Page 65 of With This Lie

“You sure you want to do this?” Mark asks, looking at Lucas.

“I’ve never been scared of you, Elliott,” Lucas says. He rears back and punches Mark square in the jaw.

Mark staggers back and falls to his knees. He cups his jaw and gets back up. “That’s fucked up, Lucas. Why would you be defending the honor of a slut like Dani anyway? Did you know I was fucking her before you? I bet you didn’t.”

Lucas looks at me and I can feel tears begin to stream down my cheeks. That’s probably all the answer he needed. He nods toward me with assurance.

“I didn’t think she was a virgin when I met her, Elliott. I’m not an idiot.” Lucas crosses his arms and stares at Mark.

Mark looks at Lucas and then back at me. “Seriously Dani, I thought you only fucked married guys?” Mark says.

I stare at him, confused. “But Lucas is married,” I say, my voice shaky.

“Is that what he told you?” Mark starts laughing.

I look at Lucas, more confused than ever. “What is he talking about?” I ask.

Lucas drops his arms. His face goes soft. “Dani, I was going to tell you…”

“Tell me what?!” I raise my voice. Is this actually happening?

“He’s not fucking married. He never has been!” Mark yells.

Everything in my face drops. I don’t even know what to say.

“Shut up, Elliott!” Lucas shoots his brother a look and then comes back to me again. “Listen, I can explain, but not here, not like this. I need more time than this,” Lucas says.

“This is all we have, Lucas,” I say. “What are we supposed to do? Just go back to the party like none of this is fucking happening?” I rub my temples. My god, this can’t be happening. What the hell am I supposed to do? All those people.

Lucas looks at me again. “Dani, I…”

“No, Lucas. I can’t do this. This is insanity. Tell everyone I went home sick or something, I don’t fucking care. Tell them to eat the cake or whatever. I just can’t be here right now.” I push my shoulders back and step around Mark. I walk past Lucas to the door and pause before I open it. I take two deep breaths and exhale. I pull the door open and walk straight for the exit as fast as I can. I hear Quinn behind me calling my name but I don’t look back. She’ll understand later when I explain. I grab my purse from the front and make it out to the sidewalk without anyone trying to stop me.

That’s when I feel it rising up inside me. The slow rumble that starts in the pit of your stomach. The chill deep inside your bones fueled by adrenaline and anxiety. I could be wearing five sweaters and I’d still be shivering. I call it the death shiver. Nothing I could do would stop it. It was made of fear and anger and pain. It had to go away on its own. Until then, I was a leaf in the wind.

I lean against a lamp post and steady myself. Part of me thinks I might puke. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths.

After a few minutes, I stand back up and compose myself enough to walk. I dig into my purse for my headphones and put them in. I need music today like I’ve needed it my entire life. If anything, this reaffirms my reason for needing it. Tragedy. Fucked up tragedy strikes, and I turn to it. I need something angry, something angsty. I need to go back to hating the world and everything about it. That’s what tonight did. Reminded me what I was and why I was.

I stop at the corner to wait for the light to change before crossing and look back toward the restaurant. Lucas didn’t follow me. He didn’t call me or text me and he didn’t run after me. Part of me thought he might run after me. I should be used to that kind of disappointment by now. Fuck him. I shouldn’t even care like this. Everyone has another side. Everyone has true colors. Tonight, I learned his.

The light flashes to the walker and I pick up my pace. I will put this night behind me. I will put this whole mess behind me. I will put Lucas behind me the way I always knew I would have to one day. Today just happens to be that day. I got the best gift I could. A life lesson. Happy birthday to me.

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