Page 18 of My Heart to Find

“How’s Cara doing?” Lizzy asks. “She still not joining us?”

I shake my head. “I mean, she’s still the same. But socializing is... It’s difficult for her.” I think of what she was like at the club. I could sense her unease. It just radiated off of her. I was surprised she’d even gone to be honest, especially when she only comes to our Tuesday Girls’ Nights about once a month.

“Haven’t seen her in ages.” Phia shrugs.

It used to be us girls plus Cara and two others who now live in London, back in the day. We all went to school together.

Phia reaches for the nearest ice cream carton. Mint choc chip. She spoons some into her mouth, gets a smudge of it next to her lips on that oh-so-flawless skin of hers. Seriously, she has amazing skin. Out of our whole group, she’s easily the hottest. And all the boys back at school confirmed that. It was Phia who they all wanted to go out with. River only joined the club once her bra-size increased.

For the last few years of school, the boys were chasing Phia and River, and the rest of us rarely got a look-in. Apparently, I was too bossy and Cara was too shy. Lizzy’s parents were strict and never let her have a boyfriend, but then Lizzy was more into gaming at that time than boys. And our other two friends in our group, Georgia and Lily, were more into horses, so they didn’t seem too bothered then that Phia and River got all the attention.

But I wassojealous of Phia and River. For so long, I complained to my mum about how no boy ever seemed to want to go out with me. Especially after I’d listen to Phia telling me about the latest guy she’d kissed at whatever party she’d been invited to. It’s almost funny—I was desperate then for guys to notice me. I felt like I was missing out, like there was this whole secret club that I wasn’t part of. And I just wanted to be ‘normal,’ even if I wasn’t exactly sure what I would do if I had the attention of the guys—because I just didn’t understand the sexual attraction that River and Phia were always talking about. But I felt like I had to want it too, want attention from boys and pretend that I was also attracted sexually to them too. I didn’t really understand why I didn’t want what everyone else seemed to want.

It wasn’t until I was at uni that I realized I was on the ace spectrum. Cara had already come out to me a year or so ago about being ace, and when I told her I was probably gray-ace, the two of us had had our own secret ‘club.’

“How’s the studying going?” I ask Lizzy. She’s a year into her part-time history degree with the Open University. She’s got this vague idea that when she finishes it she might train to be a teacher, like her mother back in the States, but Lizzy’s always going back and forth on what she wants to do once she’s finished her studies.

Lizzy gives me a solemn nod. “It’s going... Just not very quickly. Anyway, did we catch anything on the wires today?”

“Let me get my laptop.” I disappear into my room for a few minutes, grabbing my laptop and a cord. Back in the living room, I hand it all to River. She’s the most technologically-gifted out of all of us.

We all eagerly wait as she loads up the audio.

“Okay, this is it,” River says, clicking the play button.

I hold my breath and wait.

The sound is muffled. I can’t pick out any words.

“We need to do better than this,” Lizzy mutters, crestfallen.

“It must be this kit, the quality of it,” River says.

“But we can’t afford anything better. And we’ve got to show the world what an unpleasant character this man is,” I say.

“Unpleasant character?” Phia laughs. “Now you sound like you’re analyzing Charles Dickens.”

And that just leads River into doing her best Miss Havisham impression, and, before long, we’re all laughing.

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