“I thought about exploring Tokyo’s nightlife,” I said, slipping on some sweatpants. “But I’m worried it’s too risky. Someone might see you and start asking questions.”
He nodded slowly. “Would that be so bad?” he asked, sitting up, his tone cautious. “Being seen with me, I mean.”
There it was, his insecurity shining through that perfectly sculpted face of his. I knelt beside him on the bed.
“Sam, it’s not that I wouldn’t want to be seen with you,” I said softly, touching his cheek. He leaned into my hand. “It’s just that it could cause us all sorts of problems, and I can’t risk that. I’ve finally got my life back on track, and things are going really well at work. I don’t want to lose any more than I already have.”
“So you’d rather lose me?” His voice turned cold, and I couldn’t help but flinch at his words.
“I don’t want to lose anything, Sam. If we can keep this quiet and continue as we are, I’d take that. But if it’s too much for you, or if you’re looking for something more serious, I understand. You’re free to go whenever you need to.”
He exhaled sharply, frustration evident. “I thought we were building something real here.”
Oh God, not this again. Not now. I closed my eyes, searching for the right words.
“Sam, I wish we’d had a better start. But this is real life, and things don’t work out that perfectly.” I cupped his face in my hands. “We’re in different stages of our lives, and we can’t fully enjoy whatever this is while we’re both at Icon Records.”
“Then I’ll leave the label,” he said, far too quickly. “Or you could. I don’t care. We can figure it out.”
“I’m not quitting my job, and that’s not how it works for you,” I said firmly. “You’d have to pay an absurd fine for breaking your contract, and your career would be over before it even began.”
“I don’t care, Elena.” He jumped off the bed, his voice raw. “I’ll pay it. I’ll give up everything if it means being with you.”
What?
“You’re not thinking straight.”
“Yes, I am. I’ll give up all of this for you. Forever.”
“I don’t want forever with you!” I practically yelled back. The words flew out before I could stop them. They shouldn’t have come out like that, so harsh and sudden, but I couldn’t hold back. He wasn’t thinking clearly; he was willing to throw away everything for me, and I couldn’t handle that. Not for myself, at least. If he wanted to destroy his life, it wouldn’t be because of me. We stared at each other, both stunned by my outburst.
“Well, I knew I cared more than you did, but I didn’t think…” He shook his head. “What am I to you, Elena?”
“Sam…”
“No,” he cut me off, raising a hand. “The truth now. What is this?”
I’d told him he could leave, right? Maybe it was time to burn this bridge.
“I don’t love you, Sam. I don’t see this going anywhere beyond what we have now. We get along, we have fun, and that’s it. I don’t want a relationship with you—or anyone, for that matter. It’s not you, you’re amazing, and the sex is great, but I just like spending time with you. I’m sorry, but you asked for the truth, and that’s it.”
He stared at me, processing what I’d said before turning and walking out. I tried to stop him, but he needed time, and I couldn’t deny him that, not after what I’d just said.
I felt awful for hurting him, but I felt even worse for letting him think there was something more between us. I hadn’t been fair to either of us.
I didn’t know where he went. I tried calling him a few times before his phone switched off. I was getting dressed to go look for him when he finally walked through the door.
“For fuck’s sake, Martin,” I yelled. “Where were you?”
“Out.” He shrugged, his expression blank.
“Oh, so you chase after me and then vanish without a word? What if something had happened to you? How would I find you?”
He rolled his eyes and sat on the bed. “It’s funny, isn’t it? You let me in, then tell me I’m nothing to you. We’re even.”
I moved closer, reaching to touch his hair, but he pulled away.
“You’re right.” I sighed. “But I’m not ready for this, Sam. I’m not ready for a…”