Page 27 of With This Lie

Lucas

With Elliottand Dani both tied up today, I decide to spend my evening reminiscing. It’s not the greatest idea I’ve ever had. After cleaning up the apartment and doing some laundry, I settle down in front of the trunk in the corner of my living room. I don’t know what made me decide to do this, or why. I just felt the need to dive into some old things. Maybe it was the thought of seeing my brother after so long. Maybe it was because of Dani, though I couldn’t say why.

I push the trunk open and take a look inside. Amid photo albums and documents are a few children’s toys and trophies from my teenage years. I search to find what I’m looking for. I pull two albums from the stack and sit back on the floor. I wipe the dust from the top of the first one. On the front is a picture of me and my mother. She made this for me after she got sick. Every now and then I flip through it and remember our time together. I open to the middle and see a photo of me in front of a birthday cake with her beside me. I turn the page and we are standing beside a snowman in our backyard. I miss her. In many ways, she was the only family I really had. Regardless of what Elliott has done, he’s the only family I have left and that’s why I have to make it right.

I close the photo album of my mother and set it aside. I haven’t held this other one in a really long time. The white satin front had yellowed and turned grungy over the years. I open it up and there she is. In the photo, I’m wearing a suit and she’s wearing the long red dress I loved her in. Samantha and I were engaged and happy. Or so I thought. I stare at the picture, trying to detect any sign of how she truly felt in that moment. I can’t see anything.

She wears her smile. Her arms are wrapped around me, head thrown back mid-laugh.

These were our engagement photos. She insisted on a professional session to mark the occasion. I didn’t get it but agreed to make her happy.

I turn to the next photo.

The sun is setting in the skyline behind us, and our bodies are not much more than silhouettes. We are forehead to forehead, holding hands.

I remember each of these moments in my mind. I don’t understand what I missed.

I flip to the back of the album and there’s an envelope. I pick up the envelope and I can feel her engagement ring inside. The envelope is sealed, same as the day I got it. She wrote my name on the front. I’ve always assumed there was a letter inside, but I could never bring myself to open it.

I broke it off. That sounds less like the truth than I mean it. What really happened is far more tragic, far more complicated. But I remember it like it was yesterday.

I came home early from work with flowers in hand. Samantha and I had gotten into a fight the night before and I wanted to apologize. I opened the front door and heard music upstairs. I sat my keys down in the kitchen and noticed a blazer neatly folded over the back of a chair. Slightly confused, I made my way upstairs and down the hall to our bedroom. I heard her scream out in laughter. My heart began to race. I reached the door and turned the knob slowly. I could hear another familiar voice on the other side. I remember gulping and trying to still myself.

When I opened the door, it took a few moments before they noticed me. Samantha was naked on top of a man, her back to me. I saw his legs, his arms wrapped up around her. She turned toward me, gasping. She read the shock on my face but said nothing. Just then, the man revealed his face to me, leaning over to look around her.

Elliott. Samantha and Elliott. My fiancé and my fucking brother. Fucking in my bed. In my shock, I didn’t feel anger. I didn’t feel anything really. I shut the door as I heard both of them yelling my name. My head in a fog, I walked down the stairs and out the door and got back into my car and drove away.

I never went back to that house. I had movers go get my stuff. I didn’t return any calls or messages from either of them. She’d given this envelope to the movers and asked them to deliver it with my belongings. She didn’t even have the guts to deliver it herself or talk to me in person. Sometimes I get curious enough to want to open it. Other times, I’m so angry I refuse to read it. I refuse to give her a voice in my head. I didn’t want to read the excuses or reasons. I may never open it. Most days, I’m okay with that.

I flip the envelope over in my hands three times before wedging it back into the back of the album and shutting it. That was almost a decade ago and I needed all of that time to even muster the energy and strength to try to have Elliott in my life again. But as my only family, I had to bury the hatchet. I had to make it right. I promised my mother I would.

I put both albums back into the trunk and shut it. I rub my forehead with the palm of my hand and shut my eyes for a moment. Some days I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do. I check the clock and decide to try Dani again.

Me: Hey you.

I wait for a response, but it doesn’t come immediately so I put my phone back down and take a shower. Maybe she will respond by the time I get out. She was a little MIA today, and she didn’t add why and so I didn’t ask. I was just hoping she didn’t regret what happened between us.

I grab a towel and head for the bathroom when I hear my phone buzz. I decide to have my shower first before answering. I don’t even walk back to check who it is. I know if it’s Dani, I’ll get too distracted. She causes me issues in the concentration department.

I start the water for my shower and climb in. I let my mind go for a second, closing my eyes and letting the water run over me. I try to rewind a bit. I think about the ring I keep on my finger. What if I didn’t wear it? What if I met Dani without it? What if I could have taken her out on a normal date like a normal guy? I think about her looking at me, wanting to kiss me as a single man. Wanting to kiss me because she wanted me, not married me. I think about what would happen if I told her the truth now. I think about losing her. For the first time in a long time, I don’t think I want that. Not yet.

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