Page 31 of For Now

“Well, that’s not exactly a warm greeting,” hesaid.

“It wasn’t meant to be,” Isnapped.

“Fine. Okay, I get that you might be a little mad at me. I get that you might even hate my guts. I guess that’sfair.”

“You guess? You fucking guess?” Igrowled.

“Okay, okay, Lil. I get it. I was terrible. I made some mistakes. But everything I did, I did with good intentions.” Jeff shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal and I wanted to beat him with the lamp sitting next tohim.

“Good intentions? Good intentions? No one does what you did to the woman they supposedly love with good intentions. No one,” Isaid.

“Fine,” hesaid.

His lack of concern or understanding was really starting to irritate me. There was no use trying to make him get it. “So what do you want, Jeff? Just get toit.”

“Well, I don’t really know. I just started driving, thinking I needed to come talk toyou.”

“And you didn’t think to justcall?”

“I didn’t think you’d take my call,” hesaid.

“You thought right. You’re lucky I even let youin.”

He sat in silence for a moment, shifting his weight. I kept my eyes on him. He looked thinner than the last time I saw him. He looked more worried, too. Less at ease than his usual confidentself.

“The woman I left you for is pregnant,” he finallysaid.

“I know,” Isaid.

“You do?” he asked,confused.

“Yep.”

“I’m worried. I don’t know what to do. I’m worried about losing her. My little girl,” hesaid.

He didn’t even seem concerned about how I knew. I felt all the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like crying. I felt everything. I felt jealous.Why is he telling me this? Why the fuck does he think this is something I want to hear? Doesn’t he understand that it hurts?“Well, congratulations to you and yours. I hope you’re both very happy with the new addition to yourfamily.”

“Lil, don’t be likethat.”

“I hate it when you call me Lil,” I saidcoldly.

“Oh. I didn’tknow.”

“I know. You never listened. You never cared. You never took anything I wanted or needed into consideration. It was all about you, all about what you wanted,” I saidcoldly.

I didn’t know what got into me, but I think I just finally had enough. I couldn’t take one more comment, one more hurtful thing from him. It was finally time. I was finally ready to tell him everything I had wanted to say for years. I didn’t know why right then felt right but I wasn’t going to question it. I was just going to let it flow out of me without a filter. He deserved every word of it. I had nothing to feel bad aboutanymore.

“I’m done, Jeff. I’m done. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to be your friend. I just want to forget you. I want to forget everything you did to me. But I can’t. Do you know why, Jeff? Do you? Do you even understand? I either can’t sleep at all or I sleep as long as my body will allow me just so I don’t have to feel anything. Do you know what that’s like? Of course not because you can’t even come to terms with the fact that what you put me through hurt me. You can’t even look yourself in the mirror and see yourself for the monster you became with me. I’m just done with you, with all of it. I don’t want to have it hanging over me anymore. I think you need to leave.Now.”

Jeff was just sitting there, staring at me, seemingly shocked. He stood up and moved toward me. I stepped back instinctively. He put his arms out, and I put my fists up. He held out his palms as if to signal he meant no harm. And he hugged me. I stood stiff, elbows angled, waiting for it to be over but he just held me tighter and tighter. Tears began to fall down my cheeks onto his shoulder but I didn’t say a word and I didn’t hug him back. His grip started to tighten even more and I started to struggle against him. I didn’t wantthis.

“Let go, Jeff!” I yelled. But he held me in my place and backed me into thewall.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” hesaid.

“No, it’s not. Let me go!” I yelled louder. I wiggled myself side to side, pushed my arms out and away from me to try to pry him off but it was like trying to move stone. The past came crashing back down on me and I recounted too many familiar scenes in my mind. I remembered each time Jeff held me too tightly and what happened next.Oh, god, not this. Not thisagain.

Just as my body began to slouch, I felt Jeff’s body jerking away from mine in one fluid motion. I fell to my knees and looked up to see Samuel pulling Jeff away by his shirt. He whirled Jeff around as if he weighed nothing. Samuel’s eyes met Jeff’s and for a moment, he paused. It was strange; I couldn’t tell what the look on his face was.Recognition?I could see his arms flexing in anger. He reared back his fist and connected with Jeff’sjaw.

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