Page 39 of When Day Breaks

Lucynda doesn't shy from presenting a slight smile as her eyes glisten with delectation, hope and equality.

I'm not sure what awaits us in the morning, but it's likely something to do with the entire list of plights that puncture our kingdom. And while I still anticipate keeping as much of my secrets from as many people as I can for the time being, I'm eager to start chipping away at the pile of fallacy I've subjected the Society to, even if they aren't aware of it.

I take Lucynda's hand and intertwine our fingers together.

"Then let's get some sleep, little one. Tomorrow, we get to show this kingdom who their king and queen are."

14

pacify

Lucynda

October 27th

Last night's events echo heavily against my heart. I've always been a sucker for a sad story, having been through one of my own. And while I knew that Rivian had his own demons he was hiding, I never really anticipated the reveal of his darkest, deepest, secrets. He fed me his reasons for the way his mind works, he let me in on the very thing that ticks in his brain when he wakes in the morning and along with the anger that rages within me, there's also my condolences for the death of the little boy he so eagerly needed to be.

He grew up too fast. Maybe in vampire nature, it's inevitable, but he was forced to be the man of the house simply because his wasn't accepting of him.

As I turn to look at my husband, the deep red silk sheets of his bed wrapped effortlessly around his bare body, his legs tangled with mine in a position that feels entirely too domestic given our situation, I can see the pain layered on his face, even if he doesn't think it's showing. I see it. I couldn't before, though I always suspected he was hiding something, but I see it now.

The curse, his past traumas, the part he played in my life . . . all of it together truly starts to make sense. Like every little detail is a piece to a puzzle and he and I collectively make it whole. It may not be the most stunning of pictures and it might be dark, desolate and undeniably sad but it's there, and it's ours.

Rivian stirs next to me, his eyes still closed as he rolls his body away from mine. I watch as he stretches and I let my eyes linger a little too long. Hovering over the lips that haunt mine, the light scruff of facial hair that caresses his face, the length of his dark lashes. I drag my eyes eagerly down to his neck, the way I can now sense his pulse the way he always seems to intricately find mine, which causes me to venture down to his chest where I can hear his heart beating.

Powers I now possess that I haven't been able to fully grasp because I went from being a newly turned vampire queen to a monstrous shadow in the night. As I glide my eyes over the bare visible parts of Rivian's body while he attempts to wake, I make a note to ask him about what knowledge others might have of my condition and how we're going to combat their concerns.

As I glance back up to dream about having his lips back on mine, I notice that he's been watching me this whole time.

I quickly check myself and turn over, giving him my back and pretending like I wasn't ogling him intentionally. But after everything we've done these past few days, I shouldn't be ashamed or feel awkwardness when staring at my husband. Though given the circumstances and everything we've faced andstill must face, I don't want to get too complacent. Not when I'm unsure if I'll even make it out of this curse.

I feel the dip of the bed as his weight leaves the space beside me. I immediately miss having him close to me, even if I don't want to admit it. I am still very upset with him for all he's done, but I heard his story and I can understand his motives to an extent. I can't possibly know his hurt or his tribulations, I can only learn how to accept it and find a way to forgive him, if that's something I want.

But saying as much won't be as easy as actually giving in to the sentiment. Forgiveness isn't something I've dabbled with too much. Just as Travois said in my decaying daze—in other words; I am inherently made to hold on to the grudges I form due to those who hurt me, never forgiving and never forgetting, but harboring that hatred into something dark and sinister because I thrive in my knowledge that I am above their pain. I will use their betrayal to serve my purpose in this world.

As a human, it just made me stronger in my belief that no one can hurt me and that I will condemn anyone who thinks they can inflict any more pain onto me. It made me cautious and adept at standing my ground.

As a vampire, it created a fire in me to crave the actual pain of others in order to counteract my own. I felt it creep up inside of me, giving me insight into how much power I actually hold and what I can do to enact the very thing I decided against but what Rivian made me believe I needed. I know I would have been able to control that desire and manifested it into my duties required as the new queen. I believe I am strong enough that I would have been able to still deny the hunger in me to inflict torment onto my enemies in order to play the role I signed up for, even if Rivian wouldn't give me the chance. But the curse…

As alavendulan messoremNocturne, everything was too overpowering for me to gain control of my needs to be vengeful.I couldn't avoid it. Even now, though calmed by the herbs that suppress the curse, I can still feel the remnants of that burning thirst to be the villain without any care or feeling of consequence to my heinous actions.

Then there's Rivian and his egregious agendas. Even if the curse would have never found its way tangled into the depths of my soul, I was bound to fail in my convictions and faith in my strength to persevere, to combat my own desires to be detrimental, because his very existence in my life was forged out of hate. I don't know how I would have handled that if I hadn't been prone to the destruction of this curse. Could I have been strong enough to truly understand him then? To forgive him? Or would it had never even gotten to that point because in the end, his plan was to destroy everything, him included. Does that mean me too?

"You know. Our conversation last night doesn't have to be concluded if you have more questions." Rivian's voice feathers like a gentle caress in the air between us, my back still to him as I hear him shuffle around near the bed.

I forgot, he can read my mind. And now, since I'm a Royal, I can read his. I wasn't able to do that before. I remember somewhere that only a Royal Nocturne can read another Royal Nocturnes' mind. In fact, Royal vampires can read everyone's mind.

I turn to face him, feeling his eyes on me before I can confirm that they actually are. When I look at him, he's watching me intently. I feel assaulted by the greens that swirl in his irises yet comforted in the stare that bores into me.

I don't know the first thing about being able to read minds. Again, more abilities that I haven't been able to practice at yet.

"It's not as easy as it sounds," he answers me.

I can't decide if I like or dislike that he can answer my thoughts so easily. Especially because as I try to focus my eyes on his and attempt to listen to his own thoughts, nothing happens.

"Come here," he says to me as he holds out his hand for me. I hesitate, not sure if I want to entertain simplicity this morning. Though, the ability to reach into the thoughts of another's head isn't all that simple I suppose.

I keep the silk sheet wrapped around my body and tuck it in so that it doesn't fall when I decide to move off the bed. I scoot toward the side he waits for me at and put my hand in his so that he can help me off.

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