Page 117 of When Night Falls

The moment in the piano room was unexpected, just like much else these days when it comes to my wife. But Birdania showing up and mocking our relationship with false jabs angered me. It threw me off more than anything because I didn't think she'd be such a spiteful bitch, then again, we all do things out of hate when we don't get what we want.

I didn't want to let too much show because I knew she was trying to get a certain reaction out of me. She wanted to find andexpose my weakness, though I don't know why, but she thought she could get that out of me with Lucynda. And she was very fucking right. But I didn't want her to figure that out, so I had to remain neutral to the situation, which reflected betrayal to my wife.

Lucynda is likely to be fuming with me one way or the other, and if I can skate by with as little guilt and blood on my hands as possible, that is what I'd like to pursue. But if I have to rip apart a person's chest and spill blood or break some hearts, then I am prepared to do just as much. I just don't want to hurther.

What I do know is that I'm so close to acting out the whole purpose of my intended goal; ending this nightmare I've been living since the day I watched my mom walk out of this castle.

My thoughts plague me. I need to force myself to the state of equanimity. I had everything mapped out so effortlessly before, no obstructions or what-ifs. But all of that changed the moment I met my sweet sin.

I obsessed over every little thing she did; still do. Despite the lore of soulmates that flipped my plan off its axis, I thought I could keep this strictly business, but I was sorely mistaken. I quickly acquired a taste for the desire to find a way to keep her safe so that this would all work and so that I might keep what is so rightfully mine. I owe her nothing else in the thick of it, but even ifanima vinculumwasn't the thing that led me to my conflicting thoughts, I fear I would have developed the same besetting feelings for her.

Lucynda is the bane of my existence for reasons I don't care to accept, truthfully. I admire her persistence even through the acts of danger I have bestowed upon her and even though I violated her mind and trespassed her thoughts. She still welcomed the darkness, because she accepts the shadows in her life as objects that can hold beauty. She yearns to see the best in people though people have done nothing but obliterate the light inside her. Butshe bounces back, like the bolt of lightning that cracks through the deepest of midnights and threatens to strike again. I hate knowing that I might be added to the list of offenders who have broken her down to a shell of false hope and ashes of betrayal, all while the flame of said hope still burns inside of her. I learned to navigate this idea that I can have my revenge and my wife and that maybe she will come around to the idea that I had to do what I had to do. I crave every ounce of soul she has to give. The dark parts. The light parts. The hidden parts. All of it.

I once promised my mom I would follow the first sign of love I encountered. But how can I follow that sign when that very same person is tied to the very thing I swore I would destroy the moment I got a chance. Besides, I was a child who would have done anything his mother asked of him.

Though I am a man of my word and I also swore to my mother that I would avenge her departure.

They say that when a human becomes a vampire, there's a dominant trait within them that becomes amplified and develops more prominently. Mine is my need for retribution. I forced that to be the forefront of what led my desire to live.

Lucynda's magnified trait happens to be the one thing I thought I could train her off of. But even after allowing her to let go of a locked-up memory, hoping instead that she would lean into the darker part of her past and feel the anger that exudes from that, she still craves love.

I hear a small scratch coming from my door, I look over to see no one there. But I'm not stupid.

"How can I help you, Troy?"

"I didn't mean to creep, I just…" The look on my sister’s face expresses distress and worry. It almost makes me feel sorry for her, but I know pity is not what she’s after. She’s after an explanation for why everything is nearly falling apart.

"What's going on, Rivian? I mean seriously. You seem to be so emotionally charged one way or the other. You seem to be distracted some moments, tunnel-vision the next. Is there something you want to tell me?"

Yeah, and if I knew you wouldn't hate me after I admitted my plans to you, I'd tell you. Because you deserve that, Troy. You of all people deserve the world and you got dealt a shitty hand too. You had a mom who left you behind, a father who mistreated you simply because you were a girl, you're so lovesick that you resort to fucking around with my ex-fiancé who is likely using you to get back at me, and you are stuck here with two brothers who have a whole lot of shit they need to work through. Oh, and I think I'm in love with my wife, but I plan to fuck everything up so I continue to pretend to reject her, even though I can't stay away. So yeah, I'd tell you my secret, but that would only add to the trauma you are strong enough to deal with, but this might end you.

It's what I want to tell her. But I simply shake my head as we both look down at the mess I've made knowing that I'm lying.

Her concern is valid. And the only thing that I can equate it to is the arrival of my muse. My sweet sin. Before her, there was nothing for anyone in my kingdom to worry about. I held my secrets in the dark, but now with Lucynda here and everything clicking into place, I fear I've become a lot more readable when it comes to my emotions.

But she doesn't press it as I decide to change the topic of conversation.

"You know I once had an inkling that Trav could be responsible for all of this?"

"You did?" She doesn't sound too surprised as she makes her way over to the bookshelves on the wall and starts picking up some of the books I destroyed in my fits of aggression.

"I thought he was jealous because I was next in line and he wasn’t." I head for the canteen of amber liquid.

"Why would he be jealous?"

"Because he had a royal mother, and I was merely a half-blood. I think he thought he'd be stronger and better fit for the job. I knew it in the way he said little things under his breath as we got older, the way he distanced himself from me. The way he once told me he would ruin me."

"I'm sure he said that to you out of anger. You guys were just kids." Troian seems disassociated when she's responding to me, and I know it's because she's exhausted from the back and forth her family has put her through. She's never feigned her strength, but I know a person can only take so much.

I tilt my head back and let the liquor burn down my throat.

"So, what do you think now?" She tosses a book on the ground, likely realizing this isn't her mess to clean and turns to me as she kicks another one out of her way. Glass crunches under her black boot when she takes a few steps forward.

I put the crystal tumbler down on my desk, letting the liquor caress my veins before I look up at my sister's saddened eyes.

"I think someone is using this knowledge against me. I think someone knows Travois would be the easy way out and is using him to frame me and the Society."

"Why would anyone do that?" Her interest is piqued as she crosses her arms against her chest.

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