Page 53 of My Heart to Find

Cara

“IHAVE HAD SUCH A DAY, you won’t even believe it,” Jana tells me on the phone, the moment I answer, before I can even get a word in. Because I need to say how sorry I am to her, that I’ve taken Damien off her—because that’s what I’ve done, isn’t it?

And Jana soundsangry.

“Finally got sacked,” she huffs.

“Sacked?” My voice is a gasp.

“Right! And I feel awful, because now Phia’s there on her own. She had no idea when she went in for her shift that we’d not be there.”

“What about Lizzy?” I stare at my bed cover. It’s a floral design. Roses.

“She got the sack too!” Jana says. “It was crazy. But we’ve got this guy on our side. Marnie Wathem—you know, the missing girl?”

Of course I know of the missing girl. Well,woman. She’s nineteen.

“We bumped into her brother, and he says he can connect me with their other brother who does something to do with unfair dismissals. I mean, Mr. Richards literally sacked me because I wanted to put up the missing poster for Marnie.” Jana grunts. “Just ridiculous.”

I sigh. I feel bad for Trevor. He’s just doing what any brother would.

“So, what are you going to do now?” I ask Jana.

“Well, I’m watching the twins for the afternoon. Alicia’s on shift again and there’s like an hour or something before her boyfriend gets back, so I’m filling in there. And then I’m going to the cinema tonight,” Jana says. “Me and Damien.” She sounds happy, dreamy. “I can’t believe he wanted to meet up again so soon. We only had that date on the moors yesterday.”

It hits me like a punch to the stomach. I don’t know why, but I’d assumed after my conversation with Damien yesterday, where I told him everything and we said we liked each other, that it would mean we’d be getting together—or something. That was what it sounded like, right? That’s not me reading things into it... It can’t be.

He blew me a kiss.

But he’s still going to see Jana. He wants to see her? Keep seeing her? Or see us both? Unease fills me. Did he think I wouldn’t find out? Or that she wouldn’t? I grip the phone a little harder. Jana’s talking excitedly about her date tonight with him.

For some reason, I thought tonight Damien would be messaging me tonight. He can’t do that if he’s with her.

Maybe he’s not going to message me at all. I glance at the clock on the wall. He hasn’t messaged me all day.

He’s not going to.

He wants Jana.

Of coursehe does. He wants to be with someone who isn’t afraid of the slightest touch. Was he just too afraid to say it to my face? He didn’t want to upset me?

But of course he’d choose Jana over me.

Any person would.

Because I’ve got nothing going for me now.

I’m boring. I can barely work, some of the times I can barely walk, and realistically what would I offer someone? Why would someone want to be with me? Damian is better off with Jana, that’s clear. He doesn’t want to be walking round hospitals with me, waiting in overcrowded rooms with other patients ready to step into consultants’ offices, queueing up at pharmacies to collect medication that only make it worse, or listening to degrading appointments where the doctors insist it’s all in my head. What happens if Damian does accompany me to an appointment, one of the bad ones, where the doctors are patronizing and rude and tell me I am perfectly fine physically? Where they tell me about I want to be ill? Appointments I leave, shriveled up. What if Damian believes those doctors? What if he thinks it’s all in my head, that I’m just crazy.

I know there’s nothing wrong with it being in my head—I’m not against mental illness, but I’m against when it’s used by doctors as an excuse to be mean that they don’t know what is wrong and don’t know how to treat you. Mental illness can’t just be a diagnosis you also get when they don’t know what’s going on. That’s harmful to those who are physically unwell with conditions such as Lyme disease, and to who to have genuine mental illness too.

Maybe I really am better off on my own. Single. Alone. Because there’s no way I can try and date, not when I’m unwell. And even if I wasn’t—what are the chances I would find someone who’s ace or okay with me being ace? My mind goes to Rob and what he was like in the patio at the back of the club, and suddenly, I feel bad, dirty, contaminated. I blink and I see Rob in front of me.

I recoil.

“I hope you have fun on your date,” I say to Jana, and I hope she doesn’t hear the way my voice catches.

“Yeah, I can see why you liked him at the retreat,” Jana says. I can tell she’s smiling, happier than the start of this phone call. “He’s just so nice, isn’t he?”

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