Page 17 of For the Love of the Bull Rider

Matt sniffed before he spoke again. “I’m sorry nobody was around to answer the phone when Ryan called. I never thought about that bein’ a problem ‘til now. I’m tryin’ to get used to bein’ a single dad, but it ain’t easy. Sometimes, I’m lost.”

That was a sorry fucking excuse if Tim had ever heard one. It was clearly not the time for Matt to host his own private pity party. Tim hauled up his balls and decided to be brutally honest with the large man.

“Well, the time for you to be lost is long gone, Matthew. You have a son in first grade because your wife was so fucked up she couldn’t see to it the boy got to school every day, so he has a late start. However, it’s still workable.

“Ryan was sick at school today and had no way to get in touch with you. That’s inexcusable. First and foremost, you should be reachable for that little boy at all hours of the day and night. My father decided, because of the fact I’m gay, it was enough reason to shoot my mother and himself,” Tim admitted, though his mouth was running away with his common sense because he was so pissed.

He couldn’t stop yet. “I can’t ever get them back, Matt. You’re the dad, for fuck’s sake. That little boy should be your first thought when you wake up in the morning, even more than your cattle. If you don’t want him, give him to me.”

Yes, he was provoking the big man without regard for the potential consequences. Matt could literally beat Tim to death without breaking a sweat. Surprisingly, he merely bent over to rest his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, eyes closed.

When tears rolled down Matt’s cheeks, Tim was stunned and immediately sorry for his harsh words, but before he couldapologize, Matt spoke quietly. “I’m fucking it all up, Timmy, because I just don’t know how to be a good dad. I’ve tried, but I honestly don’t know what to do for Ryan. Hell, before Bertie took him away, I was barely there for him. I did my own thing and left it to her to take care of him. Now, I see how wrong it was, but I don’t know how to be the kind of dad I had growin’ up. I love Ryan so much, but I don’t think about things like the fact he can’t get me on the phone if he’s sick. Why didn’t he call Mom?” Matt asked.

Tim took a deep breath and decided to plow forward. He’d stepped into it up to his knees, anyway.

“He didn’t call Jeri becauseshe’snot his dad, and he knows you’re not speaking to her at the moment because she pushed Marty to leave you in jail overnight. But, at the end of the day, he’syourresponsibility, not your mom’s. You… You’re a selfish bastard!” Tim snapped at the man because it was the truth.

Matt looked up at him and the look on the bull rider’s face completely deflated Tim’s ire. The big man dropped to his knees in front of Tim and took his hand. “You have every right to say those things, Timmy. I’ve been so screwed up since I got Ryan back, and then when I met you, I got thrown for a loop.”

The tears flowed down Matt’s face, and it took Tim completely by surprise.

“When Lanny showed up here, well, he wanted me to leave my family because he wants me for himself. We fooled around a little back in the day, but we both said it was just outta desperation and fear of gettin’ the clap or somethin’ worse, so we stayed away from the buckle bunnies. Bertie and I didn’t have sex very often after she had Ryan. In reality, I just didn’t care about bein’ with her ‘cause she just didn’t do anything for me.

“Lanny showed up here without callin’, and he thought things could go back to the way they used to be, but I knew better. I wanted to talk to him alone, which is why I called Miss Katie tosee if Ryan could stay with y’all. I needed to explain to Lanny things weren’t the same, but I hoped we could still be friends. Unfortunately, that’s not Lanny’s way.

“He doesn’t like to lose… ever. When I turned down his offer of sex, he got mad. He likes it rough but this time, I wasn’t gonna let him hurt me like he has in the past. I told him I had feelin’s for someone else, and he threatened to kill me if I didn’t stay with him. He pulled a gun from his bag and made me sit in the living room while he pointed that thing at me all night long, giving me all the reasons why we were right for each other and how he wasn’t gonna let me get away from him again.”

Tim’s mouth dropped open, and he couldn’t close it. Matt’s words brought back too many memories he’d rather not think about regarding his own parents.

Matt wiped his eyes, but he kept talking. “When I heard Danny’s truck comin’ up the road, I knew I couldn’t take the chance Lanny might try to hurt him, so I charged Lanny. We wrestled for the gun, and it went off. That’s when Danny called the cops. We took the fight outside and when the sheriff showed up, we were both arrested. Lanny has gun charges pending against him, but he skipped out on his bail. I doubt they’ll ever find him.”

Tim wasn’t sure how to feel about the news, but he was pissed at that Lanny guy, the stupid fucker. “Do you know where he went?”

“Look, Tim. I know I’m a mess, but I don’t know how to sort this shit out. I know I can’t do it by myself. I’ve been tryin’ and makin’ no progress at all, so I knownowI need someone to help me figure out what the hell to do.” The tears continued to slide down Matt’s handsome face.

Suddenly, there were god-awful sounds down the hall, so Tim hurried toward Ryan’s room, seeing the boy dart into thebathroom. Hearing that sweet little boy losing the small amount of water Tim had been able to get him to drink was horrible.

Tim walked in behind the boy and knelt. “Try to breathe slower.” He gently stroked Ryan’s back, wishing the little guy could feel better.

After Ryan dry-heaved a few more times, he turned to Tim with tears on his sweet face. “Am I gonna die?”

Tim’s chest nearly caved in at the boy’s shaky words. Considering how fucked up things were at the moment, Tim couldn’t form words fast enough to dissuade the boy from those feelings.

Fucking Matt should have been a normal, loving father. The man had great parents, but there was something missing from his upbringing. Tim was starting to think maybe Matt had been spoiled when he was younger and never had to bear responsibility for anything.

Jeri and Marty loved him and had proven they’d do anything for him, so Tim guessed he’d never learned when one had children, sacrifices came with the territory. He’d seen it with his own mother, so he knew it was something parents did for their children.

The other thing was Matt’s closeted status. He had a loving family Tim was guessing would learn to accept his orientation if he’d give them the chance. Why he’d chosen to stay in the closet was a bit of a mystery, but Tim wondered if it had anything to do with his profession. That was something he’d have to investigate, though he was pretty sure gay cowboys weren’t accepted much in professional bull riding circles.

Tim considered his own situation. When he stomped out of that closet, it eventually cost his mother her life. She’d made the ultimate sacrifice for him, and he’d never forget it.

Ryan Collins had a lot of things to worry about for such a little boy. Tim didn’t believe it was fair for him to have all of that onhis shoulders. Then and there, Tim decided to step up to the plate for the boy. Fuck, someone had to do it.

“No, sweetheart, you’re not going to die. It just feels like it right now, but you’re gonna get this behind you in a day or two. Let’s rinse your mouth and then how about I get you a little juice and some medicine?” Tim asked the boy.

“Will it help?” Ryan asked, looking as pathetic as anything.

Before Tim could answer, Matt walked into the bathroom, his gorgeous hair slicked back. He’d changed into a pair of sweats and a T-shirt, and he looked damn nervous. “You okay, little man?”

---