Page 49 of My Heart to Find

He’s worried thathe’sthe one who’s going to sound crazy? I almost laugh, but I nod. “Go on.”

“So... Look, I still like you, Cara. And I... I assumed you didn’t after... I mean, you didn’t call me after the retreat anyway—but was that because of this? Jana mentioned this brain stuff happened three years ago. Is that why you didn’t call me?”

I take a deep breath. It would be so easy to blame it on that.

“I wish I called you,” I say. “But that’s not the reason—I didn’t get Lyme until a couple months later. “But I was scared—that’s why I didn’t call you.”

“Scared?” He looks confused. “Of me?”

“Of things being different between us back here—like, it was amazing in Mallorca. And I wanted that, but I was just sure it couldn’t be like that. I wanted to pick up the phone so many times, but I was scared, nervous. I just... I chickened out—then I lost the book with your number in.” I look down. “I’d never had a boyfriend before—I still haven’t. And I just... I’m scared.” I laugh, but it sounds forced, even to my ears. “I mean it’s probably for the best, otherwise you’d have a girlfriend now who couldn’t even touch you.”

Riley makes another whining sound.

“So, you do like me?” Damien sounds uncertain. “Because, look, I like you.”

I nod. “I like you, yeah.” Of course I do. “I didn’t stop.”

He doesn’t say anything, and suddenly I’m aware of just how awkward this is. I clear my throat.

“But you’re with Jana now,” I say.

“It’s been one date,” he says. His eyes seem to drink me up. “But it’s you I really like, Cara. It always has been you.”

He’s staring at me, waiting for me to say something. What can I say? Something that ruins Jana’s happiness? But if he doesn’t really like her, it’s not fair for her to be strung along.

“I’m not the same person now,” I say. “I was healthy then, fun. I’m not now. I’m boring, ill.”

“You’re not boring, Cara.”

“You don’t know me now,” I laugh. “I am boring.”

“You’re not.” He looks at me and it’s a deep look, one that climbs right inside me. “You’re still interested in true crime. You still love to draw. You’re still the same person. You’re still you.”

“But I’m different now,” I finally say.

“Then I want to know you,” he says. “Please? Look, if you still feel anything, like I do, I think we have to try.”

“But my OCD—”

“We can find a way around it. Or just not touch or anything.”

“Not touch?” I shake my head. “Damien, that’s not fair on you.”

He steps closer toward me. The light in his eyes changes a little. I see hope in them. His hope. “Cara, what we have is too special to give up on. Yeah, you’ve got OCD now, but we can work around it. I promise—it’s you I want to get to know. Please, can we try?”

I nod.

He brings his hand up to his mouth, pressing his palm against his lips. At first, I think he’s yawning, but then I realize what he’s actually doing: blowing me a kiss.

“There, for you,” he says.

I can’t help but smile.

“I’ve got to go now. Got a walk booked.” He looks around a little uncertainly. “But I’ll message you, okay?”

“Okay.” I am smiling, even after he’s gone, because I can almost ‘feel’ his kiss.

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