Page 42 of With This Lie

Lucas

I’ve been seeingDani for a few weeks now and her birthday is quickly approaching. I’ve been hunting for the perfect birthday gift, but I can’t seem to find it. I have this feeling that when I see it, I will just know, but I haven’t seen it yet. I’m determined to figure it out today. I’ve been walking from shop to shop, touching fabrics, looking at jewelry, smelling perfumes. Nothing’s right.

Over the past few weeks, it became obvious to me I was falling for her. Hard. We spent a lot of time together, especially considering my brother had managed to cancel on me three more times and we still hadn’t met up. Each time he canceled, I found myself at Dani’s doorstep, wanting more of her, craving more of her. Sometimes I think I could make her happy. Like happy, happy. Sometimes I think I could tell her the truth and she wouldn’t run, she wouldn’t end it with me. Sometimes I think she could even be happy and excited. Sometimes I think she could love me. But then I remember who she is, I remember what she is made of, and I know in my heart she will run.

This is the entire fucking reason I have the life I do, the entire reason I wear this meaningless ring and go on like I do. To keep myself from this. I’m right back to where I never wanted to be. I’ll probably get hurt soon. I shake the thoughts from my head. I go into the next shop and start the process over again when I get a text.

Dani: Hey you.

Me: Hello beautiful.

Dani: I have a question.

Me: Shoot.

Dani: I totally understand if this is too much, but would you want to come with me tomorrow to see my mother? She’s the most important person to me. I just thought it would be nice. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe it doesn’t make any sense for you to come with me. I get it if it doesn’t. She knows the situation. I tell her everything in my letters to her.

I’m taken aback for a moment, shocked at the question but not in a bad way. These are the kinds of moments that lead me to believe she could really want me beyond what she says.

Me: I would be honored to go with you.

Dani: Really? She says she wants to meet you. To talk about my birthday party. Haha.

Me: I’ll be ready to talk about it then.

Dani: Coming over tonight?

Me: You bet. I can just stay and go with you tomorrow if that’s okay?

Dani: You’re the one with the schedule. If you’re good, I’m always good.

Me: I’m good.

Pretending my wife is a nurse with a demanding schedule makes it easy enough to have as much free time as I want, really. But it doesn’t stop Dani from reminding me of my other commitments occasionally. Perhaps she was reminding herself too. She was never mean about it. They were just gentle reminders of the rest of my life. The rest of my pathetic pretend life. My fake, fraudulent life. God.

Now I have two things to worry about. Dani’s birthday present and meeting her mother tomorrow. I’m still pretty shaken she asked me. But if I’m being honest with myself, her mysterious mother is someone I’m very interested in meeting. It’s just an intriguing story all the way around. At the very least, I could be a little less curious about her.

After another four stores I call it quits on the present search and head back to my apartment to collect my things for tonight’s sleepover. I feel my phone go off again.

Elliott: Sorry I keep bailing. This side project is taking up all my time.

I roll my eyes. Of course. Maybe though…

Me: That’s okay, man. This girl I’m seeing, her birthday is coming up next weekend. How about you make an appearance?

I’m surprised to see him apologizing for his lack of availability. That’s real growth for him to be honest.

Elliott: Sounds good. Send me the info later.

Me: Will do.

I put my phone away and grab my stuff and throw it in a bag. I stop at the living room couch for a moment and see the vinyl in my living room. A light bulb goes off for me and I know what I have to do. I know the only thing I can do. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before but it’s perfect in a way nothing else could ever be. I grab my keys and make my way out the door.

Life has a funny way of showing you exactly what you need to see but not a moment before you need to see it. My theory was always that you saw it, but you didn’t receive it as you needed to until you were meant to. This is how we learn lessons, or pass on lessons, or even accept something about ourselves we wouldn’t before. I use this knowledge to try to be more receptive to my surroundings and events.

I pull up to Dani’s apartment and step out onto the sidewalk, feeling a little uneasy. I don’t know why exactly. Maybe I’m nervous. But I feel uncomfortable about something. I look around, up and down the streets and across the road but nothing feels out of place really. Not in an obvious way. I shake it off, certain it’s just my mind playing tricks on me.

I get to Dani’s door and knock but there’s no answer. I knock again and wait. When she doesn’t answer the second time, I call her phone and she picks up after a few rings.

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