Page 65 of Absolution

“Erica, are you okay?” she gasps.

“No,” I solemnly answer.

Dr. Matthews shifts in her seat, as I cry uncontrollably in my hands against the desk. Everything I had held back comes flowing out of me, as I force myself to choke out the story of my incarceration.

“I’m innocent, Dr. Matthews. I swear that I am. I wouldn’t jeopardize my chance with Asher for this.

Dr. Matthews reaches out toward me, and takes my hands into hers.

“I have been helping people for many years, Erica. Many of those patients lied to me on a regular basis and continued to abuse their vices. You are not like them,” she assures me, squeezing my hands at every word.

“You believe me?”

“Yes, Erica. I do.”

I don’t know what to say to her, and the urge to hug her comes over me. Not a single person has taken my story at face value, and seen the bullshit that clouds the truth underneath the murk.

“What about the new man in your life? The one from your past. Where does he stand in all of this?” she questions.

Dr. Matthews has obviously taken note that I had left him out of my story. I did it intentionally because that is not a can of worms I want to open up with a potential lynch pin in my fight for my brother. The less she knows about him, the better off we both are.

“I think he believes me Doc, but he’s seen me at my worst. He knows I wasn’t using, but we didn’t exactly leave on the most solid of terms. He was here the first day, but I haven’t seen or heard from him since.”

“The ones who love us the most are the quickest to condemn us, when their feelings have been hurt. Be patient with him, and I believe, in time, that he’ll see things your way.”

“God, I hope so. What can I do to make others see that I’m not guilty, Doc? The evidence is sketchy at best, yet they are trying to just throw me straight into the fire.”

“Continue to stand your ground, Erica. When the world seems the darkest, the brightest light will always shine through. Do not let this place takeaway from all the progress you have made over the last few months. They cannot define you. Only you can do that.”

“Thank you, Dr. Matthews. I needed to hear that more than you know. After a few days in this place, it’s like the fight and life are being sucked right out of me.”

“I know, Erica. I wish I would have been here sooner,” Dr. Matthews announces to me. “Maybe I could have stopped this from going so far.”

“There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. Trust me. I have my suspicions about who is really at fault, and with any luck, that is going to be taken care of soon enough.”

The doctor goes silent, and I realize that what I just told her could be interpreted so many different ways. Thankfully, this room doesn’t seem to be as monitored.

“Is your sick patient better now? I know you probably can’t tell me, but you look really exhausted.”

The doctor is visibly curious about my inquiry. I, the patient, am asking the doctor questions. It may be unorthodox in the practice of psychiatry, but even therapists need a chance to talk about themselves. How they stay sane listening to the problems of the world I will never know.

“That’s not exactly why I was gone. I have a special patient that I have to see immediately, when an appointment is requested. The call came shortly after our last session, and when I met with her, I knew that this wasn’t a quick one. She needed more time with me.”

As Dr. Matthews speaks, I sense fear inside of her. This patient may be special, but there’s something more to the story. I know that there’s laws preventing her from telling me anymore, and I respect her for following them. But she seems troubled by her admission.

“Are you sure that you are okay?”

Dr. Matthews hesitates again, but quickly regains her composure. She steers her questions back to my case, and away from her other patient. In doing so, she’s piqued my interest more. For someone who is tight lipped about her personal life, why would she share this with me? As our session continues, she never brings it back up again, but I cannot shake the feeling that this conversation is going to come back and haunt me some day.

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