Page 11 of Absolution

I shut the door to her office building behind me taking in my first deep breath, since starting my session with her. Talking about this shit is supposed to give you peace, but it only makes my anxiety even worse. Had this not been a strong suggestion from my caseworker, I doubt I would have ever stepped foot in her office, but I need to see this through. Not for me. Not for closure. But for the life I am trying to save.

I quickly walk to my ride, throwing open the door and sliding into the worn, leather seat. I knew the day I left the clubhouse that taking the car that the club had provided to me wasn’t an option. It could be reported as stolen, and I didn’t want the heat from the club on my ass, while I tried to take care of my family business. So I took a page out of Dani’s escape plan playbook and bused it to Kentucky instead. No way for them to track me down, and it bought me more time to handle things on my own.

This beat up pick-up truck may not be easy on the eyes, but it gets me where I need to go, and it doesn’t hurt that it came at the right price. Free thanks to some schmuck who my mother probably conned it out of for the pleasure of her company. Even now after looking through the pictures she had in her trailer, I couldn’t understand her appeal to the men of the town. They all knew what kind of woman she was, so either these men were desperate or just plain fucking stupid. But hey, I have a free ride thanks to her. Herby, as I have named him, isn’t exactly fuel efficient, but broke bitches can’t be choosy in my position.

The biggest hurdle I had once I got here was finding a place to stay, but thankfully for me, my mother left me yet another gift. Her trashed as fuck trailer. It took a lot of cleaning, but it was finally livable. I’ll be honest when I say that I was shocked to find out that she actually owned that piece of shit on wheels, since she never seemed to own a single thing in her entire life, but it was a welcome surprise. I know in the long run it was just a temporary solution, but until I could afford something better, it’s what I called home.

Turning the key in the ignition, I let the engine creak and grumble like an old man. Saying a silent prayer for the damn thing to turn over on the first attempt, it actually does. I pull away from the curb and cruise down the tiny streets of my hometown. This place hasn’t changed a bit since the day I turned my back on this part of my life for a fresh start. I should have known then that no place was ever going to feel like home for me, but I was young and naïve enough to believe that happy endings really did exist.

My destination is the same every weekday around this time. A place where my heart breaks more and more each passing day. My truck dies as soon as I pull into the secluded spot of the parking lot just, before the school bell rings. Kids pour out of the doors like the place is on fire, but it’s one child I am looking for amongst the crowd. It doesn’t take long until his mop of curly, dark hair comes into view. My brother Asher steps out of the front door of the school, animatingly chatting with another kid. The moment I set my eyes on him I knew he was my brother. His smile lights up the moment he is free from the confines of the school day just like mine did at his age. I’ve spent the last few months studying his face from afar, and each day I notice another similarity between us.

His face turns to the sunny sky and soaks up the rays, before a horn interrupts his happy moment. His smile instantly fades as a black town car pulls up to the curb and honks. I watch as a tall man exits the vehicle and greets him, before ushering him back to the car.

His guardian and my father, Ronald Boatman. His hardened, wrinkled face has not changed since the last time I saw him. I was an abomination to him, and the thought of him being the foster parent to my brother, only strengthened my resolve to get him back. Even after my mother publicly outed him as my father, he continued to shun my existence and me, like I was a figment of his imagination. Pray as he might, his blood was in my veins, and there was no denying that fact. Unfortunately for my mother, she didn’t have the strength or the will to fight him for child support, when the state already paid a handsome sum to her as a single mother on welfare.

By the time I could take care of myself, she saw me as a means to obtain more money from the state and through charitable groups. I was just a burden to her that came with paycheck perks, food, and gifts around the holidays. Even now, I don’t think she saw me as her daughter, but a hindrance to her lifestyle. What man would want to slut it up with her when there was a child in the house? There was only so many times a kid could watch the same cartoon VHS tape, before getting bored and wandering into her room, while she was in a compromising position with her latest financial mark. After that, my new “uncles” stopped coming by and my mother disappeared for longer periods of time. Hours turned to days and then to weeks before I learned to just fend for myself. Well, until I became attractive to men, and I could earn my own keep by lying on my back.

The way my skin crawled as they touched me. The vile words that slipped from their mouths as they tried to sweet talk me into giving them possession of my body. And the sheer utter fear of not being left alive the next time, while also wishing for death every single night those men came for me. Obviously, I wasn’t in a mentally stable place. Visions of those horrors flash through my mind, before the honking of the horn brings me crashing back into reality.

I watch as my father ushers my little brother roughly into the waiting car. He slides out of view and my emotional dam shatters as heavy, wet tears streak down my face, while the town car pulls away. The one person in the world who never wanted me, his own daughter, now has the one thing I want most in the world, my brother. The world has a funny way of dishing out a sick and twisted sense of irony.

I thought my mother had only made one mistake in her life, but I couldn’t be more wrong. She may have set me on a path of self-destruction, but I’ll be damned if I let the same thing happen with my brother.

One day soon, he won’t have to go home with that monster.

It may not seem possible now, but that day will come.

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