Page 46 of My Heart to Find

“The NHS blood test was clear for that.”

The NHS blood test isn’t reliable.

“It is very sad when this happens to a young girl, such as yourself—when a girl has tricked herself into believing she is very ill, so much so she even feels the pain she is reporting. Pain that is in the mind, but she feels it in...her kidneys.” He gives me what I think is supposed to be a sympathetic look, but it just gets under my skin. My blood feels too hot. “This happens to people when their minds are greatly unwell. They convince themselves they have a physical disorder, but they do not.”

“So why do antibiotics improve my OCD and physical symptoms if there’s nothing physical it’s treating?”Like Lyme disease.

“Placebo effect. Because, my dear girl, you are just so desperate to be unwell.”

“Desperate to be unwell?” I stare at him.

“She really does not want to be ill like this,” Mum says.

“I think she does not even know that subconsciously this is what she’s doing. But it’s a reaction to trauma. Tell me, Cara, have you had any bad relationships?”

“Bad relationships?” I stare at him. How on earth is this relevant?

“A recent breakup can lead to feelings such as this—she pretends to be unwell in order to get sympathy.” He gives my mum a knowing look.

“I’ve never had a relationship,” I say.

Dr. Fallon’s eyes light up. “Never?” He glances at Mum. Mum looks at him tight-lipped. She doesn’t mention the date with Damien last week, thank God. “Well, well, well.” Dr. Fallon chuckles in a sad, sad way. “This is exactly it. You are scared of sexual relations, and so you’re trying to make yourself as unappealing as possible to potential sexual and romantic partners so that you don’t have to face your fears.”

“I’m sorry—what?” I nearly explode. And wow—I didn’t even mention being ace. If I had, I can’t even imagine what Dr. Know-It-All would have to say about that, because of course he’d have an opinion on it. and probably a very offensive one. “I have Lyme disease—that is why I am unwell. I have a private doctor who’sprovenit. I can show you the lab tests.”

“You are so caught up in this illusion you’re wasting thousands of pounds, chasing a diagnosis that is not yours.”

A few choice words spring to mind, but I hold myself back from calling him them.

“So, what’s the treatment you’re suggesting then?” Mum asks. She looks at me and gives me a little nod. She’s humoring him.

“Ah, treatment, yes.” Dr. Fallon smiles. “So, I recommend that we hand over your case to the Community Mental Health Services so you can access weekly intensive therapy through them. I will also be prescribing you further medications—and make sure you take these ones.”

“What medications?” Mum asks.

“Similar to the last ones.”

So, antipsychotics then. The antipsychotics that Dr. Singh told me not to take because they’ll make the brain inflammation worse.

I count down the minutes until the appointment is over, until I can escape and vent my frustration in the car.

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