Page 29 of For Now

I walked into the bathroom and shut the door. I locked it. I sat on the cold tile floor and sobbed. Your body was a strange thing sometimes. And it was capable of betrayingyou.

Chapter Nineteen

Ididn’t stepout of the shower until everything had pruned twice over. I should have thanked the landlord for installing an extra-large hot water tank. I checked the clock while I was toweling off and I didn’t know where the day went but it was nearing 8 p.m. I walked across my bedroom floor and my reflection caught my eye in the full-length mirror. I reversed a bit and gazed at my body. I traced the lines of my hip bones with the edge of my thumb, circled around my belly button, traveled up my sternum, and cupped my collarbone. I twisted side to side and I could tell the gym had really helped put me back together. No more muffin top anyway. I stood here for a few more moments, examining myself. My body was aching. Not from a sprained ankle, an upset stomach, or any physical ailment. It was aching to be loved, to be touched. That wasn’t a woman thing, that was a human thing. It was in our nature, wasn’tit?

Just then, I darted to my closet, ripped through clothes, and put on piece after piece. I tied my still damp hair up in a top knot and went for my shoes. I all but sprinted for my keys and phone and ran out the door as fast as I could, foot to pavement, in hisdirection.

This wasn’t like me at all and I had no idea what I was going to say when I saw him, but I had to say something. Because the only thing worse than living this lonely life I had begun to carve out was living it with regret. I rounded the only turn I had to take and I could see his house in the distance. He was getting out of his car. I pushed forward faster and yelled out his name. He started to look around and caught me in his gaze. The look of confusion on his face wasunderstandable.

I stopped a few feet short of him and put my hands on my knees to catch my breath. I really should’ve thought this out a little more thoroughly. I had no makeup on, my hair was wet, and I was barely dressed in almost matching clothes. I had just run all the way down the road toward Samuel in what I can only assume looked like panic to outsiders.Greatstart.

“Delilah, are you okay? What are you doing here?” Samuel asked with concern in hisvoice.

I threw a hand up in halt. “I just, I need to say something. And I didn’t want to say it before, or maybe I was too scared to say it before, I don’t know. All I know is if I don’t say it, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, you know?” I asked, still catching mybreath.

“Okay, sure,” he said, a littleconfused.

“The thing is…” I started, but a figure on his porch caught my eye. Awoman.

“Samuel, is everything all right?” sheasked.

Samuel turned toward her and waved. “Yeah, everything is fine. I’ll be in in a minute,” he said. He turned back to me as if everything was still thesame.

Oh, god.I couldn’t say what I was about to say now. He had clearly moved on. And why wouldn’t he? I could feel my face reddening as the seconds wentby.

“You were saying?” heasked.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. You know what, never mind, it’s okay. I’m sorry I intruded. I shouldn’t have come over here,” I said as I began to back away fromhim.

“Delilah, wait,” he said, just as I was turning on my heel and running back in the direction of myhouse.

Oh, god, what was I thinking? What the hell was I thinking? What did I think, he was just going to sit over there and wait patiently for me to become a normal person? Of course not. God, how embarrassing.Hopefully he could explain some sort of normal scenario to her. I couldn’t imagine what she was thinking right now. Ugh, and she was pretty. Really pretty. And now they were together and that was great for them. I was no one to get in the way of that. I just needed to put that all behindme.

I walked into my house, shut the door behind me, and sank down onto the floor. This was one of those moments again. One where you really search internally for the reasons you’ve done what you’ve done and how you’ll move on from it without letting it hang over you like a storm cloud. Well, that was that. No need to worry myself. And Emma would certainly need to hear aboutthis.

I looked down at my phone to a text message from the unknown number. I still didn’t know who it was, what they wanted, or why they kept texting me. But for whatever reason, they always came when I needed to seethem.

Things are not always as theyare.

Whatever that meant. I sat on the floor for a few more minutes and realized I spent more time on the floor today than anywhere else. I stood slowly, stretching upward and rotating my shoulders. Despite the very long hot shower, my body was still stiff, stilllonging.

I was staring off through the sunroom windows, dazed by the evening sky and its lack of stars. The only thing that snapped me back to now was the knock at the door and all the curiosity that filled me in the short second itlasted.

I turned the knob slowly, opened it even slower, and held my breath as my eyes methis.

“Hi,” hesaid.

Chapter Twenty

Amonth before I miscarried,Jeff and I were in the baby section of a department store in the mall picking out linens, outfits, and pacifiers. We’d been so excited all day because earlier that morning we found out we were having a girl. We’d even namedher.

Jeff was standing behind me, kissing my neck and rubbing my baby bump while I looked at onesies. I was blissfully happy, blissfully unaware of the turn my life was about to take in the nextmonth.

“What do you want her middle name to be?” Iasked.

“Hmm, how about Harriett?” Jeffteased.

“Harriett?! Noway.”

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