Page 18 of With This Lie

The next song comes on. It’s completely different from the first. A woman’s sultry voice is in my ears. It’s raspy and beautiful and she sounds like she could run the world if she wanted. The beat is infectious. I look at the screen to see “You Should See Me in a Crown” by Billie Eillish. I’ve heard of Cash but never this woman. I like her a lot. I could listen to more of her. The next song comes on. It’s folksy, slow, and haunting. Gregory Alan Isokov singing “If I Go, I’m Goin’”. It’s actually really lovely.

I listen to each song exactly as she’s ordered them in her list. I think about how she sat and did this for me. Such a simple but meaningful gesture. I think about what must have made her pick these songs. Why these songs? Before I realize, it’s ten songs later and I’m smiling and she’s tapping me on the shoulder. I whirl around and she’s smiling too. Wow.

“So, what do you think?” she asks.

“Wow,” is all I can manage.

“Does that mean you found something you like?” she asks, her face brightening at the possibility.

“Yeah, a few actually. Most of them, if I’m being honest,” I tell her.

She hops up and down on her toes and she’s pleased with herself. “Ready to go?”

“Where are we going?” I ask.

“Not far, if it’s okay with you.”

I don’t understand what she means but I follow her as she steps out onto the sidewalk in front of the bar and turns right. She walks quietly until she stops in front of a red door not far from the bar and I look around in confusion.

“Um, this is my place. I know we can’t go to yours and I thought maybe we could take a walk or something but honestly, I’ve been on my feet all night and I’d like to just be able to sit comfortably and talk. If that’s okay with you?” she says.

I get the impression she doesn’t usually open her own place up to people. She seems hesitant and even a little vulnerable. I have so many questions for her.

“I think that would be really great,” I say, tucking my hands into my front pockets.

She smiles and takes her keys out.

Do not have sex with her. Do not have sex with her. Not yet. Don’t do it. I will try really hard to be good, to be gentlemanly. I will try really hard to be more than I am.

---