Page 39 of For Now

This was it. This was the moment that solidified it for me. I had let him in. All the way. I wasn’t afraid of him, had nothing to hide from him anymore. I had given him the keys to the castle. Whatever I had to offer him was within his reach now. This was the moment I knew I might not be alone forever, that I might not have to always think in terms ofme. Maybe one day in the future, I’d be brave enough to think in terms of anusagain. If I had learned anything, I had learned you can beyouand you can be part of aweat the same time. You didn’t have to disappear. You didn’t have to fade into an expectation or an ideal. You didn’t have to lose yourself to gain love. And you shouldn’t lose yourself to feel loved. I knew that now. And I knew that no matter what it was that had opened me up, I never wanted to be closed again. I was hoping the need for radical self-preservation was over. But hope was an awful thing. The act of hoping was futile. All I could do was wait. Wait andsee.

Chapter Twenty-Five

We spentthe rest of the morning cuddling and talking until it was time to start packing up to head back to the city. We arrived back at my place late in the afternoon and I had never been more bummed out over a weekend ending. As we pulled up to my house, I noticed Emma’s car parked in the driveway. I hurried up toward the porch while Samuel grabbed the bags. She was sitting on the couch and she looked as if she’d been crying so I immediately ran to her side and embracedher.

“What’s wrong, Emma?” I asked. In all my years knowing her, I don’t know that I’d ever seen her this upset over anything. I could tell something was really wrong as I searched her face foranswers.

“David left. Like he just walked out the door and I haven’t heard from him since. That was four hours ago,” she said,sniffling.

“What do you mean? He didn’t say where he was going?” I asked, confused as to what would have led to him just walking out likethat.

“Oh, god, Delilah. I think he’s upset. I think I freaked him out,” shesaid.

As she said it, I caught Samuel out of the corner of my eye. He walked past us and down thehallway.

“Okay, let’s just start from the beginning so I can understand,” Isaid.

Samuel reappeared and sat down in the chair. We both leaned in toward her, waiting for more of anexplanation.

“I’m pregnant,” shesaid.

I’m not even sure what I felt in that moment, but I instinctively wrapped my hand around my waist. This wasn’t about me; this was about her. I couldn’t imagine what she wasfeeling.

“He left because you’re pregnant?” I asked, confused. David was not that sort of guy. I just couldn’t see him doing that toEmma.

“I think so. I was so excited to tell him, even though we had agreed to wait another year to try. I figured it was close enough, it wouldn’t make that much of a difference. I mean, we didn’t mean to but it happened and so I just thought we would both make the best of it. It’s something we wanted, you know? So I sat him down and told him. He looked surprised at first. He didn’t smile or laugh or ask anything. He just sat there quietly for a few minutes. I asked him if he was okay, but he didn’t even respond. He just sat there staring off into nothing and then got up and left. He just walked out without a word.” She started sobbing evenharder.

I was perplexed. Bewildered. Never in my life would I have pegged David for that kind of guy. Where did he go? Was he freaked out? None of this made any sense. As I sat here sorting the details through my mind, I couldn’t help but wonder if all men just lost their minds when it came to babies and pregnancy. Some got violent, obsessed, and others just disappeared and bounced before they ever had to worry about any of it. I leaned over and pulled my friend into my chest and hugged her as tightly as I could. I didn’t know what to do or say but I had to try for her sake. I had to give her whatever comfort Icould.

“It’s okay, Emma, it’s okay. I’m here. I know that doesn’t solve anything but I’m here for you. You can stay here tonight if you want,” I whispered toher.

“I just don’t understand,” shesaid.

I looked back at Samuel who had a look on his face that was equal parts sadness for her and anger toward David. It was probably the same look I had.How could he do this toher?!

“I’m going to make some tea and food for everyone,” Samuel said as he got up and walked toward thekitchen.

I stayed where I was, holding my friend in my arms. Her erratic breathing began to soften and steady. She pulled her face from my shirt sleeve and started wiping under her eyes. I grabbed some tissues for her and sat here patiently waiting as she pulled herself a bit more together. Her poor face was all pink and puffy. She wiped her face and blew hernose.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know this is rough but we will figure this out. We will figure out what happened.” I tucked her hair behind her ear and gave her a reassuringsmile.

“God, I must look like a complete and total mess,” she said. Emma wasn’t the type to be so unraveled in the presence of others. She kept things pretty locked up. She’d always preferred to be alone in emotionaltimes.

“You’re the prettiest crier I’ve ever seen,” I said with asmile.

She chuckled a bit which was arelief.

Samuel came back with some tea and sandwiches. “I got you decaf,” he said, handing Emma her cup with asmile.

“Thank you,” she said, managing to returnone.

“You should eat something, too,” I said. “I want a chubby little niece or nephew to spoil.” Granted, I wasn’t her sister, but that didn’t matter to us. Emma laughed a little louder now, nodding her head and grabbing a sandwich from the plate. I was glad to see her starting to pull out of her previousstate.

“I was actually hoping you’d be the godmother,” Emma said, looking at me and smilingbig.

Tears flooded my eyes. I felt a thickness in my throat. “You know I will,” I said, smiling at my friend. This was supposed to be a joyous time for her. Not this. Not this bit of joy surrounded by this large pile of shit. I grabbed my stomach again and ached for her. Samuel rubbed his hand over mine. As we made eye contact, hesmiled.

“Well, I’d better be going. I need to get home to check on Mason and relieve my sister of her auntly duties,” Samuel said as he stood. He looked over at Emma and gave her a smile then leaned over and kissed me on thecheek.

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