Page 52 of With This Lie

Lucas

I feellike a complete ass for lying to Dani. I mean the big lie was one thing but now the smaller lie of avoiding seeing her because I think I’m having an existential crisis. Her mother’s words to me are all I can think about. Make no mistake about it, Dani is smart and she came from smart stock. Maybe she’s right. What is the end of this? Come clean with Dani and expose myself as possibly the biggest fraud she’s ever known or leave her? Either way I lose her. The question is, which does less damage in the long run? What makes it easier for Dani to move on?

I can only avoid her for so long. Her birthday is soon and preparations for it are well underway. Things are in motion. I have to make it good, really good. Charlotte was definitely right about one thing. Dani does deserve a great birthday for once in her life. I can give her that. If for no other reason than I have to bail anyway, I will do that for her. Hopefully, in some small way, she can remember that instead of what will follow.

I lied to Dani about working today in order to stay at home and plan. Plus, I’m not quite sure I can face her just yet. I’m still on the fence about seeing her later. I worry how my being suddenly less available is looking to her and making her feel but I can’t help it. I don’t exactly want the next time I saw her to be her birthday party either so I know I have to see her soon.

I make a series of calls to the venue about food and drinks and reserving their entire back room for plenty of space and more privacy than just being in the general population. For an additional fee, they also take care of some light decorating. What is a birthday party without balloons and confetti after all? Given the importance of the event, I chose rose gold. I figured I couldn’t go wrong with such a fancy color. I know if Dani had it her way, everything would be black, but I just couldn’t let that happen this time.

She gave me a small list of people she invited including some present and former coworkers and a neighbor named Robert. When I called him to confirm, he sounded old which threw me off guard but it’s her party and her list so he’s going to be there. She asked me to ask everyone not to bring her birthday presents but I completely ignored that request and everyone I spoke to agreed as well. I’m not sure how I’d feel about a birthday party with no gifts. I don’t think I would be doing her justice. Amidst my planning, my phone buzzes.

Dani: How’s work?

Me: Not bad, just trucking along.

Dani: Is it going to be a long day?

Me: Probably not too bad actually.

I knew she was poking to see if I would be coming over later. I’m just not sure what to say yet.

Dani: Well that’s good. Any plans later?

There it is. I stare at my phone for a few seconds and think about it.

Me: No, I can come over later if you want.

Dani: That sounds good.

Me: Okay. I’ll let you know when I’m on my way.

Dani: Great.

I turn my thoughts back to planning and check my list. I’m fairly certain I’m not forgetting anything. I ordered a cake from the bakery just two shops down from the venue so I’d just have to pick it up and deliver it beforehand. There’s really nothing else left to do.

I have a few hours to kill before I go over to Dani’s and I have no idea what to do with them. Other than to agonize over what my gift to her would be. I haven’t figured it out yet and it’s been driving me crazy. I thought for sure I would be able to come up with an idea pretty easily but everything that has popped into my mind didn’t feel good enough. Given her interest in music, I considered concert tickets but backed out of the idea after speaking to her mom. I couldn’t exactly only get her one ticket and if I got tickets for both of us, I would have to go with her and who knows when that would be? Maybe it would be too much at that point. Too much time, too much invested. I have to keep thinking but I’m running out of time.

I shift my focus again on going to see Dani. I check the time and decide to mix it up tonight. Instead of driving over there, it might be nice to clear my head on a walk. After all, she isn’t even really that far if I cut through the park like before. I pack a backpack with what I need and put on more suitable walking attire. Maybe a brisk walk in the evening air would help me. I text her to let her know I’m on my way and she tells me she’s ordering in food which is perfect because I’m getting hungry.

I lock my door and head out, making the familiar turns. I see the park ahead and have a strange thought. I have to get there before I can do anything about it. I walk into the park and find a bench toward the center. The park is long and trails go all over it. I hope this will work or it won’t be nearly as romantic. I take out my phone and send Dani my location.

Me: Put on your walking shoes and come find me.

Dani: Really? Haha, okay see you soon.

I sit on the bench scrolling through Dani’s playlist she’d given me weeks ago and listen to my favorite picks over again. Maybe I can sit here with her for a while and listen to this song we kissed to. Maybe I can look her in the eyes and tell her what I’ve done, the lie I’ve told. Maybe. I’ve never managed to do it before but Dani’s different and she’ll surely walk away from me once she hears it but for some reason the truth is the only thing I’ve wanted to tell her since I met her.

I look around the park. The crowds have thinned and only a few remain. A couple is sitting a way’s down the path to the left of me on another bench. If I had to guess, I’d bet it was early. Only a few dates in. They are flirtatious but still nervous. The way so many of us are when we’re wondering what this is and if it will stick and where it’s going. We don’t want to say the wrong thing and we don’t want to misstep. We’re full of hope or fear all at once. Especially when we really like the other person. New feelings can be paralyzing and freeing all at once.

“Hey you.”

Dani’s voice interrupts my thoughts and I shake them from my mind, turning my attention to her. I look up and smile. She approaches me and leans over to kiss me. I pull her in for a split second and have her sit next to me.

“I’m just doing some people watching. What do you think of them?” I ask her, pointing to the couple I had been examining. I watch her bite her bottom lip a little and tilt her head to the right. Her deep thought face is adorable. Everything about her is adorable.

“Well, I’d say it’s early but not too early. Not first date but not twentieth either,” she says, sitting back against my arm. She looks up at my face, waiting for my opinion.

“That was my assessment as well,” I say, smiling.

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