Page 9 of Forever is Now

I can’t pretend that I don’t still worry about this—that I’ve never had a moment like that. Even with Ruari, it’s been slow to build, from security and stability and friendship. That trust wasn’t instant. I didn’t fall in love with him at fourteen years old, even though everyone refers to us as high school sweethearts. And I never had that ‘spotlight’ moment, where it feels like a light has been shone on him and everything else has dimmed in comparison.

But then I remember what those books are describing: sexual attraction. And I’m asexual. Ruari’s asexual. What we have is enough, and it is real, and it is ours, and there’s not a wrong way for us to be in love because I know that we are in love, I feel it, even when we’re not cuddling in bed.

Even now, knowing that he and I cannot be together anymore—that too much has happened, Mia has happened—I still know I am deeply in love with him.

I still have the same worries—and at twenty-three, I knew I was in a healthy relationship when my biggest worry was that something would happen to him. That Ruari would die. That he’d go for a long drive to visit his family and he’d have an accident. That I’d get a knock on the door, answer it to find a policeman. Maybe two. Hats in hand, somber eyes.

“I’m so sorry, miss,” the policeman would say. Or maybe it would be a policewoman. They’d look at me with sad, sad eyes, and I’d gulp and I’d know.

They’d ask if they could come in. I’d show them into the living room. It would be too hot, and I’d be sweating as they’d make me sit down.

“I am afraid I have some bad news to tell you.”

Their eyes would be so so sad, and I’d see it all in my head—really play it out, this whole scenario. It would make my chest hurt and my heart hurt and my soul hurt. Whenever I thought about it, I’d feel it like it was real. My eyes would mist up and sometimes I’d actually cry. Sometimes I’d get a huge pain in my head, and it would feel like my insides were crumbling.

I knew at twenty-three I could not live without Ruari.

I needed him. I couldn’t be without him.

I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.

Then Ruari proposed. January 2017. It was actually the day beforeSwept Awayreleased. And that was the start of it all—the Hell that followed.

But anyway, we’ll take a quick break now.

##

Summer Taylor-Braddon: So, Ashley, Hana, and Julia have left now. It’s just me and you, Adelaide—and don’t worry, you will get the whole stage, shortly. Or the whole studio. But let me just finish this part.

So, it wasn’t Hell immediately. Of course not. Ruari and I were in love. And it felt so exciting, knowing that we were making this commitment, that we’d be life-long partners. That we’d grow old together. That I had truly found my person.

There were still so many times, back then, when I couldn’t believe it. When I just stopped and looked at Ruari—this handsome man who was perfect for me, who I was perfect for. I had found him. I mean, what are the chances?

But we had found each other, and we did everything together. He’d always been into geology and stuff and we began going to conventions on that for him. Conferences. Lectures. That sort of stuff. And for me, we’d go to book fairs. He’d sit through long talks by authors he’d never heard of, but he’d appear to be interested, and then he’d talk to me about it all on the way home, engaging in conversation—just as I did with him.

We set a date for our wedding—5th July, that same year, 2017. We had six months leading up to it, and I remember the giddy excitement of it all. Because it was exciting, planning a wedding. Looking around venues, picking out table pieces, talking color themes, and of course dress shopping.

Hana and Julia went with me to my first wedding dress appointment. I’d wanted Mum to come but she had work. She’d already booked the week off for the wedding itself but her boss was being a bit of a dick really and wouldn’t let her take any time off beforehand. “Anyway, I’ll get to one of the fitting appointments,” she told me. “Once you have your dress.”

Julia created a Pinterest board especially for wedding dresses. This was of course when she and I were still friends. The three of us started watching all sorts of bride-chooses-her-dress programs and Hana would clog up my IG inbox with reel after reel.

“You should totally get a dress that’s a bit different,” she said one day when the three of us were lounging on my bed. “You’re like, goth. Your dress should be.”

I hadn’t been ‘goth’ in years—that was like, in year 7 and 8 at school—but I guess I still had those edgy vibes. Still listened to My Chemical Romance and Avril Lavigne, still watched a lot of horror films, still was drawn to reading dark fiction. “But I want a traditional dress,” I said. “White all the way.”

Julia rolled her eyes, and sure, she did keep trying to get me to look at different styles of dresses, but I held firm. Anyway, beyond the dress being white and traditional—or maybe even somewhat traditional—I wasn’t truly sure what I wanted. If I’m being honest, I was just so overwhelmed as we looked through image after image, video after video.

“I like the skirt there,” I said.

“That’s the train.” Hana rolled her eyes. “Anyway, what kind of neckline do you like?”

I gestured at my own body and sort of traced a pattern on my T-shirt. “Like this?” I had no idea what any of these necklines were called, but Hana nodded, said I was describing a boat neck, and then started typing that into Google.

There were so many parts to dress design, that’s what I discovered. Not just neck lines, but the height of the waist, whether it clinches in around your hips or whirls out, how many layers the skirt has, the kind of materials and textures you’re going for, whether you’ve got sleeves or not, a back of a dress or not—and I was totally shocked when I realized that quite a lot of wedding dresses don’t have backs.

“But if I was wearing that and sitting on a stool and there was like a table behind me and someone was behind that table looking at me, if would look like I’ve got nothing on,” I said. “It would look like I was naked!”

Julia laughed and Hana rolled her eyes.

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