Page 4 of For Now

I took a shower instead. The water was nearly as hot as it could be. I could feel my knotted self start to unravel a little. I dropped my shoulders, bowed my head, and let the water run over me for a good fifteen minutes before I grabbed the soap. I made quick work of my body and hair, and then I just stood here again. Another ten minutes passed before I turned off the water and steppedout.

I got dressed and dried my hair but there was no need for makeup, so I grabbed my shoes and headed for the living room. In the past, I always went on walks when I needed pretty much anything and that’s what life called for right now. I walked to clear my head, to think about a project, to gain inspiration. I walked when I was upset, when I was happy, when I just needed to breathe. I grabbed my house key, slid it into my front pocket, and walked out onto the frontporch.

The day Jeff left, I took a walk. I walked for hours. Maybe I just needed to be away from the house we shared. I didn’t really know; I just kept walking. I didn’t know what I thought that was going to solve. I walked and I cried. I walked past neighboring houses, across the road, into the park, out of the other side of the park, and eventually I started circling back around. I cried the entire time. When I finally made it back to my porch, I stopped crying. I wiped my cheeks clean, rubbed my eyes, and straightened myself up. And I hadn’t cried since. Not until two days ago when I read that email.Why did she have to tell me about the pregnancy? Why did she even mention it?It would have been just as easy to leave it out. The damage was done now. No use dwelling on it. Except I was probably going to do just that for at least aweek.

I was lost in thought when I heard a vaguely familiar voice cuttingin.

“Oh, hello again!” I heard. It was a deepvoice.

I whirled my head around toward its direction. There was a man standing up on a porch, smiling widely and waving.Who the hell is that?I turned around to see who he might be talking to but I was the only person as far as I couldsee.

“I’m talking to you, silly!” he said, pointing straight atme.

I still had no idea who he was, and he must have read my expression. He took a few steps toward me, and I took a few back. He stopped, sensing myapprehension.

“I’m sorry. We met in the diner a few days ago. Well, we didn’t really meet. We bumped into each other,” hesaid.

Oh, that guy.“Oh, hi. Sorry, I didn’t recognize you,” Isaid.

“That’s all right, I shouldn’t have expected you to.” He took another step toward me, and I took another stepback.

I didn’t say anything but I stood here not moving long enough for the silence to grow a littleuncomfortable.

“I’m Samuel,” he finallysaid.

“I’m Delilah.” I looked up and down the street at the surroundinghouses.

“So do you live around here?” heasked.

“Just a couple of streets over. I just moved in,” Isaid.

“Ah! Well, welcome to the neighborhood! If you ever need anything, you know where to find me now,” heoffered.

“Yeah, thanks,” I said.That sounded so cold.After the next bit of silence, I cut him off before he could ask anything else. “I really should be going. Sorry again for bumping into you. Bye,” I said as I was already turning to walkaway.

“Oh, it’s really no problem! I’ll see you around, Delilah,” he called afterme.

I was already a few steps away with my back toward him.No, you won’t, Ithought.

* * *

Emma sentme a text the nextmorning.

Emma: I’ll be there soon, anything in particular you want toeat?

Me:Wine?

Emma: I’ll bring you a sandwich and some fruit fromPanera.

Me: Closeenough.

If she’s going to be here soon, I should probably get up.I had another shower, because well, it passed the time in a way that didn’t feel excruciating. But it was also when I felt the most relief. I was probably the cleanest person walking around these days, so I had that going forme.

I walked into the sunroom where my desk and writing materials were assembled with expert hands. My laptop sat open but off. Last night, I tried to sit and write something after my walk but I didn’t have any luck. I just wanted to get it out, to vent mostly. What I ended up with was a Word document with two words on it. “I’m sorry.”I quickly erased it when I realized it looked like the start of a suicide note, and that certainly wasn’t my intention. I wanted to write my now ex-husband a letter. I wanted to write it for the entire year following the day he walked out, but I never found the words. Maybe one day I would know what I wanted to say and how to sayit.

I walked past my desk and crossed the room to the far corner. I peered outside, into my backyard, and watched two squirrels scurry up and down the tree. The leaves hadn’t quite started to fall, so I imagined they were hard at work storing nuts for the winter months. What a life. You spend your entire existence gathering food and sleeping.I need that life right aboutnow.

I watched for a few more envious moments until I heard a knock at the door.Emma.I made my way to the front door quickly, assuming her arms were full of food and I was right. I took some of it from her when I opened the door, and we walked to the kitchen tabletogether.

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