Page 55 of When Day Breaks

He turns to walk away but I can't help but feel the pull to the house, the gravity of his words—repeating something sentimental his mom has told him—weighing heavy in parts of my soul. But it's not a crowded feeling, it's cozy and all consuming.

I don't want to leave just yet but I don't want to force him to stay. I think about what he just said and how I don't know if I have it in me right now to allow his sentiment to fester for too long. He's had this fear of love leaving him and causing him pain without even so much as giving anyone a second glance. I led my loyalty to him, blindly, just for him to hurt me, grazing me with his betrayal and now, I don't know if I want to accept him again because I don't want to get burned. Not when I know what it does to me. Not when I gave him a chance and he didn't give me one.

But his words…

My heart feels warmest when I'm with you.

That has to mean something. That has to be his way of letting me know that he feels what I thought I felt all along. And sure, he's said as much to me in the last few days but it's as if he's coming to terms with his true feelings and showing me that he really wants this.

"Wait," I shout at him as quietly as I can so as not to disturb the families cuddled in their homes.

Rivian turns to look at me and that's when I sense defeat fall from his chest, almost as if he's assuming I'll never return to the trust I once gave him. Buthewalked away just now, not me. He gave me his heart then took it back before I even had a chance to catch it and that's what I'm afraid of the most.

There's so much I want to say. I want to confront him on his emotional notion. I want to confront him for not giving me even a second to breathe before he turned to walk away. I want to tell him that we can try to get back to a place where I don't look athim like his whole existence in my life was built on a lie but I cower and decide that all of that is too much for my broken heart to handle right now.

"Don't you want to see what she's like?" I ask, nodding my head toward the house and assuming that he hasn’t already infiltrated their home once before. The sky falls darker as the sun dips below the tops of the houses, hiding behind the rooftops.

"I know what she's like," he tells me with his eyes closed and his head bent down. He's still giving me his shoulder, not turning to face me and part of me feels guilty for it.

"Well, I want to stay," I say to him, not knowing exactly what I mean by it. Stay and stand here? Stay and go knock on the door?

Stay in this moment where he shares who he is with me and I can learn about the parts he hides, feeling special that I get to know what Rivian holds deepest to his chest. Because that might make me want to stay. So, all I know is that I want to stay.

"We can't just stand around and watch them. That's called stalking, Lucynda." His tone is almost mocking, but I still hear the sorrow setting in.

"Well, you would know all about that now, wouldn't you, Mr. Poe?" I quip, giving him a silly little nickname to signify the first time I ever met him. The day that changed my world forever.

It was that day that I was somewhat mesmerized by his being and even though I didn't know how he belonged in my life just yet, it was the moment that carved my intrigue for him and gave me a path to let him in.

"What if we just . . . pretend to be stranded?" I step up to him with pleading eyes. "We can say our car broke down and-"

"No." He holds his hand up to me, but instead I take it and wrap his fingers around mine.

"We don't have to stay long. They might not even mind." I attempt to argue.

"I said no, Lucynda."

"It doesn't have to mean anything we can just-"

He snaps. "I said no!"

I notice the volume of his tone and worry encompasses me, seeing the curtain to the house we stand in front of shift slightly, as if someone is trying to peer out. I see her . . . his mother. And I gasp because she is truly beautiful. But before we're seen by them, hemanifestsus off into the trees, fitting us behind a trunk for cover.

"Don't you see?" he starts, anger rattling him as he grabs me by the shoulders. "I don't fit in withthem. I never will. There's no use in trying to weasel our way into worlds we don't belong in." I hate the way he sounds so final, like hope isn't something he can allow himself to feel for even a moment in time.

I shake myself out of his hold, forcing him to step back a bit.

"You didn't have a problem weaseling your way intomyworld." I point out, shoving my finger into his chest.

"That's because I-"

The steam from our breathing hits the cold air between us as Rivian lowers his forehead to mine. I let him back in for a moment, feeling so much tangle between us. Like a wave of emotions crashing against the shores of our souls and shattering, leaving all of the overwhelming feelings distorted in a mess for us to untangle.

"I needed you." He lowers his tone, agony circling his words. "More than I even knew." I shiver at his admission. I wish he would have said this before; wish he would have realized that it's okay to feel these things.

“How did she-” I want to ask how this happened but I stop myself not knowing if that would hit a sore memory that Rivian didn’t want to revisit. But my husband doesn’t put up much of an argument as he reads the question that floats in my mind and decides to answer it.

“The day after it was announced my father would be remarrying, my mother was confined to a room. The same room I later would find myself victim to. She begged and pleaded to be left alone, promising that she could remain in the Society without any issues but my father didn’t want to listen to her.” Rivian looks off into the distance beyond me as he recalls the memory.

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