Page 51 of When Day Breaks

A mix of feelings surge through me. Nervousness, anxiety, power, control, heartbreak, defeat, confidence, inclusion. Everything crashes against my heart in violent waves, battling out the storm of things thundering against my reserve. The emotions are magnified. I know that. But I've never felt so unsure about my feelings than right now. Not only that, I can feel the threat of the curse knocking at my door which is likely causing me to carry more confusion in my demeanor.

But I'll fight through this. I know what I want and I know what I need. That will always be clear.

"And you?" I shake my head clear and look over to my husband.

But he doesn't answer me right away as the sound of footsteps approaches and we all turn toward the door to see Kacian standing in the entry.

I hate to say it, but I do kind of miss having him to follow me around or guide me one way or the other. I never loved not having freedom, but I am slowly learning that freedom means having people on your side.

He looks at me first, and I smile. He doesn't do much back to acknowledge me and while he's always had a somewhat monotone personality, I can sense something is off.

"I have some personal business to take care of." Rivian's words break the tension a bit and I look at him, accepting his answer.

Trav takes off without another word as Troy waits for me before leading us to the exit, passing Kacian on the way. I hate that he doesn't even look down at me as we leave.

"Oh, and Lucynda?" I turn around to Rivian's call for me. "Meet me in the foyer in two hours. Dress warm."

And then we leave.

17

synthetic serenities

Rivian

Vampires are a tortured existence. We're fragmented creatures who break apart in the light unless granted the will to survive in anything other than the dark. We have the ability to ensure damage or cause for wreckage and oftentimes, we can't control the need. I'd like to say that even if the treaty wasn’t in place, we'd maintain a pretty decent hold on our needs knowing that not everything can be subject to our cravings but what Travois just explained to me in there doesn't surprise me. And soon, others will follow suit, not caring about the rules that have been placed on us all at the cost of my father and his vapid war.

Before then, Nocturnes minded their own business and took blood in small doses from anyone they pleased, compelling them to forget they were used. But as the decades went on, they became hungrier and less cooperative to the reputation that we needed to live by to survive. And though now, there's a bettercontrol on things, my brother is right. It's our nature. We are monsters. Villains. And it goes beyond our fight with each other.

Right now, I walk the castle hallways revisiting all of the information rattling around in my brain including the talk I'd just had with a very angry Kacian. I'm glad we've established some sort of plan. That I was able to somewhat manage my chaotic siblings and explain things to my guard, but the only thing that settles in the forefront of my mind is my need for blood.

I struggled with the blood curse in my trial period, having quelled it with the marriage to Lucynda. And even when a vampire first turns, there's a blood lust that lingers, thirst of a vein to sink their teeth into. But I've controlled my needs as a vampire to focus on those of my moral desires, something that kept my mind occupied from the moment I turned eighteen. That and I needed to prove myself as one of the youngest vampires to ever become king.

I told Lucynda to wait for me at the front door, but I have to fulfill this thirst. I find myself hooking a left down the hallway instead of continuing straight, turning down toward the Blood Room. There are refrigerators on one side stocked with different types of blood, some even frozen. On the other side are vials of blood resting in warmers. Preferences are personal of course, and I know I should opt for the cold bags, but I need warm blood. It resembles the vein more and that's what I need right now.

I've never found myself to lose control of my bloodlust, other than the trial period and even then, I remained out of trouble. But I can't deny myself the need any longer and the last thing I want to do is take it from someone and risk losing myself in the process. Lucynda needs me. The Society needs me.

"I need you." I freeze in place as I hold a few warm vials in my hand.

I know who's at the door before I even turn. Troian likely leaning against the frame and studying me from behind with her arms crossed and an ankle hooked over the other.

There's silence between us for a few moments, the sound of snowflakes brushing against the trees outside is practically audible.

But then she speaks, "I am sorry for what you've gone through, Riv. I can't ima-"

"Don't," I warn her. I'm trying my best to keep it together and I've already brought up those deplorable, negative memories enough for one day. I never wanted pity. I never really even intended for anyone to know my pain. My secrets.

I always despised what I was to become, what I am. And now, it's hard to grasp that I might live through all of this with people actually on my side. Or maybe they'll hate me forever for what I've done. Time will be the only decider.

"I have watched you grow and learn, and you taught me everything I know, and I witnessed you fight for your voice even though I didn't know that that's what you were doing. I know you hate your kind. I know you believe that vampires are monsters and that you loathe the idea of love. But I want you to know that those two things will never dictate you, not in the way you think. And accepting both doesn't change who you are. You are allowed to indulge, and you are allowed to demand order in the same breath. You are allowed to fight and to lead. You're allowed to love and be loved, Rivian." Troian stops to take a breath and my hollow heart pounds in my chest. Eyes closed, gripping too tightly onto the glasses in my hand that I'm afraid they might break.

"I love you. Trav will come around. And your wife . . . she's only working with what she's been given and soon, you two will figure it out. Once we get through this, things will start to settle and we can figure out what the future looks like from there but for now,focus on the things we can control and don't deny yourself of what you really want and need. I know you're strong enough to have both and I know you will come out of this alive."

I hear her turn to walk away, my shoulders still tense from her sentiments. I'm not used to hearing words of endearment or encouragement.

"Oh, and Rivian." Troy stops in her tracks, and I can hear her breathing come in shallow. "I know she hurt you. Maybe there's an explanation. I just ask that you don't take from me what was taken from you." And then she leaves.

She's talking about her mother. And a slight twinge of guilt creeps up my throat. I think I've already decided that Ameliana is not on my list of things to take care of as of right now, rather than seeing what she knows about everything else that's going on.

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