Page 70 of Ruthless Kings of Havoc

“Bonus points was getting him off his meds for a week. That made the suffering rather heinous if you ask me,” she continues. “Does it solve what he did? No. Not in the slightest. Not to your daughter.” She holds the teacup as tightly as she can without it shattering from her crushing grip. “But there’s only so much I can do, Sweetheart.”

She hangs her head low then, staring at the white marble table’s surface.

“I know, as of now, you don’t see things the way we do. You may never understand our tactics and why we had to act and execute things the way we did. That’s okay. It’s not a viewpoint I ever wanted my child to be born into and experience firsthand, but again, you weren’t planned, my love.” She can’t fight the tears now. “I hadn’t built the foundation of wealth I sought. I had the determination. The willpower. The vision. Everything was written in the stars, and I was going to be the first Ruthless Queen who took hold of her destiny and proved to the world that I could be in control of my life circumstances. It didn’t matter if I came from a poor upbringing. It didn’t concern me if the whole society thought I was a desperate gold digger wishing for a bright future. I couldn’t care less about reputation and the world’s perception of my frail, pathetic self.” She lifts her chin so I can see the tears that stream down her cheeks.

“As long as my child had a future better than mine, that’s all I wanted.” She bites her lip, the frustration so obvious on the lines of her face.

“But in this world, it seems like we never get what we want. No matter how hard we try.” She mockingly laughs at her own words while she shakes her head. “I acquired what I fought so hard to reclaim after all the fucked-up trials I went through. I finally thought the light was at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t know when you arrived at the beam of light, it just started back up again. You’re at the bottom of a staircase. One so steep and tall, you can no longer see the exit. It just continues until you lose the will to try. You simply give up.”

“Mother…”

She lowers her cup and wipes away her tears.

“But I couldn’t give up. I just couldn’t. I was pregnant. Dealing with a bipolar psychotic husband with far too many personality traits to keep track of. Prescott was the only one who could think fucking straight, and then I have the lover who can only ever keep me as a hidden stowaway because his reputation is everything.”

She has to be referring to Joaquin.

“At the end of the day, I put myself in this mess, and there were only two options. Abort the mission, or stick through it, despite how fucked up the future would have in store for me and my little one.” I can assume the path she chose.It’s why we’re here, having this conversation.“Either way, it’s no excuse. Nothing can excuse what you’ve gone through and what you will continue to go through. For you to come out of this a true victor when so many of us Ruthless Queens have failed trying.”

“So… some Maidens really don’t make it to the finish line?” I whisper, remembering Warren mentioning that his Ruthless Queen perished.

“Yes,” she confirms. “Thankfully, I wasn’t one of them, but it’s so easy to fall for doom when the world feels like it’s burning around you.”

I nod in agreement, unsure what I can say.

“Did you really cut his finger off?” Curiosity gets the best of me.

“Nice and clean,” she proudly states and tries to smile, even if it’s a little bit. “Then burned it to a crisp.”

“Diabolical,” I whisper. “Good job, Mother.”

“You should hate me,” she mutters. “Why don’t you hate me?”

“How are you supposed to hate someone when you’re not in full control of your life?” I question her. “It’s not like you sat down and wrote exactly how your life is supposed to go. I can’t imagine what it could have been being the first Ruthless Maiden and abiding by a bunch of rules because no one knows any better. I feel as though my set is much more manageable in psychotic scrutiny than Prescott, Leighton, and… Joaquin?” I give her a weird look.

“Professor at the time,” she admits shyly.

“Ah. That’s a whole kink back then, huh?”

“Hearing that from you makes me feel as though I’ve failed as a mother,” she whines.

“Nah. You can’t control what a child reads when they’re in their teen years, so I give you a bit of grace.”

“I thought you were studying,” she accuses.

“Oh, I study,” I reassure her. “But if you can read a book in a day, you can balance reading a bunch of smut every week and get straight As.”

“Don’t tell your father that,” she grumbles. “Both of them.”

“Leighton doesn’t even want to be in the same room as me unless his son, or my lovely half-brother, is getting his cock sucked by me.”

She wants to argue, but I see the conviction perish just as quickly.

“Man. Being a royal is fucked up,” I summarize because no number of words or scenarios will make me understand or dare‘grasp’ my life and how maddening all of this is to wrap our heads around.

This is just how life has turned out.

We just have to keep moving forward in a way that doesn’t add to the trauma.

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