor.”

***

After telling her the events of the night, and summarizing what’s happened since Erik started tutoring me, Dr. Perlman takes her time, scanning my face through the computer camera. She asks, “How do you feel?”

With a sigh, I lift my shoulders in a deep shrug. “Erik’s not a stalker like those men in the refugee camps. But, yesterday, confirming my suspicion that he followed me around the set for weeks, watching me from the shadows.” I shudder. “It made me uncomfortable.”

“You’ve got to name things for what they truly are: feelings, people, events. Is ‘uncomfortable’ the best word to describe your feeling toward that situation?”

I cast my eyes to the keyboard of my laptop. “‘Afraid’ defines it better.”

“That makes more sense. Fear stems from our instinct to survive. A common reaction would be escaping, but you stayed. Why?”

“Because I wasn’t in real danger?”

She chuckles. “You tell me. I can’t answer that for you.”

I tilt my head, stroking my chin. “Yes, I knew there wasn’t real danger.”

“Why?”

“Because Erik’s a good man. He cares for his staff, he loves his son, and he’s always treated me kindly.” I hold my fingers as I list the qualities. Staring into Dr. Perlman’s placid expression, I add, “Whatever the darkness in his past is, he’s remained good at his core.” I sigh. “I wanted to try kinky sex because I think it’s a deal breaker for him. I enjoyed aspects of it.” My cheeks burn and my skin sizzles remembering how his touch ignites me. “Most of them, actually. But I don’t believe I can commit to his lifestyle, not wholeheartedly. Not if it triggers me.”

“Great points. Let’s keep calling things by their right names.” She holds an imaginary bowl in each hand, the beads in her leather bracelets sparkle under the lights of her office as she moves her arms up and down. “Erik’s a good man with a troubled past we don’t know much about.” She lowers one hand and raises the other. “You’re a kind woman with hurtful memories we know well.” She weighs out the invisible scale. “Take inventory of your emotions, how they affect your behavior. Take a hard look at your memories, and how they frame your feelings today. In between them, you find the triggers you must recognize beforehand to avoid being swept away by the undercurrent.”

I nod. “You used to tell me, ‘You can’t control anything, except yourself.’”

She smiles. “Do you also remember discussing your dad’s death? Your mom’s suicide?”

Choking, I swallow hard. “They weren’t my fault.”

“Exactly. A bomb killed your dad in the war. Your mom killed herself after that vicious gang rape left her bedridden for life.”

I wince, with the weight of a ten-ton boulder cutting air from my lungs. In a feeble voice, I counter, “They only caught her because she threw herself at them so I could run out the back of our hut.”

She approaches the camera, whispering, “As any mother would do. You were thirteen. You wouldn’t have survived that attack.”

I reflect on her words, tears burning my face. I groan, rubbing my hands on my cheeks. “Constant alert to avoid triggers is almost impossible. Sweeping things under the rug would be much easier.”

She shakes her head, wiggling an index finger. “Not at all. If you lock up those memories in a dark corner of your mind, they’ll eventually knock down the door, and sneak up on you, when you least expect. That’s what happened yesterday.” She pauses as if waiting for her words to sink in. When I nod, she adds, “Now, you tell me Erik’s not a stalker like those men in the camps. I say you’re not that little girl anymore either.”

My heart stutters, tears well in my eyes. “But she still lives in me. You used to say that.”

She grins. “Of course, she does. She’s the one triggering your reactions. It’s her you must convince Erik’s different. Not me, not you. Her. But she’s a tough nut to crack because she’s seen the worst in mankind.” When more tears roll down my face, her soft voice helps mend me. “It’s okay, let it all out.” I wipe my cheeks with tissue, blowing my nose. “Can we work together to get you through this quicksand? Absolutely. Only you can decide if that’s worth the fight because it’s going to be an uphill battle.”

Glancing at the clock on the screen, I square my shoulders. “Understood.”

“I’ll adjust your meds, set your next appointment. In the meantime, you’ve got homework.”

---