Page 79 of My Heart to Find

“Looks like they’re closing up here,” Trevor says.

I turn and see the waiter is wiping over the tables behind us. We’re the only ones in here now.

“Fancy a walk?” I ask. “Just ‘round the park?”

“Definitely.” He smiles widely.

We leave a tip and head out. Trevor talks now about the rabbit he had as a boy—I’m not entirely sure how the subject came up.

“No way he was called Thumper!” I exclaim. “That’s what mine was called!”

He fakes being positively shocked. “What are the chances?”

“Yeah, not like it’s a common name for a rabbit!” I laugh.

We wait for the traffic to slow and then cross the road.

As we walk, I look down and twist my ring. It’s a black band on the middle finger of my right hand.

“Oh, is that an ace ring?” Trevor asks suddenly.

I jolt. “You know about the ace spectrum?”

“Oh. Uh, yeah.” He nods. “I was in the LGBT society at uni.”

“You were?”

He nods. “I’m bi.”

“Oh,” I say as we reach the gates for the park. “I’m ace. Gray-ace, to be precise.”

“Gray-ace?”

“In between ace and allo—uh, straight,” I add. Because I always forget that the average straight person doesn’t know what ‘allo’ means.

“Okay,” he says. “Cool.”

“Cool?” I stare at him.

“Yeah,” he says. “I mean, look, I like you, Jana. And this is only a date, right? Not like we’re getting married or anything now.” He laughs. “Anyway, you can tell me more about what being...gray-ace...” He looks at me for confirmation, and I nod. “You can tell me more what it means for you, make sure I understand.”

A warm feeling fills me, and I smile, find myself stopping, leaning in closer to him. He stops too, and then we’re inches apart. My hands find their way to his waist, and I hold onto him. His hands go to my shoulders, his fingers lightly kneading my skin.

He smiles.

“Well, being ace is... I don’t know how to describe it,” I say, staring up into his eyes. He really has beautiful eyes. “I just... It’s just normal for me, and everyone sort of expects me to spout out this huge speech. But I never have a huge speech. It’s just me. And I just, I like sex. Let’s get the awkward part of the conversation out of the way, right?”

He laughs.

“So, yeah, I like sex—and being ace doesn’t mean we never have sex. Some do. Some don’t. Being ace is about whether you feel sexual attraction, not whether you actually do it. And yeah, I feel it. Sometimes. Often it’s low. But I don’t know.” I laugh.

“So, do you like kissing?” Trevor’s voice is low, teasing.

I smile as I look up at him. “Well, maybe we’d better find out.”

I stretch onto my tiptoes and—

My ringtone blares. Trevor and I spring apart. My heart pounds, and I pull out my phone, looking at the screen.

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