Page 100 of When Night Falls

A memory of me fades in…

Six-year-old Lucynda with lopsided pigtails that look unwashed and tangled, pulls at her dad's jeans, crying that she wants her mommy back. She's upset because her mommy didn't even say goodbye and it's been days. Her daddy has been angry and drinking, and she hasn't been fed properly; only what she can find herself in the fridge that isn't rotting or isn’t beer. Her daddy kicks at her to shoo her away, and she doesn't fall hard but she notices the distance he's trying to put between them.

"This is your fault," he says, gripping his hair as he crushes another beer can.

But she doesn't understand how this is her fault. She's just a kid and she was asleep when her mommy left. She didn't tell Mommy to leave. The last thing she said to Mommy was, "Goodnight, Mommy. Love you big like the moon." And Mommy kissed her forehead as she tucked her into bed and that was the last she'd seen of her.

Lucynda felt like her heart was about to explode because she was so confused as to why this was happening. Nothing was happy anymore and she felt deprived of life. She starts crying even more, not being able to control the warm tears that spill from her as her voice goes hoarse from pain.

"Stop it! Shut up!" Her daddy yells at her and she didn't even flinch because nothing mattered anymore. She just wants her mommy. She wanted her mommy and her daddy to be happy again and to be happy with her.

"That's enough, Lucy!" Her daddy got up from his seat on the couch and went for another beer.

But before he could make it too far, he looks at his daughter in the eyes, tears uncontrollably spilling and hyperventilation taking over her cries.

"She didn't love us! She never loved me!" Now her daddy is starting to cry. "How could you do this to us? I hate you!" Her daddy shouted at her before disappearing into the kitchen.

She felt guilty yet robbed. How could he say those things to her unless they were true? What did Lucynda do to cause any of this, she was just a little girl.

But she knew that she hated the way it felt, the things that he said. And if they were true, she was sorry. She was sorry that she wasn't loveable enough to make Mommy stay and that she left her and her daddy.

She calmed her cries and wiped her tears and that was the last time Lucynda ever cried in front of her daddy.

Let it go.

Rivian's voice softly enters my mind again, bringing me back to the present.

Let it go.

That moment was the very moment I decided I wasn't allowed to ever feel love again. I told myself no one would love me and I put up a barricade, brick by brick, to make sure no one could infiltrate it like that again. I was five, and love is the most basic feeling a toddler can feel. Everything should be happy and fun, bright and lively. Those days were dark and I knew I hated the way that it all felt. It changed me, having my father look me in my eyes as I desperately tried to cling to some kind of hope, and he stripped me of it with three hurtful words.I hate you.

Rivian's hand still presses into my chest as I open my eyes. He wants me to let go of that memory. Let down the walls I built around that broken home and shoved away in the hollow crevices of my mind.

But why? So I can allow myself to feel worthy of love again? So I can accept the chance of more heartbreak? He won't love me, he's told me that clear as day so why does me letting down the cages of this memory matter to him? Why should I let oneof the darkest parts of my life free to plague me for the rest of my undying days—seeing as I will soon be a victim to the endlessness that is forever.

But something in me tells me it's okay to let it go. Maybe he wants it to be clear from my mind because after tonight, everything will be magnetized. Does he really care about me that much that he'd want me to let go of something that could dig its roots deeper into my soul and make me feel tenfold what it did before?

As I inhale a deep sigh, taking in the fresh air around us with hints of Rivian's cologne, I let my eyes flutter shut once more before I exhale the memory that formed who I am today. I can't help but feel the passes of anger that surge through me when I think about the love I was denied, comparing those notes to this very moment, but also noting that my mother and father have done me so wrong in this world.

But I have to let it go. I have to listen to Rivian and let it all down. I can't hold on to anger any more. I can't feel the sadness that trapped me for so long. And though I can't get what I want out of Rivian, I have to let go of the idea that I am not loveable because deep down, he's done nothing but show me what I can have. What I am worthy of, even if his ways are unorthodox. If I continue to believe I am not allowed to feel love, I’ll feel as if I am hated all the time. He wants me to let go so that I can allow myself to accept everything else he is willing to give me and I want that.

I want that more than anything.

"I've got you, Lucynda." He feels the remnants of my resolve shattering against his palm as the beats of my heart play the tune of reprieve in its chambers.

I'm free.

And once again, he did that for me.

Rivian doesn't take a second more to scoop me up and place me on the bed. His eyes reflect the desire he's hostage to and I feel so powerful knowing it's me who's holding that on him.

"I've been waiting for you to rid yourself of that awful memory, little one." He stands back up and removes his suit jacket first.

I watch as he pulls the material away from his body before turning his thick fingers to the buttons on his blouse. He weaves the little acrylic circles through each hole one by one, looking at me in my eyes while I watch him undress.

My mouth waters at the sight before me, I've never seen Rivian undressed. The idea of his exposure excites me and I squirm as he gets to the last button of his shirt.

His eyes demand attention, so I look up at him as his tone deepens to a lust-filled timbre.

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