Page 6 of For Now

I was only twenty-seven weeks pregnant and woke up in the middle of the night with excruciating pain in my lower abdomen and between my legs. We’d found out about four weeks prior that we were having a little girl. I bought everything pink, and Jeff painted the nursery tomatch.

The nurse wheeled me out of the elevator and straight into an exam room. She didn’t even stop at the nurses’ station on the floor. Someone had clearly called ahead because I was greeted by four additional medical staff members of some sort. They made Jeff wait outside and a nurse pulled him away by the arm. Two men pulled me out of the wheelchair and put me up on the table. A nurse was helping me out of my clothes while another was helping me into an exam gown. I heard metal stirrups clank open and a doctor helped me get my heels into them. It hurt to move and I let out whimpers the entiretime.

“I’ll need to check you,” the doctor saidhastily.

The next thing I knew, two fingers full of cold gel were sliding into me. It only amplified the pain and I screamed out inagony.

“She’s completely dilated.” I heard him say. “Get the monitor strapped to hernow.”

A nurse started running bands around my belly, and they clamped something to my finger. Suddenly the screen to the monitor next to me flickered on and there were two sets of stats on it. One heartbeat line was erratic and high. The other line was completely flat. I focused on thatscreen.

“Delilah, we can’t find a heartbeat for the baby,” he said, “we’re going to have you push. We’ve gotta get the baby out so we can helpher.”

I nodded and complied with each request they gave me to push. I was dizzy and in shock. The pain was nothing compared to thefear.

I pushed for what seemed like only a few moments and when she came out, there was no crying. I lay back and stared at the ceiling, waiting. Nothing. I looked down at the doctor holding her. He was pushing two fingers against her little chest. They stopped and pumped air into her mouth. Nothing. They tried again.Nothing.

“What’s wrong?!” I screamed. “Why isn’t shebreathing?!”

“Delilah.” The doctor looked up at me. “She’s gone. There’s nothing more we can do for her. I’m sosorry.”

I watched the doctor hand her little lifeless body to a nurse, who wrapped her into a small swaddling blanket. She handled her as gently as if she were alive. She placed her in the small baby bed next to mine. All I could do was stare ather.

I closed my eyes as tightly as I could, tears streamed down my cheeks. I let out a wail. I’d never cried so loudly in my entire life. I wailed again. I moaned. I screamed. I curled myself into a ball on top of that exam table. Any physical pain I was feeling had gone numb. I made myself as small as I could. And I cried until I had nothing left inme.

One by one, the medical staff trickled out of the room. They finally let Jeff in. He looked like he had been crying but his face was now stone cold. He sat next to the bed and held my hand. I had stopped crying. I was staring at the blank white wall. We didn’t say anything for a long time. They were keeping me overnight for observation and to have me speak with a grief counselor that deals“with this sort ofthing.”

“It’s okay,” Jeff said. “We can tryagain.”

Tears started welling up again at the thought.What was he even saying?I didn’t even want to think about going through this again. I stayed quiet. Maybe he was just trying to bepositive.

“We’ll just try again and again until it happens,” he said. There was no emotion in his voice. He suddenly felt so distant from me. He’s grieving, too, I told myself. It willpass.

Everything will be fine. We can get through this together. We have eachother.

Chapter Five

Afew quietdays went by, in a bit of a blur. My agent said the editor should be done with first round edits in a few days. Most of my time was filled with seemingly mundane activities and bits of genuine happiness sprinkled in, most of which occurred when Emma wasaround.

I did stop by the gym the night we went shopping and have gone three days in a row now. It felt good to pop headphones in, get on the treadmill, and run. I ran until exhaustion. I ran until my legs started to ache, and my breaths became short, and then I kept running. It was easier to sleep if I wore myself outfirst.

Today wasn’t any different. I was stepping onto the treadmill and scrolling through music while putting my earbuds in. I settled on some Fall Out Boy. Sure, it was sort of random, and no one would ever guess that’s what I would choose to listen to, but their music was upbeat and sort of angry and that was the best kind of music to runto.

I noticed out of the corner of my eye that someone took the machine to my right. I kept my eyes forward and focused on the song beating in my ears. I picked up pace. I had half a mind to close my eyes and pretend it was just me in the gym, pretend I was off somewhere running in the dark. That’s when I felt a hand tap me on the shoulder and zap me back toreality.

I jumped sideways and whipped my headphones off. I whirled my head around to see a man smiling atme.

“Oh, hey,” he said. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startleyou.”

It was….fuck, what was his name?Steve? No. Sean?Fuck.

“Samuel Young,” he said, putting his hand to his chest, as if he were reading mythoughts.

Great.It wouldn’t be as easy to avoid conversation this time. We were right next to each other and it wasn’t like I could exactly go pick a different machine now without looking like a totalbitch.

“Oh, hi.” My voice was flat.He probably thinks you’re soweird.

“So how’s it going? All settled into your new place?” heasked.

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