Page 52 of For Now

Fuck this cookie, too. No, really. Fuck this cookie.Perhaps my fortune cookie days were over. Or perhaps I hated that they felt so right in all their infinite cookie wisdom. I leaned back into the couch and propped my feet up. I stared at my name on the white envelope for all of ten minutes. I studied the arch in the way he wrote the “D”. I looked at the small, light lines connecting letter to letter. I tilted my head at the way he dotted the “i”. He had pretty nice handwriting for a guy.This is stupid, Delilah.I huffed and pushed myself up off the couch to collect my bags near the door. I made it halfway down the hallway with them before I dropped them all and ran back to the couch. I took the envelope in my hand and ripped the sealopen.

This would be the best or worst decision I evermade.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Dear Delilah,

I’ve never written a love letter before. This will be the first. Then again, I’m not entirely sure if it would be considered a love letter. I suppose you’ll have to be the judge ofthat.

I wanted to start by apologizing. The day I came in and found your ex there, I kept something from you. I had seen him before. Given how long I’ve been carrying those images around in my mind, it wasn’t hard to recall his face. Jeff is the man in the photos from the private investigator who tracked down my ex-wife. Marilyn had apparently met him online and traveled down there to be with him. When I saw him there in your home, pushing you against the wall, I freaked out. I didn’t know what to do or what to think. I didn’t know what to say. I did everything I could to hold all of the anger from before in and just focus on getting him away from you. The point is, I’m sorry for that. I should’ve told you. It should have been the first thing I did after I made sure you were safe. I knew I should have then but like I said, it was just so much at once. I’m really sosorry.

I tried telling you when we were on our walk at the cabin but we were having such a wonderful time and I was so afraid to mess it up. Your happiness there made me decide to push it off a little longer. That was wrong of me, too. I never should have donethat.

And another apology. One that’s not really mine to give, but one I will give anyway because I don’t know what else to say about it. I am so sorry about Marilyn. I’d like to say you can’t imagine my shock but I think we both know you can. I’m not quite sure I can wrap my head around it even now. It’s all so fucked up. I knew she was in a bad place for a really long time but I didn’t know it was that bad. Those things, they’re inexcusable. What she did to you is crazy. I can’t even think of a better word for it. You’ll probably never get an apology from her, but I wanted you to know I am sorry my past got all tangled up in yours and became your problem. I am sorry two people hurt you. I’m sorry they hurt the both of us in so many different ways. If I know you like I think I do, you’ll hold onto this and maybe it will ruin everything. Hopefully though, you find it in yourself to let itgo.

Lastly, and hopefully most important, I need you to know how I feel. I understand if you don’t feel the same way or can’t feel the same way because of the things that have happened. I know they have some weight to them. But I need to say it. I love you, Delilah. And I want you to know because I think you can love me, too, if you let yourself. I never even tried to stop it. I never held myself back from feeling this for you. It was so natural to me, so organic. It felt right. My god, Delilah, do you even understand what a beautiful creature you are? It’s like no one’s told you. Your whole life, no one has told you what is so obvious to me. And I can’t understand it. I just can’t. And I don’t mean just the outside, Delilah. I mean, the inside. In you, there is this energy, this light that will not stop burning. Look at all you’ve been through. Look at all you’ve endured. And still, here you are, standing up for yourself, refusing to take the easyroad.

I’m sure if I hadn’t shown up when Jeff was there or even Marilyn, you’d have been just fine. You’d have kicked, screamed, and clawed your way out. Because you’re a fighter. You’re not a victim. You’re a survivor. Do you know that about yourself yet? Can you see it? If you let me stick around, I promise to remind you every day. I promise to tell you over and over again until you’re sick of myvoice.

Because here’s the thing. Here’s what this is really about. I don’t just want to be your friend. And I don’t just want to do this thing we’ve been doing that is more than friendship. I want to do this with you. It’s insane and messy and strange, I know. It’s a hell of a story. But this is what I want. I want you. I want us. I want to be your friend AND your lover, Delilah. I want to be by your side every day, lovingyou.

So I just have one question for you, Delilah. Can Istay?

Yours,

Samuel

Chapter Thirty-Four

Imust havesat here and read that letter over and over again for at least two hours. I must have read it fifty times. I’d read it and then sob. Then I’d read it again and sob some more. Each time, it took me several full minutes to compose myself enough to read again. I wasn’t sure why I kept reading it. It was like I kept searching for something. I even flipped the envelope upside down and shook it a couple of times.What the fuck do you expect will fall out, Delilah? You know he’s not inthere.

I paced in circles around my couch. Every part of my body wanted to move. Who was I kidding? Every part of my body wanted to explode. I was feeling everything all at once. Part of me was mad at him for writing such a beautiful letter. Part of me was still mad at him for lying to me. Part of me wanted to hug him. Part of me wanted to strangle him.How fucking dare you, Samuel? Damnyou.

I sat the letter down and curled up in a ball on the couch. I textedEmma.

Me: Reading that was a terribleidea.

Emma:Why?

Me: I’mcrying.

Emma: Good tears or badones?

Me: I don’tknow.

Emma: I think youdo.

Me: Shutup.

Emma didn’t reply. She knew where I was, what I was feeling. There was something crippling about love. It scared the shit out of me. It didn’t always, but what I had gone through certainly changed that for me. I used to revel in love. I used to be excited about just the idea of it. Now, it was terrifying. I lay here, contemplating my decisions, dissecting both my past and present. I went over the future decisions I needed to make, too. Then I heard the tiniest tap on the door. I raised up slowly, staring at my door. I didn’t recognize the knock. It was small and unsure. I waited a few seconds to see if I was imagining it and heard it again. I stood up and walked over, trying to peer out the window as I walked by. I didn’t see anything. I opened the door slowly and looked around at eye level and out to the road but no one wasthere.

“Hi.” A small voice traveled up at me. I looked down to see Mason standingthere.

“Mason? What are you doing here? Where is your dad?” I asked, looking around frantically for any sign ofSamuel.

“He’s not here. Or at home,” he said, looking up atme.

“Is something wrong?” I asked, opening the door wider to let him inside. I brought him into the kitchen and sat him down in a chair. I crouched down next to him and looked him in theeyes.

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