Page 25 of For Now

“I’d be lying if I said no. But I also don’t think it’s a great idea for us to spend this much time together. You were here all night. We shouldn’t have let that happen. I shouldn’t have let that happen,” I said. I’m sure the way I changed my mind back and forth was giving him whiplash. Hell, it was confusing the hell out of me these days so I know it had to be confusing for him. This was truly awful. I was trulyawful.

“I don’t understand. I asked you last night if you wanted me to go and you said no,” hesaid.

“Well, I didn’t,” I said.Oh my god, why do I make nosense?

“So you lied when you said that?” heasked.

“No, I wanted you to stay. I just shouldn’t have wanted you to stay. I’m very comfortable with you and I don’t like that,” Isaid.

“So do you want me to leave?” He was looking right into myeyes.

“I think you probably should,” Isaid.

“That’s not what I asked, Delilah. Do you WANT me to leave? Is that what your heart is telling you?” he asked with a sad urgency in hisvoice.

There he was, sitting on my couch right next to me. He just wanted to like me. And I couldn’t let him do that. I couldn’t let himin.

“I don’t listen to my heart anymore, Samuel. It has betrayed me before and it will betray meagain.”

“No, Delilah, your heart didn’t betray you. A man did. There’s a difference,” he said. Silence fell over us for a moment before hecontinued.

“I like you, Delilah. I’ve liked you since I knocked you down in the café and stood there looking into your big blue eyes thinking to myself that I wanted to know more about this woman sprawled out on the floor, collecting her belongings, collecting herself. You can see it, you know? The pain. You try to hide it but the truth is I knew you were hurt before you ever told me where your wounds were. But I’m not here to save you from it, Delilah. No man can. I’m here to remind you that wounds heal with time and the scars mean you survived it. You can’t let your past rob you of a future. I think you know that. And I think you like me,too.”

Just then he reached over and gently pulled my chin up to look at him. I was helpless, fighting back tears. He looked at me for what seemed like a long time. Just sat there, studying my face, searching for something. I didn’t know what he was looking for or if he found it but he leaned in and kissed me. His mouth pressed against mine, no fear or hesitation in his lips. I closed my eyes and kissed him back. I let go for just a moment and sunk into it. I let him take me somewhere, his hands on either side of my face, kissing me deeper and deeper until I felt it in the back of myknees.

And then I told him to leave. He didn’t put up a fight. He left quietly without saying a word. I walked straight back to the bathroom, turned on the shower, and stepped in. I sat in the bottom of the tub and sobbed into the fallingwater.

Chapter Sixteen

Samuel didn’t come backthat day. He didn’t come back the next day either. He didn’t come back the next week or the week after that. Not that I had been keeping count but it had been exactly twenty-two days and he hadn’t come back. It was getting colder outside and the leaves were falling. I wrote. I went grocery shopping. I had dinners regularly with Emma and David. I helped Emma at her studio. I went to the gym. And Islept.

And he didn’t comeback.

Not that I blamed him. I mean, the man kissed me and I kicked him out; why would he come back? I wasn’t exactlyinviting.

I went on with life. It was better this way. I didn’t need those kinds of distractions. Not now, maybe not ever. I only received one mystery text after he left myhouse.

You’re making amistake.

What did they know? It’s not like they knew me. It’s not like they knew what I needed or what I wanted. For Christ’s sake, I didn’t even know who they were! It could be some elaborate joke and I definitely didn’t have time forthat.

But enough of that. I was scheduled to meet Emma in a half hour for drinks so I needed to get moving. And at that point, I needed adrink.

* * *

Emma arrived for our little girls’night ten minutes early and to no one’s surprise, I wasn’t dressed yet and had also cracked open some wine. She found me sipping it from a coffee mug seated on the edge of mybed.

“Where are your pants?” sheasked.

“I felt better without them,” Isaid.

“Does this mean we aren’t going?” she asked, her voice growingangry.

“Oh, we are definitely going. I need to go. Could you maybe choose some pants for me?” I asked, clearly establishing myself as the mess of a friend in thisduo.

“Here.” She rolled hereyes.

She chose well though. Snug, skinny jeans that were both cute and comfortable. I hopped up and pulled them on. “Do you think I made a mistake making Samuel leave?” Iasked.

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