Page 37 of With This Lie

“Because it’s easier that way. Easier than this conversation.”

“What’s going on?”

“She’s in prison. And she’s never getting out,” I say. Another thing I’ve never said out loud to someone else.

“Wow,” he says. A look of shock rolls over him and I can tell he doesn’t know what to say or what to ask.

“She saved my life, though, Lucas. I need you to know that. She’s there because of me. She’s there because she protected me,” I say.

“What happened, Dani? You can tell me,” he urges, rubbing my shoulder.

“She was a prostitute, okay? She was a prostitute and a bad man came to our house when she wasn’t home.” I swallow hard. The next part hurts. “He touched me. He took my shirt off and he was touching me, and I was only eleven.” I say. I feel Lucas’s hand grip my shoulder harder. I can see his jaw clenching.

“I’m sorry, Dani,” he says.

“My mother came home and saw what he was doing. She made me hide in my closet. She killed him. And she was just a prostitute and he was more important to this world. No one cared it was to protect me. No one cared she was just doing what any mother would. They sent her away,” I say. I’ve never told anyone any of this. I swallow again, waiting for him to speak, expecting cruelty.

“That’s awful, Dani. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m so sorry she can’t be here with you,” he says softly.

He keeps rubbing my shoulder and I can feel tears well up in my eyes. I stand up from the bed and put my other robe around me. I can’t do this here. I walk over to my closet and open the door. “Can you come here?” I ask him. I feel stupid but I can’t stop myself.

He gets up from the bed and follows me to my closet. I sit down on the floor and gesture for him to sit beside me. He sits down and pushes himself back into the closet next to me. I don’t say anything just yet. I let the tears fall.

“What are we doing in here, Dani?” he asks, stroking my hair.

And so, I explain it to him. I tell him about my castle as a kid. I tell him about how my mother put me in there, how it was to protect me. I tell him how despite being a hooker, she was the best mom. I tell him I haven’t cried outside of a closet since I was a kid and that I still sit on the floor of one when I need to feel safe. He looks at me and presses his lips together. I don’t feel judgment like I expect.

“That’s okay, you know. I’m sure she was a really great mom. And it sounds like she’d do it all over again to protect you again. It’s okay, Dani. Really. Thank you for telling me,” he says.

I lay my head on his shoulder and sniffle a few more times. He sits there with me and lets me get it out. “I’ve never told anyone that before,” I admit.

“None of it?” he asks.

I shake my head.

“Well, thank you for trusting me with it. I’ll keep your secret safe,” he says.

“That’s why I have to have a party. She asked me to. She wants to see pictures. She’s tired of me not celebrating it.”

“You haven’t celebrated your birthday? Ever?” he asks, shock in his voice.

“No,” I say.

He shifts a little and leans up. “Okay, then you need an awesome party. Like a big one,” he says, smiling at me.

Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe with him there, I could enjoy it. “Okay,” I say. “I’ll have a party.”

“Yes!” he shouts.

I laugh and wipe the tears from my eyes. “Do you need me to help you plan it?”

“That would be good, actually,” he says.

I mentally settle into the fact that in a few short weeks I will be having a full-blown birthday bash with people and drinking and music and maybe even some gifts.

“Oh my god, wait,” he says, the shock returning. “Does that mean you’ve never gotten a birthday present?”

“Not since I was eleven,” I say. I didn’t really think it was a big deal but the look on his face says otherwise.

---