Page 43 of For Now

“Do you? I’m starting to wonder. You always seem so surprised but you shouldn’t be. You really shouldn’t be. You will belong to me until the day you die. No one can take you away. Even if I’m not around. You need to know that,” hesaid.

I didn’t understand all of this “even if I’m not here” business and didn’t want to. “I do know that,” I whispered. Sometimes it was better to just nod along than try to argue, resist, or ask questions. Sometimes it made him leave me alone if I simplycomplied.

“Good. Then we have an understanding,” he said, walking away to hisoffice.

I ran upstairs to our bathroom and locked the door. I sobbed on the floor. He’d gone mad. Absolutely mad. That was the first moment I was actually scared in a way where I feared for my life, for what he might do if I tried to leave. I sat there on the floor crying for a few minutes and collected myself together. I unlocked the door and went to open it when it suddenly shoved back against my hand. I stepped back out of the way, eyeswild.

The next thing I knew, I was bent over the sink, Jeff behind me. He had a fist full of hair holding methere.

“See, I didn’t really think you understood downstairs so I wanted to be clear,” he said in myear.

“Jeff, please, I understand. I do,” I pleaded but it was too late. I heard the dangling of his belt, the unzipping of his pants behind me. He laid my head down flat against thecounter.

“Do not move,” he said. I froze, petrified of what would happen if I did. I felt him reach around and unbutton my pants. He ripped them down in one motion. He ripped my panties down the side and they fell to the floor. I heard him spit into his hand and felt him slide it from the front of me to the back. It was quick and violent. There was no lovethere.

“If you make a noise, we start over,” he said. I cried silently. I didn’t make a sound. It hurt. Not just physically but in a way where you fear you may never trust anyone ever again. In a way where you worry that everything you think you know was wrong. In a way that made you feel so lonely, you would never recover. It hurt in a way that left scars on the inside of me and I might never feel pretty or wholeagain.

That was the last time Jeff raped me. When I found his note the next day, I cried. Then I got angry for crying. I should have been relieved that he was gone but that didn’t come until after the initial wave of sadness. I wasn’t sad that he was gone, necessarily, just that any of this had happened to begin with. Sad that our marriage had unraveled in this terrible, violent way. Sad because the ache left in its wake may never subside. The sadness turned to anger. I was angry at myself for feeling any kind of sadness. I was angry at him. I was angry that I had been robbed of so many things in so many ways. Things I might never getback.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

It’s strange,the memories that will suddenly flash before you when you’re faced with this sort of terror. If I suspected it before, this definitely confirmed it. Someone had been watching me. Given the history, it wasn’t unreasonable to suspect it was Jeff. He could be fucking with me. He could be here to get back at me for the other day withSamuel.

I peered out into the front yard between my blinds. There didn’t seem to be much happening on the street. I didn’t notice any unfamiliar cars. I walked over to the front door and double checked to make sure it was locked. I ran to the back door in the sunroom to make sure that was locked, too.Wow, that’s a lot of easily breakable glass. I looked all around my backyard through to the tree line but saw nothing. Most of the trees were bare at this point so it wasn’t hard to look through the first few ofthem.

I checked every window in every room before circling back to the kitchen for a knife. I sat it next to my phone on the coffee table and checked the front door again. I sat on the couch and tried to relax my body just a little. I sank deep into the cushions and laid my head back to find myself aimlessly staring up at the ceiling.Should I call the police? But what did I really have? A text message from an unknown number wasn’t going to give them anything to go on. What would they really do? Have a cop car babysit my house maybe? Doubtful. Should I text Samuel? What would I say?I grabbed myphone.

Me:Samuel?

Me: Youawake?

Nothing. He’d probably fallen asleep earlier given the events of the day. It was getting pretty dark out by now and despite my nap and the rush of adrenaline I’d gotten after the text, I was feeling pretty tired myself. I really needed to stay awake though.Coffee!I walked into the kitchen, grabbed the coffee from the cabinet, and started making some. This entire scenario was leaving me too alone with my own thoughts.Why would someone be watching me? If it was Jeff, what was the point? Maybe he was too scared to show his face because of what Samuel said to him. And if he was scared of Samuel, why would he be risking it? Maybe he’s been waiting until he knew I was alone?I shook the thoughts from my head. This was going to make meinsane.

That last thought made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I could feel a wave of chills run over me.If he was waiting until I was alone, that could only mean one thing. I sat at the kitchen table and sipped my coffee, gripping another knife with my free hand. I sat here trying not to think anymore. I sat here asking myself over and over again if I was capable of stabbing someone even if I needed to. I really hoped I didn’t have to find out.Calm down, Delilah. Nothing has evenhappened.

After sitting here tapping my fingers for a few more minutes and finishing my coffee, I started pacing in the living room. It was hard to be still when you were this worked up.Ding.

Text: I hardly think a knife isnecessary.

Me: Who is this? Seriously, my boyfriend should be here anyminute.

Text: I doubtthat.

Me: How would youknow?

Text: Because he’s still athome.

They’ve been watching Samuel, too? What the fuck was happening? This is like one of those thriller slasher movies where someone pops out of the closetnow.

My eyes frantically searched the room, down the hall, out the back windows looking for answers. There was just nothing. I saw nothing. I heard nothing, not even dogs barking, birds, or wind in the trees. It was eerily silent. I sat back down on the couch feeling defeated. I stared up at the ceiling again, taking deep breaths to calm myself. I felt my grip on the knife relax. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. I felt a strange calm wash over me. Something happens after a rush of adrenaline. Your body calms, your mind calms, and I didn’t know if maybe it was some sort of self-preservation mode but it was impossible to fight. I flashed back to a memory of when I was about eight. I could hear someone trying to break into our house. They were pushing and pulling on the door. I pulled my blanket up over my head, frozen in fear. I couldn’t manage to work up the courage to run down the hallway to my parents’ room. All I remember is waking up some time later. I had fallen asleep in the midst of this panicked moment. I never understood why or how I could do that at such a time. But here I was again, falling asleep in the midst of this strange and frightening situation. I couldn’t even fightit.

* * *

Idreamt of a little girl,sitting on my porch stoop, crying. I just watched her from my doorway. I didn’t try to reach out for her or ask her what was wrong. I just kept watching her. She didn’t look injured and I didn’t see anything wrong. I don’t know why I didn’t reach out to her. She looked back at me with blackeyes.

“Delilah.” The little girl’s mouth didn’t line up with thesounds.

I tilted my head ather.

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