Page 32 of My Heart to Find

“Are you sure?” I frown. “Because I know you liked him—”

“That was three years ago, Jana. It’s fine, honest.”

*

RIVER CANNOT STOP LAUGHINGwhen I tell her that I’m going out with Damien because she also listened to Cara mope after him for months. The two of us are heading into town later that day, once I’ve done my shift at the café, to do the weekly shop at Waitrose. It’s the most expensive shop in town, but River says it’s much better quality and seeing how she pays for food for both of us—because I pay the water and internet bills—I let it slide.

“I bet she’s secretly crying now,” River says.

“Hey, don’t be mean,” I say. “And she won’t be.” Cara had said it was fine with her—and I believe her. Don’t I? I mean, it was three years ago. And she never actually called Damien. Just told me she didn’t want to, in the end.

“Of courseshe’s going to be crying now.” River laughs as she grabs a clementine, then brings it close to her face to inspect it for imperfections. “I mean, what else has she got to do? She doesn’t even work.”

“She’s ill, Riv,” I say, giving her a look.

“Is she, though?”

“She told us what her new doctor said.”

“Yeah, but that’s aprivatedoctor. Pay them enough, and they’ll say whatever you want.” She tosses the clementine into the trolley, apparently not caring that it’ll bruise or whatever thanks to that movement, even after inspecting it so carefully.

I give her a look. “That’s not how it works. You can’t fake blood test results, anyway. And you can see how ill she is now.”

River makes a noncommittal sound. “I’m just saying, that’s all. And, really, she does need to just pull herself together like her shrink said.”

As River rambles on and on, I think how it’s no wonder that Cara doesn’t come to our Tuesday Girls’ Nights anymore. Sometimes, I just want to grab River by the shoulders and shake her hard. I mean, I’ve tackled her about it before—but River’s just one of those people who doesn’t believe that any illness can be chronic. Half the time, I almost want her to get struck down by Lyme too—maybe then she’d have some sympathy for Cara. But then that’s me being a bad person, wishing Cara’s struggles on another.

“Oh, watch out.” River’s eyes focus on something—or someone—behind me. “Incoming.”

I turn and see—

Oh, God.

Max. My ex.

He’s a scruffy guy, always has been and always will be. At least now he’s not shoving his tongue down my cousin’s throat. Anastacia’s nowhere in sight. Thank God.

“Jana!” Max holds his arms out in a wide hugging motion.

“No.” I hold my hands up in the universal stop sign. “I mean it, Max.No.”

He glances at River, then steps closer to me. “Please, Jana. I just want to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“But we were good together!” His voice is close to a whine. “We were—you can’t deny it.”

“We were good together?” I snort. “You actually believe that? You lied to me, Max.”

River’s eyes widen—they always do when she’s witnessing drama. I try to ignore her.

“Lied?” Max frowns.

“Saying you were okay with me being ace.”

“You did say you weregray-ace.”

“Gray-ace is still part of the asexual spectrum.” I lower my voice. “And you know I’m closer to the ace end than not.”

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