Page 5 of Forever is Now

And it couldn’t work though, he realized, when I would be away in London. How could it? He asked that, over and over again. And that was when I knew we had our first communication problem. Because being long distance appealed a whole lot more to me, for one reason only: less chance of us sleeping together.

You’ve got to understand, back then, I didn’t know about the ace spectrum. I thought I was just... I don’t know. Scared. Broken. Like there was something wrong with me. I just assumed that sex was this thing that I’d have to do eventually, once he and I had been ‘together’ a little longer. The cost of being in love.

And I knew—or at least I thought I did—that he wanted to be doing it. He told me later that hethoughthe wanted to, because hethoughtthat was what he should’ve been doing. And he thought that I would want to, too. His friends were constantly asking him whether we’d done it yet. He’d already told me this, and I thought that was his way of testing whether I was ready.

I was not ready, and I felt pathetic that I was eighteen years old and I didn’t want to have sex with him. But I also didn’t want to lose him. But me going off to London, well, it seemed like it would solve the problem—even though I didn’t want to lose him.

You’ve got to understand, he was my first love. My only love. Things just clicked between us, as cliché as that sounds.

But we ended up breaking up just before I went off to London, and I was utterly heartbroken. Duvet days, being the saddo who eats the whole tub of Ben & Jerry’s, day after day. And of course, it was the start of uni, too. Freshers’ Week. I didn’t go out though. Didn’t take part in the activities, the clubbing, the free society taster sessions. I just couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t stop hiding away.

I felt pathetic, being that upset over a guy. But it was Ruari. It felt different with him. You see, I’d kissed a few boys before. Gone on dates. But they always felt... I don’t know. Performative. Prescriptive. Whereas with Ruari, it was right. Organic. Yes, that’s the word. And we started off as friends. We knew each other before we got together, so we just felt... right.

But we’d both thought, at the end of that summer, that there was no way it could work. So, that was it.

But of course, it wasn’t. Spoilers! But everyone knows.

Anyway, now it’s time to bring a few other people into the studio.

[Sounds of a door opening, people entering and sitting down, and the door closing]

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Summer Taylor-Braddon: Firstly, thank you so much, everyone, for coming into the studio at the weekend—I really do appreciate it. And I know it hasn’t been easy to find a time when you’re all free.

So, three guests have joined us. Would you like to introduce yourselves?

Hana Burton: My name is Hana Burton. I’m Summer’sbestfriend.

Julia Rivers: Julia. We, uh, were friends.

Ashley Kincade: And I’m Ashley.

Adelaide James: We hadn’t agreed on others coming into the first session.

Summer Taylor-Braddon: If only I talked, people would accuse me of lying. Bringing in more voices makes it better, right? Anyway, don’t get jealous. You’ll have a chance next week to bring in whoever you want—if you’re still on talking terms with them?

Anyway, thank you for coming in, Hana, Ashley, and Julia. So I’ve just got to the point where Ruari and I broke up, just when I was leaving for university. I’d like to stick to a roughly chronological timeline for everything if we can, so can you tell us about this?

Hana Burton: Well, uh, I was surprised. Like, really. You and him, you’d seemed so perfect for each other. Like, when we were at school, you just started getting closer and closer, and it was obvious to all of us that you were meant to be together.

You’d sort of do this—we called it ‘their dance’. Not an actual dance. Sorry—I don’t know who I direct this to. Direct address of third person.

Summer Taylor-Braddon: How about you pretend I’m not here and just talk to the viewer?

Hana Burton: Okay, so it’s like if Summer came into the room, Ruari would turn his body toward her. Wherever she walked, he’d turn to face her. And the same with her too. They were, like, drawn to each other. So aware of where each other was, even if it was subconscious.

Julia Rivers: We thought they’d have got together in year 12, but it took a bit longer. Was really great when they were though—even if they thought they’d hidden it from us well enough.

Ashley Kincade: Yeah, there was no hiding it. They were just meant to be together. And that’s why we were all surprised when they called things off.

He was proper cut up about it, too. I mean, I’d assumed it had been Summer’s decision, but he said that he’d made the choice—seemed to think it was the best thing. Yet he talked about her nonstop after. Proper lamenting. We were worried about him.

Hana Burton: Summer didn’t—talk about him, that is. I mean, Julia and I tried to get her to talk—we were worried about her, too, you know? But she just closed up completely. We didn’t really hear much from her after she went away to London.

Adelaide James: And what about you, Julia?

Julia Rivers: We figured she was moving on. Like, she was tagged in so many photos of nights out, so we thought she was doing okay. She looked like she was having fun.

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