Page 77 of A Fighting Chance

Just like that, we’re off the topic.

She holds up a light pink peasant blouse that falls off the shoulders and I tell her she should get it. She keeps it with her, and we continue on like this for a little while. The silence between us stretches, aside from the cursory questions about clothing.

In the end, I buy three shirts, a necklace, and a pair of ballet flats before we move on to the next boutique. At this rate, I’ll need an additional suitcase just to fly back. Harper and I convince Nan to buy a pair of pants and Harper buys the shirt I approved, along with a purse and matching wallet. After we put the bags in the car, we head to the next shop.

“You know, I think you should definitely get a few new outfits,” I say to Harper.

“Why do you say that?” she asks.

“Well, now that you’re not with Chuck, you’re going to want to date. Maybe not too soon, but at some point. It’ll be nice to have clothes that don’t have memories attached to them, you know? I mean, at least not Chuck memories. I know you got a few things from selling the ring, but you need post-Chuck clothes,” I say.

She laughs and nods. “I think I agree. Although, I don’t see myself dating anytime soon.”

“Well, I think the sooner you move on, the better,” Nan declares.

We both shoot a look of surprise at her. She isn’t usually so forward.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that,” Nan says. “No offense, honey, but he was an asshole.”

I burst out laughing.

“Nan!” Harper says, trying to stifle her own laugh.

“I only put up with him because you loved him,” Nan says.

Harper blinks her eyes over and over again in complete shock. “Well, everyone do me a favor, okay? Next time you hate the guy I’m with, tell me. Maybe I shouldn’t be with him and I just can’t see it,” Harper says.

“Oh, baby,” Nan says. “Some things you just gotta learn on your own. Some aches you just gotta live out, so you know how to avoid the ache the next time. We couldn’t save you from that.” She pats Harper on the arm.

I smile, though Nan’s words of wisdom hit me hard. And I know they’ve hit Harper, with her eyes glossing over.

We step into the next shop, this one low lit and romantic. The music is instrumental, and everything is just a bit more sensual. Nan blushes toward the rack of lingerie. The clothing selection is more intimate, sexy.

“I don’t think they have pants here for me,” Nan says, laughing.

“Get some panties,” I suggest.

Nan jerks her head and glares at me. “You hush about my underthings.”

“Prude,” Harper says, and we all start laughing.

I make my way to a rack of nightgowns, rubbing the silk from one between my thumb and index finger. It’s black and has a slit in the side that travels pretty high. I want it. I think of Gentry looking at me in it. I want to feel him touch it. To touch me wearing it. I press my eyes closed and realize if I buy it, it’ll sit in my drawer in Boston—unworn, untouched.

“You should get it,” Harper says.

“Why?” I ask.

“For you,” she says.

“I don’t have anyone to wear it for.”

“Who says you need someone to wear it for? Wear it because you like it.”

I take the hanger off the rack and hold it up to my body, rubbing my hand down the front of it. As I continue around the store, I keep it in hand. I don’t know if I’ll buy it yet. I do this a lot, just carry something around that I want, unsure if I’m actually going to go through with buying it or not.

There are jewelry racks on the far wall and I make my way over to them. A pair of silver dangly earrings catch the light and shimmer. I pull them off and hold them up to my ear in the mirror on the counter. It’s a mistake. My face reminds me of what happened. It’s still worn. No amount of shopping can reverse the effects of sobbing myself to sleep.

For a little while, I let my mind indulge the idea of staying. As we go from shop to shop buying countless things for ourselves and others, I daydream. It’s only right. I figure if I’m going to make the choice, I have to live it out. I have to really explore the decision I didn’t make so I know I’m making the right one.

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