Page 26 of For Now

“Do you think you made a mistake?” Emma asked inreturn.

“Don’t do that,” Isaid.

“Do what?” she asked as I gazed into the mirror, applying mascara. If I was going out, I was going to try not to look like a garbage monster. I had put on the black lace top Emma wanted me to wear before and my bangs were actually cooperating much to mysurprise.

“That thing where you turn everything back on me and make me start thinking about stuff I don’t want to think about instead of just answering my questions,” Isaid.

“D, if I said yes, would that help? If I said no, would that help? The point is, it doesn’t really matter what I think. All that matters is what you think,” Emmasaid.

She was always too full of wisdom. I hated it when she made good points. “Emma, can you do me a favor tonight?” Iasked.

“Sure, anything,” shesaid.

“Let me get drunk. But don’t let me do anything stupid,” Isaid.

“Define stupid.” Shelaughed.

“Don’t let me call Samuel. Don’t let me get taken away by anystrangers.”

“Deal.” Shesmiled.

And so we wereoff.

* * *

The bar wasa little crowded given it was a Saturday night and everyone was out somewhere at this hour. The music was great, people were dancing, and I made a beeline for the two open stools at the bar. I ordered the first round of drinks and turned toEmma.

“Cheers, Emma!” Isaid.

“To new beginnings,” Emmareturned.

With a clink of our glasses, we both downed about half of our drinksrespectively.

“So how are you and David doing?” Iasked.

“Oh, we’re good. Great, in fact. I think I really picked a winner. I’ve been trying to convince him we should start trying to have a baby,” shesaid.

My hand did what it always does and took rest over my belly button. She knew I had a miscarriage but she didn’t know what cameafter.

“That’s great, Emma!” I said, trying everything to stifle the frog in mythroat.

“Yeah, I just think it’s time,” she said, and after that her words got a little fuzzy. I looked out over the crowds of scattered people. Some were dancing, some were playing pool in the corner, and some were just in huddles, chatting and laughing. I had always been a people watcher. I studied their faces and tried to make guesses about their real lives. Sometimes I made up entire back stories about them in my head. I pulled myself back into the now and Emma’s voice clearedup.

“I think you’ll make a great mother, Emma,” I said, smiling at my friend, thinking about all the times she was there for me. I didn’t realize how much I missed her until I moved here. I definitely meant what I said to her just then. She smiled back at me. “Okay, no more sappy, let’s do a shot!” I said, clapping my hands together. I needed to move this evening in a different direction. I shot my hand up in the air to signal the bartender before Emma couldobject.

“Oh my god, I may need a minute for this,” she said, staring at the shot glass of clear liquid courage I handedher.

“Woman up!” I said, holding my shot up in salute. I downed mine in one gulp in time to see Emma gingerly sipping hers. She had always been a bit reserved, even in our younger years. She never broke curfew, never tried drugs, never drank too much. I admired such self-discipline. This was probably why she was always the one taking care of me. Not that I ever got so out of hand that it was too much. Maybe it was time I didthat.

An hour later, I was dancing. I was in the middle of the dance floor, wiggling all my body parts, still holding the empty shot glass from my sixth one in my hand. Emma was close by, wiggling a little less than I was. Everything was a little fuzzy and warm. This was good, reallygood.

A guy was dancing his way through the crowd toward me. I made eye contact with him and I wasn’t resisting. He squeezed in next to me and started grinding against me. On any other night, I would have pushed him away but tonight, I just didn’t care. I leaned into him and continued to move my body against his. He swayed his hips in sync with mine and wrapped his hand around my waist. He was a pretty good dancer from what I could tell but it wasn’t as if I had a lot of balance or awareness at that point. It was so fun. Why didn’t I do this more often? Hell, I wasn’t even thinking about Samuel. This guy was pretty hot, I think. My vision was slightly compromised, but I was pretty sure he was decent looking or I’m sure Emma would have put a stop to it. I spun around and rubbed my ass against him. That was how you did it when I was younger and I assumed it was still appropriate. His response was positive. I spun back around to face him and he was smiling atme.

Just then, I leaned in and planted a kiss on his mouth. He kissed me back and the next thing I knew we were full on making out on the dance floor. I didn’t even know his name. Then again, even if I did, I definitely wouldn’t remember it tomorrow. It wasfine.

And then I pulled back and threw up on his shoes. And everything went black. These are those moments you internalize, the kind that define you, the kind that make you question everything, especially why you just did what you did. That was just what being drunk did to you. All I could see were blips of light and a blurry image here and there. I think I was actually using my feet even though I couldn’t feel them. And then all I felt was the familiar warmth of my own bed. Drunken sleep washed over me and I did notdream.

Chapter Seventeen

---